Monday, 30 April 2018

I turned 56 today :)


Yes folks, if I wasn't classified as an old fart at 55 I certainly am now, ha ha. But I'm very happy getting older. Fuck, nobody would want to go through what I have in my life again. I look back at it now as stuff that has made me who I am today. In that sense I wouldn't exchange who I am now for anything, but fuck it was dramatic getting here to say the least and nothing I'd have wanted to go through at the start. 

Even this last year had it's moments FFS. 

I had that terrible time on Maraviroc, an HIV drug that I was taking for about 2 or so years before the side effects of postural low blood pressure (ie. passing out when I stood up) and migraines developed. Causing me to be hospitalised in St Vincents when I collapsed on the street on my way to the Albion St Centre to get my meds. Totally traumatic, not the least of which being I was too fucked up to even dial 000 on my phone and had to ask a complete stranger walking his dog that I needed an ambulance.

At which point, the stranger taking instructions on the phone from 000 told him to get me to lie down on the footpath instead of sitting up. I remember thinking just how lovely this would look in Surry Hills :s Indeed the ambulance got their very casually, the guy getting out saying "Well all we can do is take you to St Vincents", at which time I tried to yell a "YES!!!!" but which came out as a weak and defeated "yes......". They thought I was on drugs you see; it was Surry Hills and I was lying on the footpath.

It wasn't until they got me into the ambulance and initially couldn't find a blood pressure that they became all serious and concerned. When they couldn't find it I jokingly asked them "Does that mean I'm dead?", and they laughed. They eventually did find it at 60 over 40, meaning I was in deep shit. In hindsight when they couldn't find the blood pressure at the start I'd have liked to have said "Do you see dead people?", you know like the movie. But alas everything's always clearer in hindsight.

So I didn't cark it there, albeit the dramas didn't end there. 

After the Maraviroc they put me in Tivicay. After about a couple of weeks on it I started to get searing pain in my lower abdomen (the smick booklet said there may be a bit of abdominal pain). Long story short I spent 6 weeks in unbearable pain like I'd never endured before because of this HIV drug, being like getting stabbed in the abdomen with someone twisting the knife constantly. Talk about a side effect! Ended up in Emergency with baffled doctors with hardly any knowledge at all about HIV drugs, especially the new ones which Tivicay was. In the end I told my HIV GP to change my meds as a process of elimination to see what was causing this and it worked. I'm now on Isentress: no problems so far.

As in the previous post I've also had the upset-ness of having to cancel the charity food delivery service today. Because this gov cut the funding.

Also today is the beginning of our new rent at $30 extra a fortnight, David and I's combined $20 a fortnight pension increase not covering it. Nice birthday present. 

But you know having years of suicidal depression has encouraged me to try to look at things differently. After ten years of therapy from my psychologist (and at one time a psychiatrist simultaneously) in situations like this I try to look on the bright side. And low and behold in this year there has actually been bright sides :)

For one I didn't get a Robodebt> I have no idea why I might have but you know how that Robotdebt thing works; it doesn't. It just accuses random people of having a debt because ScoMo. Although he did say really fucked up people won't get one. Perhaps I'm too fucked up to get a Robodebt? Like I say, gotta look at the bright side.

I survived another year through thick and thin with David at my side helping me all the way. Helping me to get up off the floor with the Maraviroc, helping me through the Tivicay episode. I was in so dire straights the day the ambulance came I could hardly move. He help me get dressed and helped me to the ambulance. He's been there every step of the way for me.

And this weekend David and I are getting married. Through thick and thin, through everything this gov and illness has thrown at us, in a few days we will marry. At 56 I will marry again, like I did the other love of my life being my late wife..... (died 2006). 

After she died and walking with her to her death over many years, I honestly never thought I'd ever find anyone else that I'd ever fall in love with. To find true love in one's life is rare. To find it twice is .... I have no words .......  But I found it with David.

Yes life has been a bitch at times, but "for better or for worse"...... The only difference between David and my late wife is personality and all yes, but that he's a man. I love them both the same. And if the situation arose I would in a heartbeat walk with David to his death just as I did my late wife. 

This is my pledge dearest one' I will stand by you..... and no matter whether the wine be bitter or sweet we will share it together and find happiness in the comradship. -Edith Bolling Galt (1872-1961)
So yeah, a lot of positives here this year eh. Oh, BTW, I'm HIV positive. Meh