Sunday, 3 July 2011

A livable life?

A nice day in Sydney today. Going to be 20 degrees I think (68F) pretty warm for the middle of winter. I'm not much in the mood for going out though. I have to get a new vacuum cleaner today as the other one is on it's last legs. Just about falling over with excitement at the thought. There's a shop down the road near here so I guess no problem to walk home with it. Maybe I'll get daughter to unpack it, ack, not the most thrilling thing to purchase. The shop has big sales on this weekend, so perhaps I might get something genuinely exciting for my money! Some big mother fucking manly thing that sucks like mad! Oh yeah baby...

My mood has lifted a bit. Have had a week full of bad dreams as well as the suicide thoughts. But last night slept peacefully. Was because the thoughts came unexpectedly right out of the blue that threw me I think. Spent time wondering why I was feeling so bad. It's bad enough feeling that bad, but not knowing why as well makes it even worse. 

Suicide however has been an option to me now for a while, in fact it still is, the only difference being now that there are other better options. Um, like life, only if I can deal with life though. As soon as it starts getting on top of me I appear to fall apart. Have a short fuse. Just can't be bothered anymore if life means dealing with never ending shit. Have been and done that, enough is enough. I don't think I'm capable of going through any more dreadfully long tunnels. Not in me anymore to do it. 

I do hope life is livable in the future. I don't really want to die, but I don't want to live a life of pain and misery either. I don't think people who kill themselves really want to die either, it just that it looks like the best option available to them. I mean really, who really wants to jump off a building or poison themselves? It's not pleasant. But if that's the only perceived option left people see no choice but to take it. That's the way it was with me.

The music is still a help. Have been downloading a few songs, it's great how the internet gives you such a wide access to music now. Haven't heard this one in years. Australian band, lead singer is a Kiwi (New Zealander). Back in the days of mullets:

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