The importance of happiness

At Infectious Diseases it has been asked at times about how things are going overall, and how I'm feeling. Although they're doctors and primarily concerned with the medical aspect of my health, they say that being happy and emotionally positive helps a lot with my medical condition. I've not particularly thought about this much at all, other than simply a notion about mental health and energy; being able to get up for work and participate in life better. 

But after a bit of a look online, it seems being happy goes much further than simply energy levels. It appears to have a direct effect on your physical health as well. Some note in articles that much has been written about the detrimental effects of negative emotions like depression and sadness, but not a hell of a lot about the health benefits of being happy. Of course having a condition such as HIV means this is of much interest to me. Even more so given the horrible mental states I've had to endure in recent years. 

I found this article a good one to read about it:

Findings from a growing body of research suggest that
positive emotions may be a key factor
to sustaining health, including cardiovascular
health, as we age.

PDF 

Now I'm wondering if perhaps my focus has been slightly askew. Perhaps it would be better to actively pursue the whole idea of being happy, as opposed to avoiding depression? The above article gives some interesting pointers that could make small differences in that direction. Certainly something to think about.

It can be, of course, very depressing having HIV. Yet should that stop me from finding happiness? In fact being depressed about HIV will in turn speed the progression of the disease.

Bohemian Like You

I really like this song. Have it on the MP3 player, but haven't seen the video of it for years.

Why I hate the cops

Woke up this morning and my back was aching. On top of it being busy at work, have been cutting thick art board which is a particularly heavy type of stock. A big job, is coming through slowly each day from the digital printers, so is ongoing for a few more days yet. Got up and put my shirt on, but just couldn't go to work. Back and neck really sore. Took some Panadol and lay back down. It helped a bit, settling things down somewhat. Thought about going in late but when the boss rang (he had a new phone and I hadn't got the number yet) he said there didn't seem much point as the work day would be half over by the time I got in. 

Explained what happened. Dunno if he believed me or not, which really shits me. I mean even when I get a doctors certificate he says something like "It's easy to get one of them", like I'm fuckin making it all up. I do all the right things and even then he questions if I was actually sick. Pisses me off even more because he's one of the few at work who know I'm HIV+. Maybe it's because I'm looking healthy now that people forget. The sore back is simply part of recovering too, as the muscles I guess are still coming back to where they were before I got sick. I mean it's not bloody rocket science, he should know that. 

Stopped at the pub after work yesterday, which I guess wasn't the smartest thing to do for getting to work the next day. I always end up having a bit much at that particular pub, oh well shoot me. Not going to get out the whip and flagellate myself over it. It was an enjoyable time there anyway. Word has gotten around the pub about my little episode with the cops the other night and people who I don't even know were saying G'day to me, what a laugh. It's my 5 minutes of fame darlings!

The reason I despise the local cops goes back to 2009 when they took me to court and tried to get my own daughter to testify against me. Long story, but it turned out they had stuffed up their paperwork and her testimony was the only one left admissible in court (they couldn't even use their own arresting officer's testimony). By that stage my daughter just wanted to drop the charges and had tried to do so months before, before it got to court. The cops though wanted none of it and went ahead with it. They just wanted points on the board and didn't give a shit about what happened to me, or what was left of my family. Or that I was suicidal.

It was quite a scene outside the courtroom. My daughter a few metres away being spoken to by a cop who wanted her to testify against me, to hold up their case. She was crying and saying she didn't want to. My solicitor was watching, said "Look at what they're doing. This family's been to hell and back, and just look at what they're doing." A bit later he called her to come into a side room so he could talk to her alone. The cops didn't want him speaking with him, but he put his foot down saying "I can talk to who I like". He then said to her in private that the cops were relying on her as the only witness, and to refuse to testify when in the stand. She had already told the cops she was going to do just that. 

In the courtroom she was called into the stand and it was a bit of discussion with the magistrate and solicitors as to whether she was allowed to not testify, as that may be against the court or something. Eventually the magistrate decided that she was within her rights to refuse, and the whole case fell over there and then. Magistrate said the relationship between father and daughter was more important and "the charges are dismissed", much to the embarrassment and angst of the attending police. 

It was that day that I lost all respect for the local police. They were only concerned with the self interested success of their case, even to the point of destroying a father daughter relationship in the process.

"Born This Way"

Daughter gave me the MP3 of "Born This Way". It sounds fantastic.

*Yawn*

Hard to get up this morning for work. A worry as it's only Wednesday. It was because of bad dreams though and not tired already from the working week. Dunno where it came from but honestly it was the most awful dream. Won't go into it all but it's still vivid and crystal clear in my mind even now. So obviously I slept badly because of it, waking up tired.

Got through the day OK after shaking it all off and getting myself out of bed. Another full on day. At least tomorrow I'll get my first full pay on the new rate and will be able to see exactly how much I'm better off.

Couldn't be bothered making dinner after all of that today. Had a bowl of cereal with blueberries. Had a reasonable lunch at work so not a food catastrophe.

Looking to the future

A whole working week where I was there for the whole time. Will therefore get a full weeks pay. I will be interested as to how much more I get (in the hand) after the pay rise last week. I'm estimating about $25, maybe a bit more. Am set on making it another full week this coming pay week. Have no appts for a bit.

Sick of appts and sick of the hospital. I know I should go but the next Renal Clinic one I'm in half a mind just to miss it. It's obvious to me that my kidneys are fine now. An allergic reaction is just that. And I've never had kidney problems before this. But yes I will go, don't panic people. It's next month sometime. Perhaps if there's more great results I'll ask for a 6 month reprieve from their clinic. I can get pretty bloody persuasive when I want to be. 

It's the Infectious Diseases clinic that has been my undoing these last couple of months, but at least I'm doing the right thing and going; turning up bravely for the tests, news, and ass shot. Luckily I just don't give a fuck what people may think, even though they've been completely lovely and non judgmental at all. Given their lovely attitude I don't think they care at all either, other than simply that it's good that I'm there and being treated. They simply accept that I'm sexually active with a lot of blokes at times, and think nothing more of it. There's no Christian fundamentalists there.

But other than that, I just want to move on from all this hospital shit. It's been a long and dreary episode in my life. Now however I feel fine back at work physically (although I still have mental interferences now and then) and reckon am relatively healthy.

Something that occurred to me last few days, that if I'd not been diagnosed and in my present state of health, I wouldn't even know I had HIV. 

I'd have to mention as well with that, again, not bad for someone who was on the verge of death (twice) beginning of the year. I'd also have to add to it, not bad for someone not even on medication for HIV.

My sister sent me a picture from where I'm from in New Zealand. It's been snowing there off the mountain even. The mountain is Mt Taranaki. A very bloody cold winter down under.

Time to get serious about work

Busy at work today but OK. It was actually sunny here too so no adventures battling to get to work in storms. Having quiet night at home, just making some dinner and going to bed. Don't feel exhausted, just want to make sure I'm well rested for the next day. 

Have decided I have to make a big effort presently to get to work as much as possible. It was one thing to not bother when I was deservedly so still not long out of dialysis, but I really have to make sure I get that full weeks pay now. Got to seriously do something about this fuckin debt.

Simon seems to think it's all very boring, even suggested I do something more exciting with the $1,200 tax return than simply paying off debt. I've no idea where he's coming from with that. Reckoned I should use it for a holiday. I said the money would still be there on the credit card if I needed it, but by paying it there'd be no interest. 

Am really starting to wonder if Simon and I are even on the same page anymore.

Winter survival

Quiet weekend. Uninspiring. Been sleeping, a bit of grocery shopping, couple of beers, nothing spectacular. The cold I had looks like it's fizzled and not a big deal. I take a tablet morning and night of vitamin C, 1,000mg. I'm sure that must help with the winter colds going around Sydney.

It's been very cold here this last week. Not surprising I got a bit of a sniffle going to work early in the mornings in that. Torrential rain, icy winds. It's the wettest July here since 1950 they said. Really heavy rain, constant over hours. Skies very dark, almost like twilight at times. But it looks like I'm surviving it OK. 

It's always a worry in the back of your mind getting some sort of terrible cold in the winter with HIV. Especially with people sneezing and coughing on the buses. The flu shot this year they say has been good, apparently exceptionally accurate this year to the strains that came from the northern hemisphere winter. Have not had any kind of flu at all yet. Looks promising, particularly with the sort of weather we've had here lately.

Policeman

Yesterday afternoon I was extremely tired from work. Got through the whole week (*faints*) and it was full on all week. Even so was getting behind on the work again by the end of the week. By the end of work Friday I was exhausted, felt like I was getting a cold, and just wanted to go to bed. Stopped at the pub nearest home for a couple of beers to relax on the way home and maybe feel a bit better, felt like shit.

Usual crowd there, working people doing the same, beers after work before home. I probably stayed a bit longer than I wanted to as it was soon happy hour at 5 and only $3 beers. Was pretty well ready to go home not long after, just finishing a beer.

Then the police walked in. Eight of them. With a sniffer dog. For no reason whatsoever it appeared, just wanting to bust someone. FFS it was a group of harmless people having drinks after work, and then they come in the the fuckin gestapo. Ugh, what a joke. Not exactly a pub full of criminals, just workers.

I made some smart assed comment. Yes big time crime here. I mean fuck, I'm paying these cunts wages to protect me from real criminals, not come and hassle me after working all day. Of course my comment (can't remember what it was, just some flippant passing thing) attracted their attention, and a cop came over and said I was "intoxicated" and to leave the pub. I said that was fine as I was about to anyway. Started to drink the last bit of beer in the glass before leaving, and he grabbed it off me, spilling some on my front, telling me I wasn't allowed to have that last bit.

Sheesh. Couldn't be bothered with this neanderthal. No point in arguing with them as they'll just charge you with something. "Failing to follow a police directive" is always a good one for them. They can tell you to do any stupid thing, and if you refuse they'll charge you, how fucked up is that! I was tired and shitty and off home, zipped up jacket and beanie on, left peacefully, what a fuckin joke. 

Was very happy though afterwards. I've had run in with the local neanderthal cops here before. I reckon I'd be on some dartboard of theirs at the cop shop. Was pleased I just let it all go, not worth the bother, and subsequently wasn't arrested. A major victory!

Work adventures

Got to work again today, just one more day and pretty much all week there. The fear thing in the mornings appears to have subsided somewhat thankfully, although this morning I found myself very tired and not wanting to get up. Had slept solidly all through the night too. I guess just the build up over the week and towards the end the fatigue gets a bit worse. It's been much better this week at work than usual, I'm sorry to say simply because the immediate supervisor isn't there panicking about nothing. 

It's also been rather an adventure getting to work the last couple of mornings. Sydney has gone back to rain and all, but not just a little bit. Massive full on downpours that last for an hour or so, blowing horizontal from a cold southerly wind. The buses have been late but got there. Yesterday my umbrella nearly carked it after I got off the bus, only I pointed it into the wind and rain and it survived. Nearly all got bent though even that way the wind was so strong. 

Daughter told me this hilarious story last night about her getting to work, she took about 5 steps outside the front door with her brand new $5 umbrella, only to have the wind get it. The whole top broke off and went careering down the street never to be seen again, while she was left holding the handle. She then had to run to the bus stop, pouring rain etc, hands over head. I found the handle next to the front door when I got home before her. Hilarious!

We finally got the wage rise at work. My rate has gone up $2.50 an hour. Next week the back pay. They also have a various range of shoes to look at that they're supplying us with, and the shirts are on display. Crappy looking work shirts but hey that's fine with me, just means I don't have to use my own for work.

Nobody sees our hearts break

We sit alone.....

The world goes on around us, like we're not even there. Not important in it. People only care about their own selfish lives, unwilling to even want to know what we feel. They make their money, they build their world, they think they're doing great, but they don't give a shit about us. They're on their way to somewhere else, they haven't got time to be bogged down.

We sit alone. We take the time to feel our pain. We know this is our lives, and that's OK. Our lives are more than making money, more than making anything. Our lives are those around us that care about us, and we them. Our lives are lives with pain. And there's nothing wrong with that.

Those very personal moments when we sit alone, feeling our pain, letting the tears flow. It's our pain, the sort of thing only us understand. It's important to us as it's part of who we are, and part of how we deal with life. It makes us compassionate and understanding of others. It makes us emotional. It makes us care somehow, although I'm not sure about what.

It's something only we understand. Our hearts break alone.....

*This post dedicated to Lee. Still miss you darling*

When to start HIV treatment again?

Got to the Infectious Diseases appt today and had the check to make sure things had cleared up. Sometimes evidently you can need more than one treatment, but that's supposed to be rare. All this time I've had no symptoms at all. 

The HIV viral load (which I'd kept forgetting to ask) was at 17,000.

Got into a discussion with the doctor about HIV meds and when to start. My thoughts now are that I'd want to wait for as long as I could before taking anything, given my experiences so far of meds. Their view is that it can be started early, but given the complications that can arise from Highly Active Anti-retro-viral Treatment (HAART) they recommend 350 CD4 count as the best time to start. That is where they say the most benefit is gained from treatment, given the risks of treatment. Also a viral load extremely high can be another reason to start.

In my case I started very early, as pretty much a prevention. I was undergoing huge amounts of stress, which could at any time have affected the viral load. I've learnt from experience that stress can have a huge effect. The drugs worked marvelously, absolutely hammered the HIV. Unfortunately I also nearly died from kidney failure. How much of this is directly attributed to the HIV drugs themselves is unknown, as it was the Naprosyn that triggered the allergic reaction. I've little doubt though that had I not been on HIV drugs such a life threatening reaction wouldn't have occurred.

The "student" doctor that was going to interview me afterwards (actually a doctor of 5 years just doing their final exams or something) was called to an emergency so ended up not seeing me.

Overcoming fear

Got to work today, the first work day after that fear episode Friday morning when I didn't go. I woke up after dreaming bad dreams again. Not terrible dreams, but the sort of ones that leave you not wanting to get up and face the world. The cat jumped on the bed as usual when it was time, and I said to it "I feel terrible puss". She proceeded of course to ignore what I said and rub her face against my cheek purring her head off. Typical. Got up and got ready for work and fed her, much to her delight. 

It seems it's the dreams and the way I feel when I wake up after them that are the biggest obstacle with work now. Getting up and getting there after those dreams is hard. I find myself just wanting to lay in bed, the cat keeping me company, and not leave the house. Forced myself up, reminding myself that even an hour or a few minutes at a time was the way to go. My guess was that work would be OK once I got there, and my fear unfounded.

Work wasn't too bad today after all that.The immediate supervisor is on holidays all week and I was left alone in peace without them having a panic attack about every fuckin job in the place. Think I actually got more done.

Tomorrow I have yet another Infectious Diseases appt. It's the one that was arranged 2 or 3 months ago but they told me to keep it and still come in. After the appt I'm going to have a 45 minute interview by a student doctor who needs to study a complex case as part of their curriculum. Am looking forward to it as it sounds like it might be interesting.

Sexuality on display

Just saw this online. I think it's absolutely lovely. 

All the pics

A beautiful expression of sexuality. 

And there's nothing wrong with that. 

In some ways I reckon in the olden days, people were strangely able to portray their sexuality more easily than today. There was no uniform way to dress for example, as there is today. Different people dressed (in London at least) according to their position in society. I mean there were even blokes running around in wigs, make up, and very feminine looking clothes. All with the decorative trimmings, sometimes I reckon a bit overdone, he he.... Very unlike the clothing of the scum workers.

They don't do that now. Anyone who slightly veers from the normal accepted dress uniform of the Capitalist Captains (expensive black suit, lovely white shirt, short hair, brain dead sort of looking) is instantly labeled as a poof. Even if they wear a baby blue shirt, or god forbid, pink! 

There's no opportunity in this present Capitalism it seems, to stray from the pack. But people (although only the rich and of more privilegedly placed) in the past appeared to be able to do that with ease. Simon was telling me that in London where he grew up, people were very open to the idea of gay guys. 

He recalls a thing his mother used to say about Australians, from the things she'd heard from the Australian gays back then, who fled the country for a more accepted life in London. "They just come up to you, and call you a poofta right to your face!". she used to say, shocked at the abrasiveness and homophobia in Australia back then. She was hearing some of the stories Australian guys in London were telling people of their experiences growing up in Australia back then, and being gay.

In fact the leader of the Greens party here (not to get political but just to use a prime example) Bob Brown, was given shock treatment (in the 1970's) here to try to cure him of being gay. It wasn't until he sought professional help in England that he came to terms with his sexuality. He's now in  gay relationship with a guy, always being open about his sexuality, The party got 15% of the vote in the last Federal election here.

A bit of luck with the $

Went and got my tax done at the tax agent down the road. Doesn't take long when you have all the paperwork ready. And he just does it on a computer and it comes up with a magic number at the end. Pleasingly this year I'm getting back $1,200. Should take a couple of weeks to go into my account.

I had all the usual deductions, including over $130 a quarter for union fees. Getting quite expensive that one, but it's worth it in the end (especially considering the 4% wage rise this year negotiated with the company by them). Laundry for washing work clothes, and a bit for the mobile phone making calls to work on it (that must be when I text saying I won't be in!).

The biggest thing however was because I'd got so much less money from work this year, I'd paid way to much tax on some superannuation I cashed in last year, and got pretty much all of that back. 

I will of course pay it straight onto the credit card debt as soon as it arrives in my account. No partying with that lot. Simon joked that I was finally worth knowing now. I said that perhaps I won't have to sell my ass after all!  :)

We are finally getting the 4% pay rise this coming week it seems. It's taken ages for the agreement to be perused by Fair Work Australia and signed off on as a legal document. But it's all been done and is now simply up to the company, they are saying this pay. Then the week after, the back pay to Jan, which we all fought for in the negotiations. They initially flatly refused to back pay us to Jan (when the previous agreement ran out) blaming us for the slow progress. When a strike was imminent though they caved, and we got it. It's taken so long for it all to go through the legal channels and be signed, they're looking at about 6 months back pay now. Dunno how much I'll get, if anything, though as I wasn't there for 2 months. Will be interesting to see.

Don't be scared

Sometimes it's overwhelming. 

Given the adversity I've had to face, at times I sort of just stop. Almost like I have to take a breath. I still can't believe it's only been a bit over 4 months since dialysis for example. And here I am back at work with all the physical stresses and strains involved. Or what goes on in my head sometimes, and here I am dealing with life again like everyone else.

It can sometimes seem beyond my comprehension. How can I be going on with life. So damaged both physically and mentally. It's like carrying on with life with all that involves, seems a big ask. Like I'm hanging by a thread.

Today I stopped and these perceptions were in my mind. The answer I guess is to look at things one day at a time. If I start looking at the big picture and all that's there, it's easy to see why it could be truly overwhelming. 

Just one problem at a time. One issue. One day of feelings. One day of memories. Sometimes it's almost one hour at a time. Just an hour and the memories will pass, the emotions settle. Just one step at a time.

Didn't go to work. Felt almost afraid to leave the house. Decided I was better off staying home and working through these thoughts, than being at work. Have not had the TV on or anything, just the plastic brain here. Stayed in bed until 10am as very cold out. Have lit the gas stove as it's much cheaper than the electric heater, works very well. Did the dishes and fed the cat. She took one look at outside and came back in, drizzling rain and cold. 

Have a dentist appt this afternoon but I may cancel it. Evidently I have a cavity to be done. Sick of going there, have never had so much dentist stuff done in my life. Suppose that's the story when you don't go to one for about 20 years.

Feel like just staying home, or perhaps a bit of shopping, couple of beers across the road at the pub. Quiet contemplation, reminding myself.......   it's OK.... I'm OK.... Don't be afraid. Go slowly, one day at at time.....

I didn't know what Oasis were talking about in that song I recently posted from YouTube, "Don't be scared, you'll never change what's been and gone". But yes now I do. Scared that the past has been so traumatic that I won't be able to carry on. I nearly didn't. Nearly killed myself. Nearly didn't make it. Such is the potential power of the past.

Lady Gaga performs at Sydney Town Hall

This was the major performance of her stay here. The production cost a million $. You can watch a lot of it online. This one received great reviews:
The Edge of Glory

 

The $ cost of the Great Kidney Collapse

Got the cert from work for the end of the financial year tax return (does that work the same in other countries with the financial year being from July to June? I dunno). Made an appt with the tax guy this sat to do the tax return for me. 

Although I'm simply a wage earner the tax system here is hugely complicated. Even just a simple return can get extremely hard to do. Plus this year I have all that that happened with the GKC; the Centrelink payments (a massive $300 a week) are subject to tax as well, an insult. If I got that pathetic amount all year it wouldn't even go over the tax free threshold FFS. 

I was surprised though at what my gross payments were from work. I knew I'd lost thousands by not being at work due to illness, but I didn't realise that it was that much. At a rough calculation it looks like about $11,000 I lost (gross). Fuck, no wonder I went further into debt. Probably did very well in limiting the further debt to only about $3,000 more.

It will be interesting to see the final results of all of this on Sat. Will I owe the tax office a bit, or will they owe me?

My big ass injection

It was all very good natured.

Went into the room and the nurse told me about what was in the syringe. Antibiotics as well as some anaesthetic. I was surprised at the last bit and thanked her for being so considerate. She smiled and commented that it wasn't like the old days; they used to make it hurt apparently as some kind of disincentive to getting an STD. WTF? Wow, that's really fucked up. Moralising via the medical system. I said that you have to get tested as the campaigns now say, and making it hurt is going to be a disincentive to get tested.

Asked what she wanted me to do when we walked over to the bed. It was either bend over standing up to get it, or lie on the bed frontwards. I chose lying on the bed. The bend over position is just too, um, well you know what I mean! She did the deed and it was all over.

Didn't hurt hardly at all. I exclaimed "So I'm not going to be punished?" and she said no. "Oh what a disappointment" was my reply, smiling evilly.

Got the prescription and took the two pills. By mid afternoon I was feeling very affected. Went to bed early. Antibiotics seem to work like sleeping pills for me if they're strong ones. 

Saw the psychologist at 1pm. He said I'm going well. I didn't realise so much but it's only been a bit over 4 months since ending dialysis. I guess that's a big explanation for the lingering fatigue.

Lady Gaga performs live here on national telly

Gaga live

Performance in the above link. It wont embed though so you have to follow the link.

She's planning something Tomorrow night (Wed) and interview here:

Detached

Not exactly partying here. All I've felt like doing all weekend is staying home. Blustering strong cold winds outside. Going to the shops and a couple of beers at the pub in the afternoon is about it. The diarrhea has nearly gotten better, was still up through the night with it though. Makes about 4 days altogether. Daughter only got it one night and then was fine. Might ask the doctor tomorrow at my Infectious Diseases appt about it. Don't think it's a concern anymore though as it looks like it's pretty well better.

Going to bed by about 8pm. Shocking! Fuck all on the telly as usual, would rather go to bed and read a book for a while. 

Been feeling sort of detached lately. Like the world is going by and I can't identify with what's happening anymore. Haven't watched the news for example in about two weeks. It all seems so pointless and irrelevant. Even at work, I find myself wondering WTF I'm doing there, a cog in the wheels of the modern world. Wonder why people get so pissed off about seemingly nothing in the world, I mean when you're on your death bed WTF will most of these trivial little things matter?

People seem to be so caught up in the everyday minutia of living, so engrossed in every detail of what's going on around them, that they don't appear to have any idea of a bigger picture than our present everyday existence. Like millions of ants in an ant hill, they go about their lives of assumed importance. What will all their efforts at building a "successful" life (whatever that means) matter when they die? 

What really matters in life? The house? The car? The money? The personal empire? The business? These things are considered signs of a successful person in today's world. When really all they are in the end are things, meaningless things. You can't take any of it with you. What really matters IMO is people, and how you treat them.

Society has warped it's sense of success.

If only it was that easy

Still got this diarrhea. Up to the third day now. Getting a bit concerned about it, although the pains have gotten a lot less. Was really bad before, almost like a horrible stomach cramp. I heard somewhere that HIV can give you wind, or is it the treatment? Can't remember. Think it's pretty funny though; a disease that makes you fart?! WTF?

Went to bed early last night after such a long week. Was tired after cutting over 6 pallets of paper at work, and going to work for two days feeling off colour. Was falling asleep by 8pm and Simon rang to say Hi. He was at the pub out there in Lightning Ridge, and surprised that me (the party animal) was in bed that early Friday night. Joked "You have to get out and live". Needless to say I wasn't in the mood, even for joking about it. Was sick and tired, literally. Just wanted to be in bed asleep. 

Sometimes I don't think he understands me at all. We talked for a few minutes, and he was wanting to be with me. Said again he should sell his place up there and come live with me, as I wasn't going to live out there. *Sheesh* How many times are we going to go over this same old crap? I Said "Darling, you just don't know what you want. One day you'll say you want to do something, and the next day you'll want to do something completely different." He agreed with me, described it as being "quixotic". I had to look it up. It means:

1. Caught up in the romance of noble deeds and the pursuit of unreachable goals; idealistic without regard to practicality.

2. Capricious; impulsive

Then he asked again why I couldn't live out there in Lightning Ridge. WTF? Mentioned all my support was here for one thing. He didn't even seem to appreciate at all what I was talking about. Had to say again "Well I nearly killed myself in 2009 you know", and he exclaimed "Oh lets not go all into that again". I mean he means well with this advice, but really he often just doesn't seem to have the slightest idea about any of it. Doesn't even get why I still consider suicide at times. I need the professional support I'm getting here in Sydney. There's nothing out there where he is.

To him that's all in the past and I should get over it. That things are going much better now, and I "should be happy" to quote him directly. I let it go, the last thing I felt like was explaining my feelings when all I wanted to do was sleep.

But FFS man, I am trying to get over it. It's just not that easy. Not that simple. I spend half my fuckin life battling memories from the past. I desperately want to leave the past behind. The past however has tentacles woven into my life today, it's a part of who I am in fact. Does he think I can just snap my fingers and move on? Oh if it was that fuckin easy!

Had a laugh this morning with this video. Work mate recommended it, really funny:

2nd difficult work week in a row

What another week from hell. Forcing myself to go to work, despite being quite ill. Think it was even worse than the week before, at least that was just pretty much depression and mental outlook that made it hard. This week I was physically ill for most of it. The worst was yesterday when I had that diarrhea badly. Found out my daughter bought it home from the child care centre she works at, she had got it from the kids there. It was severe, terrible pains in the guts, and am really just getting to the tail end of it now. Not pleasant at all being at work in that condition. 

Better today and did quite a bit. Not in there Monday with the appts.

This the latest thing plastered at various places in relevant gay venues here:

Link

Think it's quite clever. Of course it's easy for me as I get tested regularly for the HIV level of doomed-ness. But for an HIV-neg person they have to make the choice to get tested regularly.

*sigh*

A terrible day at work. Had diarrhea most of the night, but had to go to work. Have had these stomach pains all day, severe. Certainly didn't work at my best, but battled on anyway. Back just aching all day, I guess something to do with the diarrhea. Tried the music for a bit that it was pointless. Luckily towards the end of the day when it got worse, I had a couple of Panadol in my bag. Helped a little. Couple of beers on the way home was good too. Will have a hot bath with salts shortly. That helps a lot, and I just go to bed after that with the cat. Amazing the full effect diarrhea can have. Lack of sleep, hurting back muscles, and these terrible pains off and on through the day. Didn't lose my appetite though.

Have to go to work tomorrow, such a lot happening there. And need the money. Have told them about Monday, an unexpected hospital appt at 10am, and I've rescheduled the psych appt for Monday afternoon. If I'm going to have the day off I might as well cram as many appts into it as I can. He's off on leave for 3 weeks after this so will want to see him before that break. Wanting the break too strangely enough. So that should satisfy work if the wankers in the corporate empire chuck another spastic about me having a Monday off. 

Well I'm off to do dinner and bath darlings. Must be fed, rested, and relaxed to put my best foot forward for the empire tomorrow! Can't have a dysfunctional cog falling apart in the Capitalist machine!

CD4 620; latest blood results

The doc rang me in the middle of the shop floor at work again to give me the results, so I wasn't able to discuss in detail and neglected to ask the viral load. However the CD4 at 620 he described as "excellent". The numbers are going to fluctuate a bit, but two results in a row in the 600's is entirely fantastic. It's not just a one off (the last one was 660) but something a bit more than that I would expect. Given my colds and all of late it's understandable anyway that the count may be a bit lower because of that. But still over 600? WTF?

It has to be remembered also that I'm not on any HIV medication. Results like this are astonishing IMO. They're pretty much like someone who doesn't even have HIV.

There is one thing that I'm doing that might explain it. And it wasn't my idea, but someone who contacted me through the blog and who had an astonishingly high CD4 count (Hi mate). He suggested I try it. But in fact I was already doing it.

Blueberries were in season here last summer when I was recovering from nearly carking it at the beginning of the year. I had already taken up buying them fresh and having them with cereal or ice-cream, just because I like them. I later noted that online they were described as some kind of super food in health food articles. I had no idea, I just liked them. 

In hindsight I think they may have had a lot to do with my rapid recovery from near carking it and two months of dialysis. The doctors were surprised that the HIV viral load and CD4 count through it all was unexpectedly OK, especially given what I went through. And now, just over 4 months after that 2 months of dialysis, I'm getting these kind of results. It is remarkable.

They're out of season here now, being winter. Still can buy them frozen though, so they're available all year round.

In other results, I don't have syphilis. But I do have chlamydia. Have no symptoms or would have gone to my doc, but anyway it's been found and I have appt Monday at the hospital for a big ass injection and a prescription.

Well doing the right thing. Sexually active and getting tested about every 2 months lately. That's what people should do, not just pretend or ignore they may not have anything. OK I got an infection, big deal, I'm being responsible and getting it treated, no biggie. Better than carrying on and giving it to others. Some of these things are very easy to get, much easier than HIV.

Hold on...

Didn't go to psychologist yesterday. Was just too tired from work and rang the centre near the end of the day that I'd not be able to get there. Felt terrible, back aching and all. Came home and went straight to bed, didn't want to do anything except lie down. Have been a lot better today, so must have been some sort of virus. Nose has been running like crazy the last couple of days. Will email and go next week if he wants. It just seems that it's too much after work these days to get there.

This one has been on my computer at home doing nothing. It's ended up on the MP3 again after a long absence when I was transferring music files. Blasted in my ears today at work. Nearly cried right there. I remember listening to it a lot a couple of years ago. I remember when all the stars faded away.

Dunno about the "stop crying your heart out" bit, sometimes it just can't be helped. Stopping can be impossible when you're hurting too much.

A livable life?

A nice day in Sydney today. Going to be 20 degrees I think (68F) pretty warm for the middle of winter. I'm not much in the mood for going out though. I have to get a new vacuum cleaner today as the other one is on it's last legs. Just about falling over with excitement at the thought. There's a shop down the road near here so I guess no problem to walk home with it. Maybe I'll get daughter to unpack it, ack, not the most thrilling thing to purchase. The shop has big sales on this weekend, so perhaps I might get something genuinely exciting for my money! Some big mother fucking manly thing that sucks like mad! Oh yeah baby...

My mood has lifted a bit. Have had a week full of bad dreams as well as the suicide thoughts. But last night slept peacefully. Was because the thoughts came unexpectedly right out of the blue that threw me I think. Spent time wondering why I was feeling so bad. It's bad enough feeling that bad, but not knowing why as well makes it even worse. 

Suicide however has been an option to me now for a while, in fact it still is, the only difference being now that there are other better options. Um, like life, only if I can deal with life though. As soon as it starts getting on top of me I appear to fall apart. Have a short fuse. Just can't be bothered anymore if life means dealing with never ending shit. Have been and done that, enough is enough. I don't think I'm capable of going through any more dreadfully long tunnels. Not in me anymore to do it. 

I do hope life is livable in the future. I don't really want to die, but I don't want to live a life of pain and misery either. I don't think people who kill themselves really want to die either, it just that it looks like the best option available to them. I mean really, who really wants to jump off a building or poison themselves? It's not pleasant. But if that's the only perceived option left people see no choice but to take it. That's the way it was with me.

The music is still a help. Have been downloading a few songs, it's great how the internet gives you such a wide access to music now. Haven't heard this one in years. Australian band, lead singer is a Kiwi (New Zealander). Back in the days of mullets:

Roger Waters, The Wall tour

Noticed online today just by chance, that Roger Waters (of Pink Floyd) has a new tour going. The Wall. Anyone who knows Pink Floyd would remember The Wall double album released in the early 80's. It has such classics as "Another brick in the Wall", and "Comfortably Numb". Pink Floyd is my all time favourite band. Sadly they lost Richard Wright in recent times to cancer (keyboardist), the end of an era. Fortunately though Roger Waters has kept the music alive and continues to tour with it. I saw his last tour when they came out here and he and his band performed "Dark Side of the Moon" from beginning to end, it was the most authentic to the album live performance I've seen of it. 

David Gilmour (lead guitarist) is generally too busy these days with his family life to go on tour, but he did make a guest appearance in the Roger Waters tour recently in London. The official video of it they don't want embedded, but this one has better sound anyway. Although the person filming it seems to have a bit of trouble focusing sometimes. Roger Waters and David Gilmour, Comfortably Numb:

The official video.

Promo:

An unexpected and pleasant surprise. Gives me something to look forward to. They were pre-sale tickets only available yet too, through Visa. Not on sale yet to the general public, unless you bought them online with a Visa card. They're here in Feb.

Been a difficult week this last one. Still feeling the effects of that episode last weekend thinking strongly about suicide. Has been hard to get up in the mornings to get to work. It may sound like a small thing, but the new MP3 player has been a big help at work. Sometimes have been completely non-motivated and felt like going home. Some good music in my ears though helps to get my mind off things and carry on with work. Also have had some sort of flu/cold thing, aching all over, but need the money so have had to force myself to stay at work. 

Seeing the head shrink again Monday. He always wants to see me more frequently when I'm having suicidal thoughts.