Regaining Control

Another visit to the psychologist today. It's been 3 weeks since I last saw him, and after that time he noticed quite a change today. I've put on a lot of weight (although am still about 4-5 kilos lighter than I was before the Great Kidney Collapse) and looked much healthier than the thin pale person I was before on the verge of getting a blood transfusion. Also the change in my mood away from the depression that was clawing at me. That was very bad, had not felt depression like that with such intensity since before I started the anti-depressants in 2009. 

We also discussed what was involved moving away from that depression. It has been a big contrast from it's grey world, to being away from it. One of the biggest things is the control regained over life. I find myself now planning a return to work, planning money, taking control of things instead of being buffeted by circumstances beyond my control. Feeling more in control, actually being more in control, has got to be a major positive mentally. So much of what's happened in the last few years has been out of my hands. 

There was of course the usual question: "Any thoughts of suicide?" I always reply completely honestly. This occasion was that it's still there as an option, but highly unlikely I'd act on it. Only this morning, feeling tired from a cold, awake half the night with the head and backache with it (a cold always seems to be worse with HIV) I said to myself that "I've had enough". And that's the truth. 

Yes, I seem to have landed on my feet yet again by some strange twist of fate, but it wasn't associated with any plan by me. It just happened. I could have easily gone the other way, but for some reason I didn't. Be it the support around me, chance, simply some unforeseen reserve buried deep inside me, or even just an unforeseen basic survival instinct, who knows? I'd compare it to being thrown head over heals when blind drunk, but managing to stand up again when the fall is over because my feet for some reason landed on the ground.