I came across this a while ago and thought it was interesting, but more so now given the direction I've been going on the blog.
Living true to yourself, looks like a common theme running through many people's thoughts about happiness, life and death. To be authentic to who you are. To not succumb to restrictions in life that suffocate you as a person, but to assert yourself as the person you really are.
People grow a lot when they are faced with their own mortality. I learnt never to underestimate someone's capacity for growth. Some changes were phenomenal. Each experienced a variety of emotions, as expected, denial, fear, anger, remorse, more denial and eventually acceptance. Every single patient found their peace before they departed though, every one of them.
When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently, common themes surfaced again and again. Here are the most common five:
1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.
It is very important to try and honour at least some of your dreams along the way. From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it.
2. I wish I didn't work so hard.
This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children's youth and their partner's companionship. Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.
By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle.
3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.
Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.
We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.
4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.
It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip. But when you are faced with your approaching death, the physical details of life fall away. People do want to get their financial affairs in order if possible. But it is not money or status that holds the true importance for them. They want to get things in order more for the benefit of those they love. Usually though, they are too ill and weary to ever manage this task. It is all comes down to love and relationships in the end. That is all that remains in the final weeks, love and relationships.
5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.
This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called 'comfort' of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again.
When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are dying.
Life is a choice. It is YOUR life. Choose consciously, choose wisely, choose honestly. Choose happiness.
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Growing up in a small town in New Zealand, looking back, was incredibly insular and restrictive. I remember on the farm before even moving into a small town, long before the internet, colour TV (was 1 channel that aired during the afternoon and evenings), and long before FM radio even. The only access beyond the stifling small minded community was the occasional play around with a short wave radio, and it was amazing to me as a kid that I could actually hear someone from another country. It was like I was listening to beings from another planet. Life involved growing up, getting married, having kids. A mind numbing living death.
Gay people were never discussed. Apparently we didn't have any. That was something that happened in the big city I suppose. It didn't seem an option to consider at all. I do remember later on my stepmothers daughter coming to visit from Australia and after she'd left I was told the terrible secret that she was a lesbian. I wasn't concerned at all, but the way it was said to me was very strange; like it was a big secret to be hidden away and not spoken of.
All of this was nothing like Sydney today. Jumping the fence just wasn't an issue for me, or anyone else that knows me from the past. It's simply expanding sexual horizons, being open to desires that weren't part of my previous life. That's not to say I didn't have great sex when I was with my wife, we did. Gay sex however involves different feelings and desires. It's where I am right now, and at present I'm very comfortable in identifying myself as gay. Sexuality is a very big subject, and the labels that society applies to various groups can be restrictive in themselves. I refer to myself now as "gay" for want of a better word. At least people have an idea of where I'm coming from. It's just to hard to get into a whole discussion about sexuality if someone asks you about it.
I am who I am, whatever that is. Still exploring. That said IMO it's a big help for me personally to be open about things and live authentically to that. At times even to the point of revealing my HIV status quite freely within the gay world. In a sense being HIV+ is part of who I am. Part of life's scars that make me who I am today.
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