Well what a fuckin week it's been. One of depression, and lots of other fucked up shit. There was one very big positive though; the landmark first full pay in 3 months! The last week of full pay was in early Jan when they used the last bit of my long service leave when I was in hospital. Since then it's been half pay that the company kindly did till the end of Jan, and then the Centrelink mega buck $300wk BS. And various credit cards to keep food coming into the place and the rent paid. And the utilities. And the second hand washing machine I had to get after the other one carked it....
Had an argument with daughter last night about the phone bill and all. After telling me she didn't want to pay anything for even the phone line rental, she comes and asks me to use the computer after I was finished. WTF? I hate that it had to get to that point before she actually got it. I flatly refused. Said to go and use the library one or one at a net cafe where you have to pay $2 or $3 an hour, or something mindblowingly cheap. In shock and tears she coughed up the $20 that she'd been paying until now anyway as her contribution to the landline phone rental. There's nothing she pays for the $55 a month ISP bill on top of that; that's all I was wanting, just that pissy little $20 for the line rental. It doesn't even include any phone calls made on that line, just $20 for the $40 a month line.
I fuckin hate it that it had to get to the point of me refusing her the internet before she finally got the fuckin picture. I mean FFS it's not rocket science. Now in April the 3 monthly bills are due, including the electricity and gas. Which she has already agreed to pay her share, but which I've already said will be less than my payment as she earns less and is my daughter, bla bla, but I do expect the money without dramas. Wish me fuckin luck on that one people. She may be like this time then: having her periods. I'm sorry for any women reading this but it's just the way it is. When she has her periods she goes utterly psycho. Forget reason. Forget anything, it's just all about fuckin her and her inability to handle her periods, despite medicine being available for her to do so. I mean I get happy pills because I can't handle life, but she won't get pills to handle her periods. I have no fuckin sympathy.
Had a bit of a chat with Simon the other night about my little excursion to the boredom Kens last Friday. He was very sympathetic, agreed with me that those that go there seem to be boring as hell. Perhaps something to do with the eastern suburbs here and many seem to go there simply looking for Mr Right, instead of simply a fuck. I mean good grief WTF would you purposefully go to a sex club looking for a life partner for? And then not bother to do a fuckin thing when your there? Yes it's true Simon and I met in a sex club, in a cubicle in fact, and the sex was so fantastic we wanted to meet again. But a life partner? We fuck and connect, we get on, whatever. Some gays appear to be incredibly naive.
But anyway he said that in Brisbane the sex clubs they all just want to fuck. No strings, no lemons in the mouths walking around like stuffed chooks. Just sex. Sounds pretty typical of a place where lots hide in the closet and the gay world is some dastardly thing very little spoken about up there. The great bastion of manliness up there, full of frustrated gays pretending in society. Sounds fuckin wonderful, only problem is Brisbane is 1,000 k's from Sydney.
Simon is ringing me every night, costs him nothing as he gets 20 free minutes between 8-9pm on his mobile phone plane. I dunno WTF to do about him. I love him, but we have such different lives. He wants me to go up there to live with him, I'd like to in another world, but I've lived here in Sydney since 1985 and have a job that pays. It's close to the whole gay community and all (sex clubs included). He lives in the middle of fuckin nowhere, and is talking about me going to Tech to find employment up there. I'm just too fuckin old to learn new tricks. My job now the reason it was relatively easy to get back into it is because I'm so good at it. I mean really good. And it pays well. I just can't see me uprooting myself to completely start from scratch up there.
The other option is that he comes and lives with me in Sydney. But that means he may sell his place in the middle of nowhere to do that. That would be bloody tragic! I love that place he has. It's independent from everything!. He pays fuck all for council rates ($300 or so for an entire year) and doesn't have to listen to anyone or follow anyone's rules where he is. I'm torn now when I appear to be healthy, between quitting everything and going to live with him in that. Imagine how I'd feel if I wasn't able to work anymore? I don't want him to sell it. I love it there.
But anyway it's the end of the week. Although I didn't work Monday, I did all the other days. Got paid for Monday, weird; I'm now up to -9 hours sick pay. They have never done that before, let me go into negative sick pay and still paid me fully. Hence the full weeks pay. I've seen better weeks, but have also seen much worse.