Finding peace in the new reality.

First night at home after the most traumatic week in hospital. This was the first time I'd been admitted to a hospital since being a kid in New Zealand and having my tonsils out. I was very familiar with the procedures involved, my wife having spent much time there years ago in her many admissions, but I was thrown right into the deep end from the start. I'm still in shock, still getting panic attacks about it in the night where I wake up gasping for breath and have to calm myself, as I did last night in my first night back home.


The bed was incredibly comfortable, have spent quite a bit of money on my bed, sheepskin underlay and the like, because of my back. Soft pillows, like sleeping on clouds compared to the hospital bed. Back ache virtually gone from the outset. And no mother fucking great Frankensteinian catheter sticking out the side of my neck giving me back aches and headaches! I slept blissfully for a few hours, but after a while kept waking up panicking, rapid breathing, gasping for breath. Had to take my mind to a calm place, tell myself out loud "Peter, it's OK, you're home now, your safe, you survived, it's all OK..." and my head would move to there and I could breath again, the panic going. This went on over and over.


I took some pics (just on the phone) in hospital of various bits. Not so good but felt wanted to remember the image. I really am glad I kept a diary of sorts of my days in there. It's allowed me to process it somehow and put in away in a place where it's not visible but there to see if needed. A huge huge help for me. Anyway...


These two the 3rd morning in there when I ate (for the first time in days) in front of the hospital bed windows. I'd just been moved to that room on the Ward for the emergency dialysis on Sunday.

This one is the image that I recognised out the window on that morning that it took me about an hour to figure out where I was. That was the most horrible experience. I built on that st scene to slowly expand to where my reality was now, and not in the dreams.

This is a pic of the Frankenstein thing coming out of my neck, that they put in in a hurry on the ward to do dialysis through. It certainly wasn't cosmetic, and I did quite like freaking people out in lifts with it, but it gave me a terrible back ache and headache.

This is the day leaving, and the nurse (her name was Marsha FFS) had just pulled out the Frankenstein neck life saving catheter. Yep, that mother fucking thing was in my neck, going down into the main artery into my heart.

 And last but not least, this they put in the day before leaving, and used it the last day for dialysis to make sure it was working properly before pulling out the other Frankenstein model from my neck. Took this pic just now at home on the proper camera. It's called a "Perma-Cath" and can stay there for some time, very easy to look after at home, and of course allowing me to go home and simply visit the hospital for the 4 hour dialysis treatments 3 times a week.