That's life

Went to the Infectious Diseases clinic at the hospital yesterday and had a very good result. As things have gone so well with my health lately (CD4 count over 700, and the kidneys near normal again) that they recommended I simply see my GP for the quarterly blood tests. That's about all I'm getting done there now. My GP specialises in dealing with HIV along with the centre he's at. That's also where I'm taking part in the study of how HIV affects the brain. I know that many positive gay guys get treated at that centre, it's just that I was diagnosed at another STD clinic and was going through there afterwards. Since the Great Kidney Collapse of 2011, all previous arrangements went out the window and most of my treatment for everything was through the hospital. Now I'll be able to simply go to my doctor and have everything done there. 

I'm really bloody pleased about this. There's a lot of things about that hospital that have very bad memories for me. Apart from the horror involved when I was in delirium, there was also things like where the ID's clinic was for example; about two doors down from the hospital room where my late wife spent months in as she slowly died, and where she had the heart attack. The GP is at a nice medical centre away from all that, with a lovely atmosphere in the place. I'll email him in the next few days. The clinic is going to send him a letter summarising everything, along with the results of the blood taken yesterday. 

This is going to mean a big difference for me in my treatment. Going to your doctor is a lot different than walking through a hospital. It will make me feel much more normal somehow. Things like that are important to me, as I'm still rather nuts darlings. Keeping things pleasant helps.

I was reminded by an incident yesterday that yes, I'm still pretty out there. It was a mean comment by someone, probably not worth the bother of stressing out about (given the nature of the person who said it). But for some reason it must have triggered something in my mind, I dunno even what it might have been linked to. But I got home a bit later after shopping and got really upset about it. 

Had an episode dears, a full on one. Went to bed and just couldn't stop crying. I thought maybe I'm overly sensitive or something, but it was more than that; a trigger in my head that went right off. Hate crying like that, as it doesn't help. It just takes you further into the pain and you cry more. Haven't had such an episode in a long time (well probably over 6 months ago) and it was intense. Went on for about an hour before I was able to settle down. Sort of stunned by the suddenness and strength of what had just happened, and that I had no control over it. Perhaps it's part of Post Traumatic Stress, or maybe to do with the brain injury beginning of last year, I dunno. 

Went to sleep, and slept OK for a while, until later near morning I was dreaming horribly. In it I was crying like I had earlier, and woke up crying. It was fuckin horrible. All over a fuckin trigger FFS! Yes, I'm still a bit nuts it appears. 

Still vulnerable. But I can't expect people to remember that. Fucks sake half the time people forget I even have HIV I look so well. People are going to say things sometimes I guess. That's life isn't it.