Have been feeling rather badly the last few days. Anxiety to the point of almost a dark cloud of fear hanging around everywhere.
I have to keep reminding myself that just because I feel this way, or feel such fear, that it's not a prediction or indication of something coming in the future. It's simply my human mind acting on excessive anxiety. Is like a darkness, a feeling that something bad is going to happen.
The anxiety is likely caused by the impending court case next week with psycho Phillip. The anxiety may not even be about Phillip himself, but just the act itself of having to go to court. I've had some pretty horrifying experiences over the decades with court, a lot of it more other people's fault than mine. I'm guessing I have now a natural aversion to, even dread of, attending any sort of court case that I'm involved in.
There is the fact too that this involves a particularly bad experience, being David's bashing by my fucked in the head nephew who I've not seen in donkey's years. Even more so with my even more fucked in the head brother who thought he was going to get sex off David in our own home.... I mean I'm so disgusted with both of them I don't even want to lay eyes on them, let alone have to be in the same courtroom with them.
I thought about strategies to reduce the anxiety of court. Perhaps dressing more casually than I otherwise would. I'm not the guilty one trying desperately to appear like a pillar of society. In this case David and I are the victims.