Monday, 27 March 2017

Feeling vulnerable and anxious - psychologist visit

Quite often I don't get through the whole session hour as there's been no major catastrophes of late. This time however had only 5 minutes to spare before I ended it.

Discussed the obvious state of mind recently thanks to the ongoing kidney scare. Noticed in summery that I'm exhibiting classic depression behaviour; everything seems to be an effort, find it hard to be interested in much, sleeping absurd amounts of time. This was obvious to me upon self analysis and I told him about it all. There's been days when I can hardly bring myself out of the bedroom as getting up and starting the day seems all too hard and depressive. 

Given what's happening with my health he advised that feeling this way was understandable. The collapses/faintings I've been having, the severe dizziness, the disoriented vision, the severe muscle pain, has all contributed to me feeling vulnerable and anxious. 

Indeed at times I've stayed in bed because I've felt dizzy getting up and felt it was safer just to lie in bed than risk another collapse. Some days I've not even been able to do the dishes in the morning because it's too painful to stand leaning over the sink, or I've been so dizzy  I've had to do them a bit at a time. David does so much looking after me I don't want him doing the bloody dishes as well!

It's been a few visits since the psychologist has asked, but this time he asked if I'd had any thoughts of suicide. That question was a standard one for quite some time in the past, but in more recent times has become less frequent. Such has been the nature of my mental health that suicide was a very real option for years.

I explained that I was describing to him my behaviour and the conclusion I'd drawn from it was that I was very depressed, but no I'd not thought about the last resort escape from it all 😎