Saturday, 9 July 2011

If only it was that easy

Still got this diarrhea. Up to the third day now. Getting a bit concerned about it, although the pains have gotten a lot less. Was really bad before, almost like a horrible stomach cramp. I heard somewhere that HIV can give you wind, or is it the treatment? Can't remember. Think it's pretty funny though; a disease that makes you fart?! WTF?

Went to bed early last night after such a long week. Was tired after cutting over 6 pallets of paper at work, and going to work for two days feeling off colour. Was falling asleep by 8pm and Simon rang to say Hi. He was at the pub out there in Lightning Ridge, and surprised that me (the party animal) was in bed that early Friday night. Joked "You have to get out and live". Needless to say I wasn't in the mood, even for joking about it. Was sick and tired, literally. Just wanted to be in bed asleep. 

Sometimes I don't think he understands me at all. We talked for a few minutes, and he was wanting to be with me. Said again he should sell his place up there and come live with me, as I wasn't going to live out there. *Sheesh* How many times are we going to go over this same old crap? I Said "Darling, you just don't know what you want. One day you'll say you want to do something, and the next day you'll want to do something completely different." He agreed with me, described it as being "quixotic". I had to look it up. It means:

1. Caught up in the romance of noble deeds and the pursuit of unreachable goals; idealistic without regard to practicality.
2. Capricious; impulsive

Then he asked again why I couldn't live out there in Lightning Ridge. WTF? Mentioned all my support was here for one thing. He didn't even seem to appreciate at all what I was talking about. Had to say again "Well I nearly killed myself in 2009 you know", and he exclaimed "Oh lets not go all into that again". I mean he means well with this advice, but really he often just doesn't seem to have the slightest idea about any of it. Doesn't even get why I still consider suicide at times. I need the professional support I'm getting here in Sydney. There's nothing out there where he is.

To him that's all in the past and I should get over it. That things are going much better now, and I "should be happy" to quote him directly. I let it go, the last thing I felt like was explaining my feelings when all I wanted to do was sleep.

But FFS man, I am trying to get over it. It's just not that easy. Not that simple. I spend half my fuckin life battling memories from the past. I desperately want to leave the past behind. The past however has tentacles woven into my life today, it's a part of who I am in fact. Does he think I can just snap my fingers and move on? Oh if it was that fuckin easy!

Had a laugh this morning with this video. Work mate recommended it, really funny:

No comments:

Post a comment