"Brain Damage"

I would have to say that on occasions I'm rather a challenge to be around socially. Have been considering this for a while. I don't recall being like that before last year when I got sick and got that brain injury from lack of oxygen. 

I was pretty fucked up at the time. I couldn't talk properly. Had trouble standing up and walking straight. Couldn't remember my bank PIN. Couldn't think of words, and speech was very slow. Didn't know where I was, and was hallucinating. Most of my head has apparently returned from the brink, but given the difficulty I've been having socialising it looks to me like there are permanent remainders of the damage. 

I often just blurt out things that can be very inappropriate. Not even realising what I've said until after the event. It's like there's a part of my brain that is, well, a bit dysfunctional when it comes to blocking inappropriate thoughts being turned into inappropriate words. I can't just put it down to having a few too many beers either, as it happens even when I'm stone cold sober.

There was an incident at work yesterday that illustrated this. It was a simple disagreement about a person (an Asian lady) not pushing in line. I let my opinion known that it was wrong to do so, which was all fine. But then it just came out from nowhere:

"The natives are getting restless"

I didn't even realise what I'd said until a couple of hours later when I recalled it. Shit! As a Caucasian who'd been born and lived in New Zealand and Australia, I'd have been considered native to here. The remark was racial in nature, referring to her Asian origin. Wow. Unbelievable. I'd never say that in my right mind. Plus it's right against company policy with diversity, and it's a wonder HR didn't come and say something to me about it. You just aren't allowed to make derogatory comments about someone else's race. It was an incredibly inappropriate comment.

But well there's no use crying over spilt milk. The injury has happened, this is me now. Perhaps in the future I might be more forthcoming about my brain injury with people. It might help them to understand some of my behaviour at times.

Broke again this weekend. Daughter hasn't had enough hours this week at both the nanny jobs she has (the couples visiting parents are doing it) so she couldn't pay me any rent at all. Lucky I did that extra day on Tuesday to cover it, but it means I'm fuckin broke again. Really trying to stick to some kind of a budget now, but it's a bit discouraging when this happens. Next week the same too as I'm not working that Tuesday. I might start pushing to work every single Tuesday now. It makes a big difference, about $160 more in the hand a week. 

Was looking at Pink Floyd things on YouTube earlier. The "Brain Damage" one is the original thing, and there's a rare interview of them in Australia in 1971. YouTube is amazing!