Thursday, 3 May 2012

His final goodbye

I was going to entitle this post "Sick of being sick", and go into a bit of a rave about how stressful the (lessening) slime disease was now being in the 4th week. But then I turned on the PC and saw this story, about a 17 year old told he is dying.

I think about confronting my own death, but who knows when that will be? I may very well live to a ripe old age. Yet here I find this person giving his final goodbye:

Shaun Wilson-Miller, 17, has battled heart problems since he was a child but last week he was given his worst diagnosis yet.
A biopsy revealed his body was rejecting his second heart transplant and doctors say they cannot perform a third.

Shaun, who became a Heart Kids Ambassador at the age of 13, filmed a video titled "My Final Goodbye" in which he thanks his family and friends and tells them he will miss them.

"This has been an awesome ride and I have no regrets," Shaun says.

"Live life to the fullest because you never know what's going to happen." 

Shaun's father Cameron told ninemsn he was extremely proud of his son, who has become an inspiration to many others with health problems.

"He did that all himself. At first I didn't want him to make the video and I told him not to," Cameron said.
"But it's out there and it's touched a nerve all over the world."

Cameron said his son wanted to spread his message about staying positive to as many people as possible.

"He just wants to be positive in life, no matter what happens to you in life, be positive," Cameron said.
 "He's just going to deal with the cards he’s been dealt and that’s it."
I dunno WTF to say. What got me was his fathers comment about "dealing with the cards he's been dealt". 

I've said before how that at times I've wished for another hand, another chance. But alas, "There ain't no shuffling of the cards that you're dealt". The courage, the acceptance, to deal with those cards is perhaps one of the biggest things facing illness, particularly when it's terminal. 

Unless I get clobbered by a bus or shot dead by a maniac, HIV will ultimately be the illness that kills me. It may be sooner or later, who the fuck knows. But in facing death I will surely be doing well to have the same outlook as this young 17 year old; an inspiration. 

One day, whenever it is, I will be in his position. I gauge it will be years yet. But one day I will also be saying goodbye. Not only to those that I know in real life, but to all of you out there in internet land. I promise to make it a proud goodbye, thankful for the life I've had.....


  1. Hi. Just want to say thanks for making this blog. I'm sorry that you are HIV +. Even though life may be changed in some ways, find the things that you enjoy the most, and find things that you look forward to doing.

    Keep the blogs coming!

  2. Peter,

    guess now is the time for the platitudes that I received, "suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem or feeling, ", "the ultimate selfish act', 'or the thought of my sister claiming my body I have been to depths of despair, the 'dark night of the soul'.' Actually I had the thought of being so tired of fighting. Your blog helps me , we have different issues, health-wise. Different, yet , same or similar feeling.a; I want you to know that, When I enter the 'tired of struggling' mode, I think about how much stronger that I am, stronger than I ever thought. AS ARE YOU. You're a tough bird, as am I. I hope that you think things through, about your daughter.

  3. Hi guys,

    Yeah I'm a tough old bird alright. I'm so fuckin tough I don't care what I write. I started the blog a while back and used it to vent. Yeah I advertised it a bit, mainly to just let people know that an HIV+ gay guy is not the fuckin devil, but just somebody who is gay.

    Someone who cares about life and love.

    I'm no hero. Just someone dealt a shit hand and trying to deal with it. I'm so surprised that I've survived. Not just HIV but bloody life.

    I still write the blog BTW like there's few reading. I don't care who reads. If my ravings help anyone then whatever, really. This blog is about me (me me me darlings, it's all about me) and my daily struggles to retain my head in the midst of my head being completely fucked from the hand I've been dealt.

    Thanks for the comments, x x x

  4. having PTSD and HIV + is a real shitty hand you're dealt and I only know the PTSD part of it (and that's already hard as hell). I just hope you can keep your head up and try to enjoy life as it comes. Hold strong and you being gay, just be proud of it.


    a fellow PTSD'er

  5. Thanks again for the comment PTSD'er. Yes I still have bad days, but thankfully they seem to be getting less. Still on 300mg a day of Efexor, haven't the faintest when to reduce that or end it. I'd guess I'll be taking it for some time.