Friday, 15 July 2011

Don't be scared

Sometimes it's overwhelming. 

Given the adversity I've had to face, at times I sort of just stop. Almost like I have to take a breath. I still can't believe it's only been a bit over 4 months since dialysis for example. And here I am back at work with all the physical stresses and strains involved. Or what goes on in my head sometimes, and here I am dealing with life again like everyone else.

It can sometimes seem beyond my comprehension. How can I be going on with life. So damaged both physically and mentally. It's like carrying on with life with all that involves, seems a big ask. Like I'm hanging by a thread.

Today I stopped and these perceptions were in my mind. The answer I guess is to look at things one day at a time. If I start looking at the big picture and all that's there, it's easy to see why it could be truly overwhelming. 

Just one problem at a time. One issue. One day of feelings. One day of memories. Sometimes it's almost one hour at a time. Just an hour and the memories will pass, the emotions settle. Just one step at a time.

Didn't go to work. Felt almost afraid to leave the house. Decided I was better off staying home and working through these thoughts, than being at work. Have not had the TV on or anything, just the plastic brain here. Stayed in bed until 10am as very cold out. Have lit the gas stove as it's much cheaper than the electric heater, works very well. Did the dishes and fed the cat. She took one look at outside and came back in, drizzling rain and cold. 

Have a dentist appt this afternoon but I may cancel it. Evidently I have a cavity to be done. Sick of going there, have never had so much dentist stuff done in my life. Suppose that's the story when you don't go to one for about 20 years.

Feel like just staying home, or perhaps a bit of shopping, couple of beers across the road at the pub. Quiet contemplation, reminding myself.......   it's OK.... I'm OK.... Don't be afraid. Go slowly, one day at at time.....

I didn't know what Oasis were talking about in that song I recently posted from YouTube, "Don't be scared, you'll never change what's been and gone". But yes now I do. Scared that the past has been so traumatic that I won't be able to carry on. I nearly didn't. Nearly killed myself. Nearly didn't make it. Such is the potential power of the past.

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