Daylight

The dark mood seems to be lifting at present. Whew! What a bad couple of fuckin weeks that was... The depression returned, the heaviness, everything. It's so dark you can't see in front of your face. Isolated and alone in your nightmare. 


There was a strange thing happen during it. On one of the nights sleeping I kept having bad dreams, sort of half waking up and calling out. I had the distinct impression that there was someone guiding me away from the pain during that disturbed sleep, pulling into a place of peace where I could relax again and sleep. When I woke up finally in the morning it felt like there was someone in the room, like whoever helped me through the night was still there. Despite the bad dreams, I felt very peaceful that morning and at ease.


I'm not willing to say for sure, but I remembered the last email sent by my best friend early last year just before she killed herself, when she said in it:

"If there's a way to watch over you in this life, I'll be there with you every day. When you have an odd feeling of not being alone don't dismiss it. It'll be me there with you"

We both understood each other perfectly, always on the same page, both knowing each others pain. She didn't survive the journey, the pain won. She took her life moments after sending the email to me. Perhaps it was her that night who was with me in some way...


I'm getting used to being alone in the house again anyway. Still missing Simon more and more, but still living life. We talk everyday on the phone so it's not so bad. Will be back in the new year I think. 


Haven't even thought about another flatmate yet, it's all too complicated for now. I don't feel as bad either about how it didn't work out. I've decided I was too kind and let her take advantage of it. A good thing for me to stop that very early on. FFS she had cheap rent, free snacks (although she went a bit far with that), free home phone line rental and local calls, ended up using all the toiletries in the bathroom, and the only time she bought any groceries she had the shits about it after she caused an argument. But she could somehow afford to get paralytically drunk at the pub on numerous occasions. The last straw was when she blew out the home phone bill by $100 in a month calling mobiles. I foolishly said just make it $80 out of kindness, and then the day she gets her pay she shorts me $10 of that saying she would owe me it. WTF? That was the last straw for me, and started the big argument that saw me ask her to leave, changing the locks after she did so.


Presently I'm quite happy to be alone. I don't even feel like getting pissed at the pub much anymore after seeing some of the states she used to come home in. Nearly rang the ambulance one time, in hindsight I think I should have. Really put me off drinking.