The alcohol thing

Cold and raining here today. Autumn has finally arrived. Didn't get up until late, just stayed in bed and the cat came and lay there on the bed too. Had to get up eventually as it started meowing it's head off to be fed. Daughter has gone to a friends for the weekend, they have a birthday and is a get-together for that, so I'm home alone. Just me and the cat. I have to go out in the rain sometime today to get litter for its litter box. And to buy another umbrella. I always seem to lose them, this one I left at the voting booth of all places. Yesterday was the New South Wales state election. Both major parties are hopeless, I voted for the Greens.

The neighbour came out and said hello to me when I was taking out the rubbish. He's the one who my daughter got to come in with her to check on me and found me nearly dead on the bed; the start of the second stay in hospital. He's worked in aged care nursing homes so knew all the first aid stuff and that an ambulance had to be rung. He thought I was dead when he first saw me. He invited me to come over for a bit, but I don't really feel like it today. I'm very appreciative of him saving my life of course, but he seems to spend his whole life getting pissed and watching the telly.

Went and had a couple of drinks yesterday afternoon at the pub, and ended up there for a while with people I'd known. J was there too, the one who I chucked all her stuff out on the street. She seems remarkably congenial and wants to rebuilt the friendship. I dunno, she gave me that much fuckin BS when I was knocked out on the floor. Any communication with her resulted in her crapping on about what a terrible person I was supposed to be. I'll never forget that text "I don't care about your near death experience", WTF? There I was sort of numb and in shock, in hospital only 3 days or so after nearly carking it, and she sends me that crap. 

In the end I just couldn't deal with the BS anymore, the last thing I needed was someone treating me like that in the condition I was in. I had to get her out of my life, tried to be civilized about it for a bit, but then snapped over that email she sent on Christmas day; replying to mine about dates for her to come get her stuff. Again, she crapped on about what a fuckwit I evidently was. That was it, I just wanted to get rid of her there and then. It may have been wrong to chuck her stuff out, but certainly understandable IMO. A psychological defence mechanism. I was in deep shock and not able to deal with that from her. 

Whether she realised or not just how sick I was is beside the point. Again, this was one of those occasions when I was being told what a bad person I was, and all it had to do with was her own issues. Not mine. I haven't the time, energy, or willpower to help her with her issues. The best thing was for her to just go away. Maybe she's changed now, who knows. 

But I'm not going to make the pub a regular thing like before. In fact I feel a bit out of place there now for some reason, dunno why. Perhaps just not wanting that whole regular scene again of getting rather pissed every day and spending a fortune. It's not good for depression either alcohol, even though I only drink beer. I want to have more control over my life now, not go back to basically losing control because of alcohol.