Tuesday, 1 June 2010

The most precious thing I have

One of the gay guys at work who said hello and all as I was passing by his machine/dept. We talked briefly, he seemed concerned at my well being. A few light comments and laughs later, I mentioned the thing about how so many have told me of late about the "exciting" life I lead. I put forward the thing that I'd had enough of exciting and just wanted boring. His reply has stuck in my head all day; that you really do want exciting.

He said you should live life openly, and experience it's offers. You just don't know when you life will end. He was so very very right. I said that my sister had told me that I'd "left no stone unturned".... and his reply was "Why shouldn't you?"

Yes, I know I'm in that path of thinking. Somewhere in the muddle of my earlier posts I believe I've said something quite similar. But it was a lovely reminder today. Yes; I do want to live, I do want life, I do want all the experiences life has to offer. Love is everywhere, for those that are able to see it.

I don't want hatred.

The other moment was talking to a mate at the pub his father dying and he the primary carer. He in a similar position as me with my late wife. I went through it all, was able to give specific advice re social security and all. Told him ring, text, email, meet me here, whatever, that I understood and was making myself available to him for advice and such. I do very much feel for him in his situation; his father near death and him dealing with it all as well as working full time, just like I did.

In short, it made me feel worth something. I was able to help in a very specific way. It reminded me that I do actually have worth. He was listening intently to my personal experiences and taking it all in. It seems that the depths of tragedy have enriched abilities within me to help those in similar situations.

For now I'm just glad not to feel worthless. For someone like me, that's a very very big hurdle to get over.

Yes, I have HIV, I have decided to connect with my same sex attractions, I have nearly been fired from work if not for the management there that understood at least a bit of my life. I drink to get by, not a lot, but I still rely on it. On occasion I blast drugs when the opportunity presents itself. Have pretty much taken them all.

But I do care about my fellow man. Empathy is something I strive for and very precious to me. I don't condemn, I just want to help. Not really in the position to (given my fucked up state) but when the opportunity presents itself to me I find myself being able to do no other. To me that is a very very precious thing that I'd never want to lose.

And I suppose I can quote it without even looking it up:
It's one love
We get to share it
It leaves you baby
If you don't care for it

Through all the fuckin shit, through all the fuckin crisis, dramas, fuckin hell on earth. I can still love. The ability still survives. I don't care about anything else; to love and not hate is today the most precious thing I have.

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