A long time between drinks

Simon arrived late on the train. Because of the flooding up north it was running almost an hour late. So I got there to meet him just as he texted it was going to be late. Oh well, sat in a pub across the road and had a couple of beers whilst waiting. Hadn't had anything to drink all weekend so happy to have a couple then. I've been doing that quite a bit lately; not drinking for a day or two. Probably a big reason for the few kilos I've lost. I'm really liking it. Drinking can sort of creep up on you if you're not careful, and suddenly you find yourself having way too much nearly every day. I'm feeling much healthier and less tired. Think I'll extend it a few more days and see how I go. Sort of got caught up in the whole pub thing. It's a laugh for a while but it can get very boring and tedious when arguments are happening.

So anyway Simon came and met me at the pub across the road from Central Station. He only packed one bag, he's very good at knowing what he'll need for a 2 week stay. We sat upstairs outside on the balcony and chatted a bit. He may come with me to court on Thursday to see what happens (that's the court date for the Apprehended Violence Order application). Didn't stay long, and got a bus outside almost straight away to get home.

Slept the night holding each other. It was quite late by then and both just wanted to sleep. Had to put the air conditioner on as it was the hottest night so far this summer. A day off for me today so we had the place to ourselves after daughter left for work. It's been a long time since we had sex, but it's still as intense as it's always been with us. Sort of takes us to another place... There's just something that happens between us that makes it way more than just a fuck. I'm glad that even though we did fall out, we were both mature enough to give each other space and not blame each other for our differences. 

We still have that rare thing that happens sometimes during love making, that connection to each other that we feel. Sex is still a vehicle for expressing those feelings. We still get lost in each other, with the world around losing significance.   

Life in harmony

I've continued to feel better and better emotionally about things over the last few days. It's like I'm being much more honest with my feelings and acting accordingly. There is now more harmony between how I feel and what's going on in life generally. I expect this is all part of standing up for myself of late, and doing what's right for me, and not worrying about what other people think of it. So they don't agree with my actions in ending the friendship with them, so fuckin what? That's their problem, not mine. Sometimes you've just got to do what's right for you, and fuck them. 

It's been an issue with me for many years, particularly being the primary carer for my dying wife over a decade or so. That, along with a young daughter, it was just never about me; I always put them first. I've been told by a few people in the last years, pointing out that those days are over now and it's my turn to find myself, to find some sort of happiness in life. And yet it often doesn't seem to sink in. I end up worrying about everyone else, then in the end that fucks up everything. They take the power in the friendship/relationship, and it all ends up one sided. It's all about them, and whatever I do is wrong. Interestingly that's exactly what happened with my wife, and I ended up going to a psychologist before I realised what was going on. 

And so now here it is again, I've fallen into that behaviour recently with other people. I remember too my wife hated the psychologist as it meant that she had to relinquish power as I stood up for myself. Perhaps this is what's happening again with these other people today? Suddenly I've decided I have to think about myself again and how I  feel, even though it's at odds with them and their lives. But it's a hugely important thing for me. To not be in harmony with your feelings is a terrible stressful thing. To blame yourself for their behaviour is horribly wrong for your self esteem. In reality they need to take responsibility for their own behaviour, and not blame anyone else for it. 

Simon hasn't been stranded by the flooding up there in northern New South Wales, and is on his way on the bus. I just texted him to confirm. A bit hard when he's traveling as in between every town the signal usually drops out completely, but he eventually gets the message. He rang last night and as expected he wants to have a couple of drinks after such a long trip (not getting into Central Station until about 9pm) and wants to walk up to Oxford st and drink there. Is Monday night so shouldn't be too crowded. I can't stand being in some of these pubs when they're full of people as it's just too loud and claustrophobic. 

Daughter gave me a little booklet she got from somewhere. The Mardi Gras is nearly upon us. I may go to something this year. Dunno about the parade, it's always so terrible crowded. But I may, might enjoy it this time after my years of dramatics. The Drag Races on Bondi Beach look like a real laugh too:

 

"I Love It", Hilltop Hoods

Had a very quiet night last night. Stayed home and made a meal. Went next door to the petrol station to get some stuff and was a rather nice rainbow happening. Got the camera from inside the house to take it, didn't know if it was going to look any good but was pleased with the results this morning when I plugged the memory card into the PC. 

We don't get a lot of rainbows here, not like New Zealand. It's quite unusual. People on the footpath were looking up at it like "wow man". We've had a lot of rain the last week or so. In fact up north they're getting flooding rains. Simon's place in the country is soaked, and there's flooding on the road between his place and town. He's due here tomorrow night, hope they don't get cut off again up there. It's a bus trip first before the train, so if the roads are flooded he'll be stuck again. In bad flooding they can be cut off for weeks in Lightning Ridge.

Am feeling so peaceful today for some reason. It has been bad the last few weeks with what's been going on in regards having to go to court to get an AVO. The whole situation has been very stressful, particularly because of the way I was getting treated by those two so called friends I excommunicated last week. I guess you find out who your real friends are when the chips are down. It appears I certainly wasn't considered very important at all to them. But it was more than that really, even if I was just an acquaintance that they barely knew, it'd still have been wrong of them to treat me how they did. That made what they did even worse. Sometimes you just don't realise how much stress you're dealing with until it's over. Like I said, I feel very peaceful today; a contrast on the last weeks. 

After reading Dave's blog yesterday, I followed his link to Rob's blog. First time I've seen it. Wow, he takes 29 pills a day. Has had HIV since the '80's, I guess there must have been a lot of damage done before these current drugs helped him. I've heard that the breakthroughs with anti-retrovirals didn't happen until the mid '90's. Makes me consider I better be vigilant with getting tested regularly for CD4 count and all, to make sure I get back on HIV medication at the best time. Currently I'm not so worried with a CD4 count of over 700, but there's one thing I've learned about HIV is that you can never take things for granted. Like a year ago when everything was going along marvelously, then in the space of a couple of weeks I was nearly dead. Treatment has come a long way yes, but then HIV will pull a rabbit out of it's hat. It'll show you the rabbit, shove it in your face, and torment you about your lack of vigilance; "Ah, so you thought you had beaten me eh? Not so easy as that!"

Watched a bit of telly last night before bed. Stumbled across this new song as I was wandering around the channels bored shitless. I'm not usually into Hip Hop, but this song sounds bloody great. They're an Australian band - Hilltop Hoods. Excellent video, I am really impressed with it:

 

Standing up for myself

Lately I've been sort of observing in my behaviour an nonacceptance of being treated like shit. I was talking to a friend yesterday about it. I think it might be part of some kind of mental recovery process, probably linked to self esteem? 

I have been realising of late that I'm not a bad person, even though I have HIV. Even though I've gone through the wringer over and over, and likely suffered mental illness because of it, I'm still not a bad person. Just because I'm a damaged unit doesn't mean I should just accept whatever people might do to me without question. 

My life has worth. I have worth as an individual. Particularly after all I've been through, I just won't accept anymore, bad treatment. From anyone. I don't deserve it, and I won't take it anymore. Perhaps the lesson about standing up for myself in regards to the death threat has been a catalyst for further progress. 

And this week I did something that I feel very good about. I ditched two (so called) friends who were treating me badly. One I've known for over two years. The situation has been building over the last weeks, and it got to the point on Thursday that I decided enough was enough. I told them not to contact me anymore. Made it clear how annoyed I was with them. Stuck to my guns. The friendships were now over. I ended them. It felt wonderful.

They appeared completely mystified. Like what I did was completely unexpected. Like they saw nothing wrong with how I'd been treated by them. Well, I don't care. I've got enough shit to deal with without having their dramatics as well. They can go and treat someone else bad, whatever the hell they want it doesn't matter to me, just as long as they're out of my life. 

Yesterday I felt really peaceful, and like a big weight had been lifted. I knew I'd made the right decision. Felt really happy about what I'd done.

 

HIV Futures, in Australia

Just spent about an hour doing the latest HIV Futures survey; the 7th one they've done. I was sent the link a while ago in a Positive Life email, but have been a bit daunted at how long they said it would take to get through it. As I do think the info is important though I eventually got around to it today, as it's Australia day and a public holiday here so I have some time. 

 About the survey

HIV Futures is run by the Living with HIV program at the Australian Research Centre in Sex, Health and Society, La Trobe University. The survey has been developed in consultation with a variety of community groups and it is officially supported by the National Association of People Living with HIV/AIDS (NAPWA), the Australian Federation of AIDS Organisations (AFAO) and the Australasian Society of HIV Medicine (ASHM).

The HIV Futures survey is an anonymous survey of People Living with HIV (PLHIV) in Australia. The survey asks about health, treatments, work, and the financial situation of PLHIV. It will provide up to date information on what living with HIV in Australia is like at the moment, and ensure that education and support services for positive people are the most effective they can be. HIV Futures is conducted every two years.

 It was very thorough, going into financial information and sexual practices. But it's all anonymous and secure, so that was fine. I've not filled out one of these before. I think it is important as it's a way for us positive people to give accurate and useful info on the issues affecting us. I guess it gives us a real voice.

Yes it's Australia Day here. Holiday for all. I'm not doing much as I've got to work tomorrow and don't want to be too celebratory. 

One thing I'd have to say though, is that I made the mistake of taking a bit of an interest in the Presidential candidates in America yesterday after a funny opinion piece about them I read in the local paper here. I ended up spending about 2 hours going through YouTube videos, mouth hanging open, utterly gobsmacked, shocked at horrified that someone vying to be the most powerful man in the world was so incredibly blinkered and ignorant about gays. 

Using arguments long ago disproved in other countries (Australia let gays in the military way back in 1992 for example, with gays being no threat to the Australian military). Yet here was this guy Santorum raving on like some delusion fool from an outdated god squad. It's unfathomable here that such a bigot would even be able to be a candidate for the Presidency. WTF is going on over there? And what do people think over there: if that's their attitudes to just being gay, what the hell do they think about an HIV+ gay person? I can only imagine the sort of guilt that American gays must have to overcome, not only about being gay, but about being positive as well. I do so much feel for them.

So yes, today it's Australia Day. Today I'm proud to be an Australian. And I'm also very very glad. Glad that I live here with HIV, and not someplace where society adds the burden of guilt for no reason. Things could be a lot worse..... 

 

Simon here next week

Simon rang last night and he's booked to arrive in Sydney next Monday. It'll be at the usual time of about 9pm at Central Station. Just a 20 minute or so bus trip from here so I'll go and meet him there. Probably have a couple of drinks somewhere before coming home. He's always sort of hyped up after the long trip like that and isn't in the mood for just relaxing. Will be here for 2 weeks. Will see how we get on this time, am sure it won't be as awkward as his last time in Sydney. 

He gets impatient at times with me. I think I do with him as well. I wish it was so easy as to wave a magic wand and just be instantly right back into life and all, but it's not. I have made some progress, but I certainly aren't any kind of social butterfly out and about in Sydney. I often just don't want to go out the front door. He on the other hand is always wanting to get out. Reckons I'll feel better if I do. He's quite right, but I simply have to do this at my own pace.

Went yesterday and did the 2 hour thing for the HIV brain study. It was a lot of different sorts of things involving memory and cognition. I can get the results next time I go see my GP there. They were going to make an appt with him especially but I said I'd just get them on my next visit. So sick of doctors appts. I dunno if I'll get any benefit out of the study, but hopefully the data gained will go into the pool of research and help people overall. 

I've given up on the printer. I think it's officially shit itself beyond any hope of redemption. I even installed it into my daughters PC, with all the drivers I got online for Windows 7, and it still did the same shit. So it's obviously something to do with the printer itself. Likely it's not worth getting fixed. Looked online and you can pick up cheap ones now at the mall for less than $50. Daughtefr really needs to print stuff out from online for her child care studies, so I'm going to have to get another one today.

A rare find

I'm still reading slowly through the book "U2 by U2". I used to read books much faster years ago, but gradually stopped as life got more and more...., um,   dramatic. Yes I think that's probably the best way to describe it. I mean there are many other words I could use, but a life of drama does seem to fit the best. Maybe that's why sometimes I'm such a drama queen now? 

But anyway, so I'm supposed to be reconnecting with life again, and doing things that I like to do. Sounds easy, but it's bloody hard to motivate myself as often I just end up like a zombie staring into space and doing nothing at all. So it's been very slow going, even trying to get into reading a book again. But I am making progress, and it's getting more and more interesting the further in I get. My daughter bought it for me when I was in hospital a year ago, and it's taken me that long to get going with it.

It's a paperback version. I thought that's the only way it was released. Then by shear chance I was returning a couple of DVD's the other day and happened to walk past the cheap book store where they clear out books that are damaged or don't sell, for cheap. And there, sitting in a prime position, was the hard cover version of the book I was reading. It's bound really well, had lots of high quality pictures, all done artfully. Was marked down from $75 to $40. Couldn't resist, had to get it.

Asked the lady at the checkout if they had one without a damaged cover, but that was the only one in the whole store. Later at home I showed it to my daughter who'd bought me the paperback version. She was flabbergasted, asking where the hell I'd got it, and told this whole big story how she'd searched for the hard cover version everywhere, even online, and couldn't find it. She reluctantly had to settle for the paperback that I'm reading now. I was pretty amazed. I suppose the hard cover is out of print now. Being in the industry I can see it's been quality bound up, and the pictures and artwork in it are exceptional. They don't just pump something like that off an assembly line willy nilly. 

I am not a bad person

Have been thinking further about the court dramas and the hate speech involved in the the message containing the death threat. In particular, the word "faggot" was used. 

As I mentioned I found the message initially quite funny. I have very black humour. However after some thought it's not so funny given the history of the word, and the way it was used; as a vehicle for his hatred. 

In the inquisition of Europe, when witches were
being burned, among those sought out for
burning were gay people. They were required to
gather the very "bundles of sticks" (the real
meaning of a faggot) with which they would be
burnt. When the faggots (sticks) were running
out, gay men were thrown on the fire to keep it
going for the witches. Faggot came to mean gay
man to force them into the closet for fear of
death. Scary, huh? Think about what you are
saying -- who you are offending when say this
word, even if in jest to a friend.
Link 

I would say it's also a trigger in the back of some people's minds to the guilt that may be involved in being who you are; ie gay. It's a way to bully and intimidate, and a way to attack the self esteem of a gay person, particularly if that gay person has grown up in a closed minded environment that rejects gays as bad people. 

Then add to that the reference in the message sent to me, to me being HIV+, and there is a double whammy attack on my self esteem. I don't particularly feel guilty about being gay, as eastern Sydney is very accepting of different sexualities. Probably why being called faggot didn't trigger much at all in my head. But I'd have to admit the reference to my HIV status did make me wonder why I felt so badly about that being used against me.

It was because of the trigger to feelings of guilt about getting it, and having it. That I was a bad person for having it. That it was all my fault. It was why the court events were so meaningful to me on Thursday, as it was pretty much being said to me that I wasn't a bad person, that I didn't deserve to be attacked like that, and in fact he was the bad person for doing so. 

There's also an interesting comment about the word "faggot" here:
uglyuglyugly.tumblr.com 

Lovely picture

Daughter emailed me this from her phone:

 

A day of utter court victory!

It's not nice going to court. I've been there many times and it's the most horrible thing. Dressing all in black, putting a tie on, and going there to get judgement dished out to you like you have been a vary bad boy. Thankfully on those past occasions I've got good understanding magistrates and have hired a very good solicitor. If not for that I'd have very likely ended up in jail. So it was with much trepidation that I went to court yesterday:

Weird looking building, in the city. Dunno WTF those things are on the top. It's the Downing centre. 

Went to the fifth floor and saw the Chamber Registrar for my appt. She read through the summary I'd written first to get an understanding of the situation, then went onto filling out the AVO on the computer. She summarised the summary I suppose you could say, asking me more questions as she type it into the form. She also typed in the Facebook message, including it in the summary. 

After that there are various different aspects where it was made suitable for my case. It was made a 12 month order, and basically he's not allowed withing 50 metres of me, where I live or work, or any other place I'm at. He also can't contact me at all, by whatever means. Can't touch anything that's my property. It's all pretty inclusive. 

When the form was finished, I said I was concerned about what he might do between the time he's served the AVO application, and his court date approx in 2 weeks time. The registrar said she could take me into court and see if the magistrate would grant an interim AVO to cover that period. I agreed to do this, although I was a bit worried about how long I might end up waiting around in court. And I wasn't exactly dressed for it in a light blue t-shirt and jeans, but was told that was OK.

Got in there and sat down in the back. Didn't have to wait long at all it turned out, only about 15 minutes. Was called up to the front at the microphone, and the magistrate read through the AVO application I'd just done with the registrar. She got a very serious look on her face as she read the summary bit, that contained the Facebook message. She asked if I was concerned for my safety, which I said yes. I had to swear by oath that I was telling the truth (I chose to do an affirmation rather than the god thing). She then granted an interim AVO "On the grounds of the Facebook message", and set a court date for him to appear on the 2nd Feb.

So that was it. I was covered. I felt really good when I walked out of there. Got out on the street and thought a bit about what had just happened. The magistrate granting the interim AVO showed that this was serious, as people had been telling me. Also, because he used my HIV in the hate speak of the message, this was a victory against that. It may have been tempting to just cop that sort of talk from him, I guess the guilt thing about having HIV. But this showed I shouldn't feel that way, and I shouldn't let people make me feel that way. 

HIV is a disease like any other. It's an illness. It doesn't mean I'm immoral having it. It doesn't mean I'm guilty. I don't deserve to be treated badly because I have it. Or to have it used in hate speak against me. I saw yesterday  that there was perhaps unresolved feelings of guilt about getting it lurking around in my head, without me even realising it. It was a very liberating experience.

Day off tomorrow

Welcome back Blogsurfer to my humble corner of the internet. I'm pleased you're back with me again.

I was so tired today. Didn't sleep so well last night, think I ate too close to bed. It couldn't have been the beer, surely! Plus it was warm and humid, had the window open all night. No breeze but it did help. Haven't used the air conditioner for weeks as it's been unusually cold here. Coldest December for 51 years in fact. Got the electricity bill the other day, was only a bit over $200 for the quarter. Nearly fainted. The one before that was from the coldest July in 51 years also, and we had heaters going full blast. That winter bill was over $500. Nearly fainted at that one too, but for the reverse reason.

So at work was exhausted. Even the bloke working with me commented that I looked half asleep. Even 3 cups of rocket fuel strength coffee didn't help. Couldn't stop yawning and it was such an effort. Thank fuck I'm not there tomorrow. I of course have the appt at the local court for the AVO.

Have never done an AVO before. Hope it's not too much of a hassle. Dept head at work asked me if I was OK, and I explained a bit and not to worry. The only one who's not worried about it seems to be me. I still find the whole thing funny, I do have very black humour. But would have to admit am a bit freaked out at just how concerned some people are about my safety in the whole matter. It's lovely that they care (awe; they care about my death threat, awe....) but it actually worries me how they're so worried. Fuck, does that make sense?

I've just spent about an hour or so battling with the printer to work again. I had to get the thing working as I needed the summary thing they wanted for the AVO. I dunno WTF is going on with this printer. In the end I started pulling plugs out of the wall. It appears to have worked, for now anyway.

Blogsurfer apology

As usual I have overreacted. I received an email this afternoon from Blogsurfer apoligising that my blog was flagged. It was by mistake they said (although I'm not so sure about that one). 

So I hereby apologise to Blogsurfer, for the great antagonism I directed at them, unreservedly. 

It will take me a while to figure out how to do the html thing again to get the thingo back there on the side. I can't do it now as I've just got back from the pub and am pissed (drunk) and have to have something to eat and get up for work tomorrow. Likely it will be the weekend before I get near fixing it. I deleted everything in a fit of rage darlings.

Where's the Valium...

Am still pissed right off about the Blogroll thing. I sent them an email questioning their decision and they haven't even had the decency to reply. WTF does "no nudity of any kind" mean  anyway? I mean with Muslim women that might be showing a bit of ankle, or the head scarf half off. Who decides the level of skin exposure that is nudity? And it's not like there's a full frontal as soon as you get to the blog. The pictures/links are half way down. I did that on purpose. People can read posts at the top and not even go there. I mean what more can I do, considering that these in many peoples view here are very good campaigns with a lot of information about sex and HIV. And yes, they're aimed at gays, that's why they use a bit of nudity, to catch the eye and the interest. 

*takes Valium* 

Noticed this morning on the scales that I've lost more weight. About another kilo by the looks. I was about to get all worried when I realised that I've been having quite a few days off the beer last couple of weeks. 

Wrote the thing for court this morning to take on Thurs. Actually I shouldn't say court as I'm not there yet, just going there for them to do the application. Saw the psychologist yesterday who was pretty shocked when he read the death threat message. Advised me to go ahead with the AVO. That's what everyone is saying for me to do. 

Actually watched a rented movie last night. The first one in ages. "Super 8". Fuck it was crap. The story line was as weak as piss. It was halfway through the movie before you saw any of the monster alien. And when you did it looked like a rip off of the original "Alien" movie. And fuck all blood and gore. What a total let down. I also have "Battle Los Angeles" which I at least expect to have no acting or story line, but I want to see what the special effects are like. Looks marvelous on the DVD cover, of course. 

I'm also slowly getting through reading a book. The first one in ages too (this is me apparently reconnecting with life or some shit like that). It's still the "U2 by U2" book. I thought it might be rather boring but it's actually very interesting. So far I'm up to where they just won some contest getting 500 pounds. And they've just got a manager for the band, Paul McGuinness, and have just become the 4 person band U2 (they were The Hype). They are only about 17, in 1978. 

My blog was flagged at Blogsurfer

WTF? I got a message today via Blogsurfer (the thing that has been on the left for probably about a year now) that my blog had been "flagged" and that they wouldn't accept "any kind of nudity". I am stunned.

Who the hell "flagged" it? Who are they really? Some anonymous person on the other side of the world who has gone through two fuckin layers of warnings, and scrolled down halfway on the main page to discover links to safe sex campaigns for gay people. I repeat, two layers of warnings. 

Apparently some fuckwit in America has been offended after going through all of this. Likely some asshole who's a moralising nut. Never mind that those safe sex campaigns are doing a wonderful job of keeping the infection rate in Australia amongst HIV+ gays stable for the last ten years. Never mind that somebody overseas might actually follow what the little pics are linked to and be talked to, in the real world that they live, about how to go about safe sex. Never mind that somebody who understands these campaigns is very likely less likely to be infected with HIV. Just, "oh no! there's a bit of nudity! Get out the fuckin moral club and fuck it all off". Fuck this shit pisses me right off. 

So lets just see how good these campaigns are working here shall we? Here is New South Wales, Australia, compared to England and the USA:

And why?

 Looks like we're doing pretty good here, well in comparison anyway. 

So what is the response from Blogsurfer? "OMG there's a bit of nudity on your blog! It's banned!". No bloody wonder HIV infection rates are so high in America, people like at Blogsurfer are too fuckin scared to recognise it even exists, let along talk about it. Or let a bit of education about the real world get out there. Some poor dear might get offended at the sight of a bottom.

News flash Blogsurfer. Gay people have sex. There is a whole necessary thing about having to educate people about how not to pass it on (no matter what the Pope thinks BTW). Gays go to sex on premises places on drugs, and sometimes have sex that endangers them of contracting HIV. How about we talk to them in the world that they live? How about we get with the fuckin programme, instead of moralising about a bit of fuckin nudity.

These campaigns are well known here amongst the gay community. We know what they're talking about. And it looks to me like it's working a lot better than moralising about nudity. 

Blogsurfer, you are doing the gay world a disservice. You are doing a disservice to perhaps someone who might have discovered this blog overseas through your site and avoided getting HIV after getting a bit educated about sexual practices amongst gays. I'm hugely disappointed. Now they will never know. That is a tragedy.

I'm going ahead with the AVO

The Chamber Registrar from the local court rang me earlier to discuss the death threat. After I read her the message, and explained a bit of background, she was quite happy to make an appt for me to come in and file for an Apprehended Violence Order. The first available is this Thursday just before lunch. I'll have to take the day off work but that's fine, I'll ask for it out of annual leave. 

It's quite a process as it's not a case of domestic violence as I don't live with him. The application will be made and a court date set for him to attend court 2 weeks later. The two weeks is to give enough time for the police to serve him with the court attendance notice. If he doesn't turn up, then it's adjourned for a later date to give more time for him to be served. Or, if he turns up and rejects the fact of being given an AVO then it will go to a hearing, of which I will have to present my case to a magistrate. 

If his challenge is upheld I may be liable for his court costs. But honestly I can't see that happening. I have witnesses and it's all there in full glorious Facebook colours. I can't believe the idiot put that on the internet FFS! It just shows how little control he had over himself when he wrote it. Other than it doesn't cost me anything all of this. 

I also have to write a summary of what's happened to take with me on Thursday. No worries, easy.

The fact that I'm HIV+ and he used that in the message makes it even worse for him. The stress caused can directly impact on my immune system and health. Not to mention the depression and anxiety that I already suffer because of the HIV already.

He's picked on the wrong bloody person this time. 

Lamb chops for Australia Day

Australia Day is coming up on the 26th of this month (a holiday) and Sam Kekovich always comes out with adds for eating lamb on that day. This is his add I saw on telly a couple of days ago, pretty bloody funny:

 

The one about Charlie Sheen being "off his chops" made me really laugh a lot. That's slang here, is you say someone is "off their chops" it means "off their face"/wasted. He refers to releasing a music video for Australia Day too this year, all about eating lamb. I have no idea if it will be a hit, but the early signs are looking good. The video was released not long after the add went to air:

 

Ended up at the pub for a while last night. The news is that the bloke who sent me the dastardly message got himself into trouble there through the week. I've not been all week, felt good actually not to drink. But anyway it turns out that the other night he was permanently banned from going there again by the pub management. He was being continually hostile and aggressive to the bouncers there, arguing about stupid little things. He was given a few chances over days, but in the end management lost patience and just banned him. I spoke a bit to the manager there last night and mentioned a bit about my situation. It just confirmed to him that the right decision had been made in banning him. So, looks like he's cooked his goose.

Good advice from someone who cares

I think my judgement is all fucked up.

So far I've gone from laughing about a death threat, to um, actually recognising that it is a death threat but still not taking it that seriously. Thinking in fact that it might be actionable legally but not particularly believing there was any more than that to it. I'm the nut who usually over reacts to everything, but in this case I appear to be doing exactly the reverse.

Now I'm getting a different perspective. I sent the screen shot of it to Simon and we discussed it 2 nights ago when he rang. Since then I've had time to give his reaction a bit of thought (as others) and it is much more sobering than my laughing about it. He was very worried about the sinister nature of the message, and what the bloke might be capable of given that. It was obvious to Simon that he was disturbed in some way psychologically, and because of that he was some kind of loose canon or some shit. I didn't take it in that much when we talked as it was in the middle of discussing other things, but Simon has always be very perceptive and an excellent judge of character. I certainly trust his judgement in this case more than mine.

He told me to completely stay right away from him, which I was going to do anyway, but he made the point of saying to even just stay away from the pub altogether. I'm taking his advice on this.

Apart from simply avoiding confrontation, it's also very important with HIV to avoid too much stress and aggravation. They can directly affect the immune system. HIV is a serious disease, and I have to recognise and remind myself of that on occasions such as this. To have the tension of him being even anywhere near me may in fact impact on my health condition re the HIV. Certainly not a laughing matter at all. I just don't need that shit.

I will know more about where I stand on this after Monday when the court bloke rings to discuss the whole thing and see if I have a real complaint or not. They would know much more about it all than me, particularly in legal aspects. Most importantly however I do need to be very aware of my HIV condition through all of this and to listen, take note, and follow the best advice I can. I guess I better let the court bloke know of my vulnerability here if he thinks it necessary. Being HIV+ certainly isn't normal, and may involve more protection needed from someone than a negative person, I just don't know yet. Early days.

I think it's so sweet of Simon to be worried about me like this. I shows that he still cares.  

Simon is coming soon

Simon rang last night from Lightning Ridge and was asking if it was OK to come and stay for a bit. He seemed a bit worried that I didn't want him here after the disagreement we had of recent times. I'm pretty much over that though, and he's keen to come. Told him he was welcome to come anytime. I'm hopeless at making plans, as he knows. 

He's talking about maybe in a couple of weeks. Is fine with me, think I'm very much looking forward to seeing him this time. Last time was a bit awkward but this time seems better. He has a friend staying at his place from Brisbane who's happy to look after the house and dog for him, so it will just be him. He'll get the bus and train to Sydney as it's much cheaper than driving.

It'll be good to have someone with me at night in bed again for a while. He didn't say how long he wanted to stay exactly, but I don't mind if he stays a few weeks. The poor dear gets very lonely out there in Lightning Ridge when he's on his own. I dunno how he can live out in the middle of nowhere like that. Last time I was there I really noticed how at night the nearest person is some way off. It seemed very quiet and a long long way from civilisation. A bit scary for me after living in eastern Sydney for so long. 

We always get on well when we're together, and the conversation always flows freely. It was the first major disagreement we had about anything the other month. It is very hard I guess to maintain any sort of relationship being about 1,000km's apart, let alone with me being nuts! It's important for him to have his own life and for me to realise that he will at times get sick of worrying about my train wreck of a life. We certainly agree on that.  

Getting things done

Set the wheels in motion today for the AVO. Typical slow court crap, I have a phone interview on Monday with a "Chamber Registrar", whatever the fuck that is. They will talk to me and ascertain if in their opinion my complaint is legit. I may have to go in for a face to face thing if they want me to. 

I really don't need this shit man, but WTF am I supposed to do? NOBODY threatens me like that. 

After visiting the court I went to the $guru and handed in the application form, which he will send off from there. It was all OK, and he was nodding with approval as he went through it checking. It will be sent off to Canberra via registered mail, and he will keep a copy just in case anything happens. I said that was good, as there was 3 months work involved in that bloody form. 

He wasn't guaranteeing anything, but it all looks fine to him.

After that I went across the road to the pub. It was a very nice city pub, have never been there before. Renovated but with the gist of the old style of the building. 

 

Death threat

I finally got the printer fixed! OMG I don't believe it! It was one of those things that I was just at a loss, after repeatedly trying different things. In the end I went to Control Panel and removed the whole printer drivers from there and started from scratch. Looked up the manufacturers site and found some updated driver software for that model printer, downloaded that (about 30 megs or so) and did a clean installation without overwriting anything that was still there from previously. 

It appears to have worked! Fuck I nearly bloody fainted. This has been going on for about a week now, and there's some things I really needed to get printed for tomorrow and was just about out of time. 

I've got the $guru tomorrow, am taking in the 42 question application form for early release of my super to pay debts. Have been working on this bloody form for about 2-3 weeks. They want everything backed up by documentation, and I mean everything. As I don't get much physical mail anymore I've had to print out the latest statements from online, as well as scanning and printing copies for ID proof (passport, citizenship cert). Didn't realise how much I needed that printer until it shit itself and refused to play.

Am also considering my options regarding the crazy person from the pub. The message he left on Facebook the other night hasn't bothered me as he appears to be a very confused person sexually. Much of it is simply a very predictable homophobic rant, IMO outing him as a bit of a closet dweller. But I do take notice of how he threatens me as he did in it.

 

He only goes like that when he's been drinking, but that's no fuckin excuse as far as I'm concerned. The whole tone of the message shows that when he was writing it he was completely off the air and out of control. I'd not have liked to be in the same room with him. I'm currently considering, with others, an AVO against him (Apprehended Violence Order). 

A place to relax

Have been trying to create a relaxing atmosphere at home. Doing the candle thing, although it might be a bit overdone. Warm lighting seems to make a big difference.

A bit of entertainment

Feeling a bit ill today. Wasn't very well yesterday at work, the usual sore throat and mouth thing. Not too bad, but have a headache on top of it. Did have rather a bit to drink last night, so no surprise am not so well today I guess. Am using the gargle stuff from the chemist. It works so well that stuff, kills the germs and clears up mouth ulcers quickly. Wished I'd have known about it years ago, as (as I've said) I've gotten mouth ulcers all my life. They can be very painful at times. 

I ditched the new plan from the ISP that was going to bundle together the home phone and net for a cheaper price. Was still in the 2 week cooling off period so it was no dramas to cancel it and just leave everything as it was. They started to have this major crisis over my address being changed, after they had made the mistake of putting it down wrong in the first place. All it was was to change one digit, but it was all too hard for them. Then  they wanted me to fix it somehow, WTF? In the end I just told them to forget the whole thing. I was put through to head office, and OMG I was actually talking to someone in Australia and not India. Fuck I nearly fainted.

Been a strange sort of week. Sort of withdrew into myself a bit over that mean comment said the other day. I was annoyed that such a small thing had had such a big impact on me. Met up with a mate yesterday for a drink after work, and it was a bit of a De-briefing chat about the whole incident. Helped me to see things differently and that it wasn't a good idea to let someone intimidate me like that. 

We went and had a beer at the local pub after that. Sat outside away from where the guy was as I felt more comfortable. Later however we went inside as it was getting cold (can't believe this crazy weather; cold in bloody Jan) and the bloke was inside also, on his own, glaring at us. He came over to our group, words were exchanged, and in the end I told him to "FUCK OFF", in those precise words and with the capitals indicating that yes, I yelled it. I'd say a reaction to being so hurt earlier in the week. 

So the bouncers chucked him out as he was going off his brain. Then they told me to leave, which I was fine with but pointed out to the bouncer that he was still outside the door there going bananas. There was no way they were going to let me out there with him there like that, as they had an obligation to protect people in such circumstances. So I asked if I could have another beer, and was let too. Although they did say that was the last one. We left as a group not long after and he was gone.

Today I got an email saying he'd left a message on my Facebook. Oh how predictable I thought. And when reading it it was so full of cliches and the usual hate stuff that I laughed. Still, I may take it to the police. I took a screen shot and emailed it to him along with some other people, and told him I was considering involving the police with it and he better back off immediately. 

You know, it does perhaps sound a bit of a worry. But after dealing with HIV, he's nothing. More like a bit of entertainment than anything else. 

The price of the closet

I've not really been thinking about this at all the last 24 hours, rather the thoughts have invaded my consciousness. Particularly as someone who has jumped the fence, it's with fairly recent memories that I decided to engage in sexual exploration. I guess I was always curious about the other side of things, my first experience with a guy was in Auckland at 17. Spent the night at a guys place who picked me up when I was walking home late at night from work in the inner city. This was way back in the very late 70's. He screwed me and although I was curious it hurt a lot. After that I decided to stick with girls. 

After my wife died I was come on to by a guy in a chance thing at a pub. Being open minded and much older, I decided to go with it. And after that I decided I wanted to see what the gay part of me was all about. It obviously was there as part of my sexuality I thought. You only get one life don't you, and after all the years of trauma I was happy to experiment and discover different things. There were the issues of old family friends and particularly my daughter, but when the time was right I was open about what I was doing. This is after all, eastern Sydney FFS. If anyone had a problem then that was there fault.

Today I'm still on that same path of discovery. I don't think it will ever end. IMO sexuality can't be put into a box, labeled, and made out to be what you are forever more. "Gay" IMO can be as much a label as "straight". There's many in between's, and much evolution in people's lives. A persons sexuality may be in flux or quite rigidly defined, but there's no universal label I reckon. I still am finding new paths and new things that I like. 

And then there are others.....   Others who live in the same open minded environment as me in eastern Sydney. Here, very few care less about you being gay, which I guess was a big reason why I felt so free exploring sex. Sydney has I've been told the 2nd highest per capita of gays in the world, second only to San Fransisco (BTW eastern Sydney also has a very high HIV rate among gays, not straights, gays; one in 5 are positive). But anyway, despite the open society, there are still people here in the closet.

And it's tragic. I thought I was fuckin tragic, but I got nothing on these guys. At least I was brave enough to admit I wanted to have sex with men. These guys in the closet have sex with men but pretend to be straight. Live a lie. 

Sometimes they're not even in a relationship with a girl. Sometimes they are free to do what they want, but are bound by their own inner fear and self hatred of how they feel. They open the door to their sexuality, but never enter. They live in a world of fear and horror; the fear of being caught going too far, and the horror of that fear.

Sometimes they get used by savvy guys. Guys who themselves are confused sexually, and can see the same signs in their victim. They lead him on. They string him out. They give the hint. But they never fulfill it. They use him up, and in the end won't give a fuck about him. And he who can't simply go out and look for someone who declares themselves gay, is used up.

His friendships fail. Those who really care about him are cast aside as he blindly follows his latest boy. His latest frustrated hidden desire. The boy can do no wrong, and his friends are all wrong. His friends leave.

It'd be better if he just said he was happy to explore himself sexually, and if people didn't like it then they could fuck off. He would get much respect and acceptance, his friends would gather and support him. But he chooses not to. He ends up isolated and alone.

This is just some of the cost of the closet.  

That's life

Went to the Infectious Diseases clinic at the hospital yesterday and had a very good result. As things have gone so well with my health lately (CD4 count over 700, and the kidneys near normal again) that they recommended I simply see my GP for the quarterly blood tests. That's about all I'm getting done there now. My GP specialises in dealing with HIV along with the centre he's at. That's also where I'm taking part in the study of how HIV affects the brain. I know that many positive gay guys get treated at that centre, it's just that I was diagnosed at another STD clinic and was going through there afterwards. Since the Great Kidney Collapse of 2011, all previous arrangements went out the window and most of my treatment for everything was through the hospital. Now I'll be able to simply go to my doctor and have everything done there. 

I'm really bloody pleased about this. There's a lot of things about that hospital that have very bad memories for me. Apart from the horror involved when I was in delirium, there was also things like where the ID's clinic was for example; about two doors down from the hospital room where my late wife spent months in as she slowly died, and where she had the heart attack. The GP is at a nice medical centre away from all that, with a lovely atmosphere in the place. I'll email him in the next few days. The clinic is going to send him a letter summarising everything, along with the results of the blood taken yesterday. 

This is going to mean a big difference for me in my treatment. Going to your doctor is a lot different than walking through a hospital. It will make me feel much more normal somehow. Things like that are important to me, as I'm still rather nuts darlings. Keeping things pleasant helps.

I was reminded by an incident yesterday that yes, I'm still pretty out there. It was a mean comment by someone, probably not worth the bother of stressing out about (given the nature of the person who said it). But for some reason it must have triggered something in my mind, I dunno even what it might have been linked to. But I got home a bit later after shopping and got really upset about it. 

Had an episode dears, a full on one. Went to bed and just couldn't stop crying. I thought maybe I'm overly sensitive or something, but it was more than that; a trigger in my head that went right off. Hate crying like that, as it doesn't help. It just takes you further into the pain and you cry more. Haven't had such an episode in a long time (well probably over 6 months ago) and it was intense. Went on for about an hour before I was able to settle down. Sort of stunned by the suddenness and strength of what had just happened, and that I had no control over it. Perhaps it's part of Post Traumatic Stress, or maybe to do with the brain injury beginning of last year, I dunno. 

Went to sleep, and slept OK for a while, until later near morning I was dreaming horribly. In it I was crying like I had earlier, and woke up crying. It was fuckin horrible. All over a fuckin trigger FFS! Yes, I'm still a bit nuts it appears. 

Still vulnerable. But I can't expect people to remember that. Fucks sake half the time people forget I even have HIV I look so well. People are going to say things sometimes I guess. That's life isn't it.

End of the time off

I'm back at work tomorrow. Can't say I'm thrilled to bits about it. Most probably though I'll be fine once I get there. The hardest thing these days with work is getting up at 6am in the morning to get there. Will have to set the alarm I think, as the alarm cat has gotten used to me sleeping much later. 

The odd person is saying that maybe I should go back to full time as I seem to be a lot better now health wise. I dunno though. It was as much about me hating the factory manager and what he's done to the place, as it was about my health. Some of all that time off last year I'd have to admit was simply because I didn't like the idea of going to work at a place with less and less staff, and more and more pressure. And for what? So the shareholders could line their pockets?  

I just don't want to work there at all. At least though I can keep it down to only 3 days. That's enough of an effort to make for assholes. I'll be 50 this year too (OMG I don't believe I will actually make it!) and that's really starting to get up there for the sort of work I'm doing, even if I didn't have HIV.

Rang this morning and got an appt with the $guru next Tuesday as requested. I've had another hiccup though; I need to print out my latest bank stuff of what I owe, but the printer has for some reason beyond my comprehension, shit itself, and won't print a thing. Tried everything that I can figure, the only thing left would be a complete un-installation and reinstalling it from scratch. Ugh, I dread to think... looks like I'll have to give it a go though. Or maybe I could look online to see if I can update the drivers...... hmmmmm..... the plot thickens. Or maybe I'll just go to an internet cafe and do it, I only need three pages done, can't cost much.

This afternoon I have an appt with the HIV doctors at the hospital. Fuck that came around quick! I'm so sick of going to bloody clinic appts. Had my fair share of them last year. I suppose they're just doing their job. Will try and make it quick this time, usually lasts about 20 minutes to half an hour in with the doctor, and then to the blood taking place downstairs to have about a bazillion vials filled as they test for every disease known to man, or some shit like that. I'm just over it. My CD4 count has been wonderful, maybe I can ask them to have longer between appts. Although I do find it very convenient to be checked for STD's regularly.

Dumb fucks

Slept like crap last night. Got woken up at about 1am by people talking outside on the street, but it wasn't that loud so I just sort of didn't bother worrying about it. But it kept going, then would stop, then would start again just as I was nearly back to sleep. And on and on and on like that. In the end I looked at the clock and it was nearly 2am, WTF? Pulled the curtains, and there sitting on the from brick fence (see picture last post outside my bedroom window) was some guy all relaxed with his feet up on the fence. His other mate was sitting on the footpath.

I dunno they may have had a few, who knows, but I pulled open the window and told them to go talk somewhere else, I was trying to sleep, and it was bloody 2am. They left. Then I was so awake and pissed off about it I couldn't go back to sleep for ages. What a couple of fuckin morons. So today I'm pretty tired and grumpy. Nobody better fuck with me today.

Got up, daughter had done the dishes and fed the cat. I dunno what's going through that cats head sometimes. It's always been a bit weird. It seems to have developed this weird way of looking at the world; upside down. Came out of the bedroom in the morning the other day and it was lying in the hallway next to the front door, upside down, just looking at things.

Strange. It's like it's fascinated by being upside down.

But I digress. So I just went straight and started fucking around on the net. Had to ring the ISP as they've signed me up for a new plan and when I logged in to make sure the details were right they'd gotten my address wrong. So then I had to call the help centre, in India of course (where else?). Can change all my other details online, all except my address. All it needed was one digit changed from a 2 to a 1. Then it was all too hard for the girl there and she had to get her supervisor. Then I was put on hold, so went and got the speaker phone to listen to their elevator music. Then she came back and said it was going to take a while. I said just send me an email when it's done. I got no email, but it's been done.

I sort of didn't want to bother but as the plan is a lot cheaper I don't really have much choice, not with my $ situation. At the moment I get the land line phone through Telstra which is usually about $50 a month, and the net through the ISP at $35 a month (for 100 gigs, goes through the landline, fast ADSL2+). This way I'll get both the land line phone and the net all through the ISP at $50 capped. I'm keeping my pre-paid mobile with Telstra.  

Starting the new year

Feeling completely different than yesterday. Got up before 8 and opened the curtains. Not exactly a picturesque view, 

 but a bright sunny day with light flooding into the bedroom. The grass and trees in the middle are from decades ago when they used to have trams. Dunno why they got rid of them, bloody stupid. The tree in the middle of the pic has rainbow lorikeets in it seasonally.

The tree comes out in red things and they eat them. Haven't seen them lately but when the tree is covered in red they go there at the crack of dawn, squawking all about the branches and stuffing their beaks. It's funny as they don't stay too long and soon move onto another tree; it's like they know if they eat everything in one day the tree can't grow more by next morning. 

Opened the bedroom window. Still not too hot outside. Pleasant but not stifling. Very strange this summer as usually by Jan and Feb we're all about to faint from the heat. Can't say I'm complaining. I remember what last summer was like and I just got hugely sick of sweating all the time and the humidity that you could just about taste. 

I don't usually feel different on new years day. This time though it does feel different. Am almost too scared to hope after everything that's happened, in case it's just going to be another disappointment.  

Hooray! It's over!

And so ends a year of horror.

 (more pics here) 

I'm certainly glad to see the back of 2011.