Wednesday, 1 March 2017

Apprehensive about tomorrow's kidney blood results

Trying to remain positive (pun intended) but because of what I went through in 2010/11 and how close I came to death, I'm feeling very worried about seeing the doctor tomorrow for the blood results taken yesterday. It's a reminder of mortality and that at times life can hang by a thread. 

Dr wanted to see me before Monday's kidney specialist appt in case something more had to be done before the appt. He's probably just being extremely cautious, but all those memories of what happened the other year have come back haunting. I only just survived, a number of things happening simply by chance meant I escaped death. The specialist who took charge at the hospital told me I'd have been dead in 48 hours had I not been told to go to the hospital by a doctor.

I guess it's only a natural reaction for me to feel scared like this. And in a way I can stand back from it and note that without having to engage those feelings (I've had a fuckin lot of counseling darlings). But at times there's no simple observing of those feelings as they can overwhelm.

Fell apart with David last night talking about it. He's really worried and I try not to worry him. He's being very good with it all saying "I'm not going to lose you!" and "You're not going to die!", which does help. But then again what if I die before we can get married? What a horrible thing that would be for David to go through. Are there any more rotten cards that life can deal even after everything that's happened? To both of us.

All I need now is some idiotic Centrelink debt notice.... :s