Regaining control

There's been much that I lost control of over recent years. I used to be a very good planner, organising things with no problems. Today I'm barely able to organise one day at a time. It all just seems to hard. I also lost it with money, something that I was always very capable with. It was like money, order, and the general things that get you through life efficiently, all just shut down. The focus was survival. I came very very close to not making it. It became about how I was feeling, and doing anything that would limit the pain or help me to feel a bit better for a time.


I freely admitted even last year that I took Ice (and other associated drugs) on occasion simply because it gave me a break from the pain. For a few hours, or even over a weekend, it was just about having mad sex completely off my dial. Yes I knew I'd have to come down and go to work, but even when I did I appreciated the time I'd had away in another world; the break. People with me knew that too and made sure in those times of sex and drugs away from reality, that I got that break I needed.  Who'd have thought in such a debauched world that friendship and concern for others would manifest itself. 


As with drinking, I didn't care about how much money I was spending. It was all about how I was feeling, and if a few beers made me feel better for a bit then money was not the issue. Of course I see now that I was living rather beyond my means for quite some time. But it helped me get through. I've ended up in debt, but I don't regret those times.


Strangely, it may still be in a sense even now about how I'm feeling, as opposed to the responsible ordering of life. I don't feel like drinking every day anymore, and I have no problem at all in not doing so. Don't feel like getting completely munted on Ice. The present reality isn't one I want to escape for a while, but one I guess that has a lot going for it. Simon and I love each other, I have a secure well paying job, I live in a nice city, have a beautiful daughter, and on and on.


So I embark now on regaining control. Have arranged to get the last bit of money I can apply for out of my Superannuation account to pay off a big portion of the debt, and in stopping drinking like a fuckin fish I will likely be in a much better position to pay off the rest of it. I reckon at least $100 a week. It is a very empowering feeling too to be making such solid and beneficial decisions now. 


In hindsight the beer and the drugs didn't have a hold on me, I've always been too independent and had too strong a personality to give up control like that to an outside force. I was always in control, I just wanted to get wasted that's all. My decision. I never had a problem having drugs then coming down, not touching them again for a month or two. And it's almost surprising to me the ease of which I've suddenly decided to not spend a small fortune at the local pub. I just don't feel like it anymore.