Thursday, 3 June 2010

Invisible sickness

It's raining and cold outside. I'm home today, sick with severe stomach pains and diarrhea, vomited badly this morning. Has settled down a bit now but feeling quite shaky and weak. The stomach pains are horrible, have to control my breathing so as not to hyper-ventilate from the pain. No idea what gave it to me, if anything. I get diarrhea a lot now.

Don't want to go anywhere, but feel I should get out of the house if only to do a bit of shopping; is pay day today. Or maybe just go back to bed. Ugh... *nausea* ugh.... 

Yes, another day off work. Without pay. Can't be helped. I know it's said a lot nowadays that having HIV is nothing like it was, that the treatments are great (if you're on them) and people live life OK. Doctors and medical professionals tell you this, and a lot of that is true. But oh god they never say you have to deal with regular stomach pains from diarrhea the likes of which you've rarely had ever before in your life. Or the fatigue, and that a night or two not sleeping properly leaves you almost at the point of exhaustion. 

Of course no one can tell by looking at you what's going on inside. People just think you're normal, everything is fine, you're handling HIV no worries (if they even know). The supervisor at work seems especially like this, even though she knows my status. She's a workaholic, would probably come in in a wheelchair if she bloody had to. That's her prerogative, but I'm not like that at all. 

I do hope the flu episode has at least given her food for thought re my condition. HIV isn't just something that sits in the background until one day when it gets worse and you have to start pills. It's something I live with every day, battle with every day; if only the fatigue and nothing else. There will be times when I have to have days off work because of it. 


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