Beyond the shadows

I dunno if I'll ever be without the past. It's there now, haunting and threatening. Always with me. I try to live my life apart from it, but sometimes still the memories are triggered. Hellish memories. I just can't believe what I've been through. How is it possible for one person to endure so much emotional pain? The scars remain, they will never go. The shadows still are cast long, still darkening life. I try to walk between them, like a fuckin tight rope. Sometimes I succeed, and it seems like I'm succeeding more lately. But sometimes I don't, and am trapped in that world of depression and pain for a while. I hang on, because I know it won't last. I'm even having some days when I'm actually feeling happy now, a strange but pleasant emotion. 

And I wonder.... what's it like beyond the shadows? Where you don't have to walk a tight rope. Where the sun shines and the shadows don't haunt. What's it like to be just naturally happy, without even any help from pills? What's it like to not be worried about what the past could do to you? These things for me seem a far off dream. I doubt I will ever know.