Moving on

Survived the little excursion up the road last night. To be honest I found it all a bit boring. Sometimes I wonder why some of those people even bother going there when they're not into doing anything at all. I suppose they could be straight, theyre the ones who just stand there and do nothing, expect you to do it all, sheesh. I met a straight guy there  a few years ago, he was in a long term relationship with a woman, owned a house with her and everything. Yet here he was going out having sex with men. All behind her back. He did it a lot too. I just don't know how someone could lead such a double life. The effort alone must be enormous. But FFS the conscience issues blow my mind. 

I'm mystified by Centrelink now. Honestly they can't seem to get anything right. I see why some people just don't bother going through all the BS with them for the Sickness Allowance, even if they are off work for a month or so. For a measly $300 a week it's probably not worth the hassle if you can avoid it. The latest is that after telling me I owe them $600 (from that last payment I got whilst working nearly full time) they've sent me another letter saying they're going to pay me $89 at the end of the month. WTF? I just haven't got time to go and wait in their stupid fuckin line to sort out their brain dead mess. Or attempt to ring on the phone. They have given me an official reporting day for my income though, next Tuesday, which I can do online. Hopefully I can give them the message that I'm working full time now and don't want their money and hassles anymore. Fucks sake, it must drive people crazy if they have to deal with them all the time. 

I see the psychologist Monday, 2 weeks only this time in between visits. When I answered the usual suicide question last time I had to be honest, and say that yes the thoughts had gone through my mind. Have been thinking last couple of days in the lead up to the visit about what's presently happening in my head and the best thing to discuss. I dunno how relevant it is to my present situation, but it did occur to me yesterday how there have been very few times in my life that people haven't been incredibly critical of me as a person. In all cases it's been because of their own issues, not mine. I'm wondering now if that has had some impact on my thinking and self value over the years. 

One thing that seems to be very relevant of late is the thing not to worry about what other people think, and that it's best for me to follow my own path independently. An offshoot of that perhaps is that I just can't be bothered anymore with conflict. It's like, "oh well they have their own lives and ideas, whatever..... ", and I just don't care anymore about people who's own thinking reflects on how they treat other people. Chucking J's stuff out on the street for example, wasn't an act of war. It was simply giving up any friendship that existed and moving forward without her.