Been depressed today - my nightmare family

Again it was just one little trigger that set things off, and before I knew it I was grinding along the bottom again.

Yesterday an email came from the cop in charge of the case with psycho nephew basher of David. I'm due to be in court next to give my evidence in late Sept, after they run out of time last month. So I've got to relive the whole shit again and confront my dumb Taranaki hick family again then. I'm really at the point now where I just want it all over and for them all to be out of my life forever.

Apart from the horror of having to remember what happened in that hallway, and be cross examined by their fuckin asshole lawyer trying to make them look not so bad, there's the fact that  it's my family that did it. I don't feel guilty about that, but I feel sort of dirty being a part of those pricks. 

When I see the similar eyes and features on the face and body, I'm reminded where I came from and the control they used to have over  me. Still trying to have that control. I just forever don't want to be a part of that again. As I've said one of the worst things about last courts session was that for a time I felt like I was back in Taranaki again under control and nothing had changed. 

A reminder of where I came from and escaped.

So I've been bumping along the bottom all day today. Almost feel like changing my last name to further separate myself from the family, but the thought of getting Centrelink to deal with that is enough to scare me right away from that.