Spent the night in Emergency

Had the worst night last night. My head went a bit bananas :s

David rang the ambulance he was very concerned. They took me to Emergency and did all the usual things. I was spoken to by a head nurse bloke there asking me about everything. I explained a bit, related some of the last few months. David thought it may have something to do with my daughters birthday coming up this month. 

Who hates my guts now, never wants to see me again, and has told me she has no father. Perhaps. As I don't know where she lives, and probably has my email blocked, I've decided to send a birthday card via her uncle who will forward it to her from his email. Wrote on, and scanned a card a couple of days ago so it's ready to go. Pathetic though. I told her uncle one day she's going to regret all this when I'm gone. 

So, yes, perhaps that. Perhaps I just had a bit of an overload from all the past events of this year. But I ended up crying and crying and not being able to stop, on and on. I hate crying; it doesn't help. It just brings me closer to the unbearable pain that lurks in the shadows. By the time I got into Emergency I'd been crying for at least an hour and was almost numb from it all. Almost like some kind of mild breakdown.

Anyway they wanted me to stay there for a while and they'd get the psych person to come and chat. David went home nearby to sleep and I managed a bit of sleep in Emergency, even with all the lights and noise. 

After waking up at about 6am I decided I wasn't going to talk to some psych registrar in an Emergency dept who knew nothing about me. Imagine trying to explain my life to a complete stranger? It'd take forever. Probably get scheduled (locked up in the loony bin) for sure after they heard all that :s  

Anyway I'd had enough of the place by then. It was noisy as hell, bright lights, I was tired and overwrought and just wanted to go home to bed there. Bit of a problem as the nurses would've wanted me to stay. So I just got up, put my shoes on (the curtains all drawn) and walked out the side of the curtain at the head of the bed straight out the exit only about 5 metres away and went home. Yes I know it wasn't the best thing to do, but when you've been around hospitals as much as I have I think it's understandable.

Rang David and said I was walking home. The hospital rang me soon after I left but my phone didn't ring, just a text. Stupid bloody thing. They rang David after that who already knew I was on the way home. Must say I slept a lot better in our bed which was a help in itself.

Today feeling that numb thing. David asked how I was feeling and I said "I dunno, can't feel much at all right now". It helps a lot writing about it here though.