Conversations. With an audience

Have almost finished the U2 By U2  book. The Elevation tour never got down under so I'm not sure the album "All that You Can't Leave Behind" had quite the same impact here as their previous work, and I was surprised to read that it went straight to number one in 32 countries when it was released in 2,000. "Beautiful Day" was the first single off it which became very popular. I didn't really take to that song though. I mean it was alright but it just seemed a bit up beat at the time for some of the many things I was facing on a daily basis. Almost a weak cliche.

I was in the thick of it, so to speak. My wife was full tilt in Chronic illness, often very self centred and verbally abusive. I however had to do much of the housework and cooking for the 3 of us whilst working full time. Our daughter then was about 9 or 10. I was doing afternoon shift at a recently acquired new job after the last place had gone bankrupt. It was advertised as afternoon shift in the paper, and I was a bit unwilling to do those hours (3pm-11pm) but as I was the sole income earner for the family I decided to take it and see how I went rather than risk waiting for another job more suited. As things progressed from there the job actually helped a lot as it left me free during the day to take my wife to her many appts, and to get my daughter off to school in the mornings along with her weekend activities. I was happy to do all of this as we all loved each other, but of course with chronic illness comes many problems. My wife was becoming increasingly isolated and bitter in her own world, often lashing out aggressively at me and often our daughter too. They were tumultuous times. Times of love and frustration, happiness and anger, emotions stretched to the limit. It would be 6 years before she died, all of that a long slow decline. It wasn't easy.

In the midst of all that this album was released. I remember listening to many of the songs on it completely absorbed in them, as they seemed to be talking about my life. "Stuck in a moment you can't get out of", and "Walk On" in particular. And it was on the Elevation tour in Europe that Bono's father became very ill and passed away. Bono was flying back to Dublin much of the time in between shows to be at his bedside in hospital, and gained some sort of closer and peace with each other. At the funeral he sang the song he'd been working on "Sometimes You Can't Make it on Your Own", which later ended up on the next album "Vertigo".

I was impressed with some of the things he said leading up to his father's death. He found solace in the music as it was a form of release. Instead of cancelling concerts through it all, he felt helped by expressing himself in them:

"Most of the problem of grief is that people bottle it up. But I could use those songs to keep myself sane. I was having conversations in those songs that maybe I couldn't have with people".
Bono - U2 By U2

In 2006 at my wife's funeral, my daughter and I agreed this was the best song to play. It summed up much of what had happened perfectly. With my family in New Zealand I'm used to rather emotionless funerals, people staid and upright. At the end of this song though it was something different at my wife's funeral; people openly sobbing, releasing intense grief. Underneath the damage of illness, my wife was a lovely caring person who had made a big impact on many people in her short life. 

But reading the above comment today I thought about this blog. People have asked why its been so important for me, and my simple answer is that it gives me a way to release emotions. A way to deal with things. A conversation that maybe I couldn't have with people in a normal setting.

And then I thought how Bono was having that conversation in front of an audience. I've said many times on here that I started the blog not caring if anyone read it or not, but with an audience now it seems different. Perhaps there's something about expressing your grief to an audience that's cathartic? Perhaps an audience is of significance. Perhaps there's an exchange of some sort of energy with the communication, even though we're all just online.

Sometimes you can't make it on your own...