"Time"

Spent the day traveling yesterday, and arrived back in Sydney and home at about half ten pm. Back over the great dividing ranges, and through the outer suburbs of Sydney; the suburban Utopian houses of the great masses, but which I perceive as boxes of suburban death. Back to Sydney's east. 

It was good to get away. Another step forward in many ways. Despite all the anxiety involved, everything went well. Next time I go anywhere will be much more confident. The alternative is to sit and slowly die at home. Literally. I realise there is that danger, even at this age. Have never been in the past afraid of change and new things, yet lately have been a bit paralyzed with anxiety and fear. Just wanting to stay at home and do nothing. It's a natural response to the horrible state of affairs I've gone through recently, so I'm not going to beat myself up over it. But I do also have to realise that there does come a time when I'll be facing a choice; a choice between giving in to the anxiety and fear and never moving forward, or to challenge said anxiety and fear and get myself back to some sort of life not involving mental paralysis. I'm always reminded of those immortal words from Pink Floyds "Dark Side of the Moon". I listened to it a lot as a teenager, and early on in life. Didn't want to end up like a lot of my older brothers and sisters did back in New Zealand. They've spent their whole lives in the same local area, done the family thing and mortgage, but today often feel like they've hardly lived life at all.

Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day
You fritter and waste the hours in an offhand way
Kicking around on a piece of ground in your home town
Waiting for someone or something to show you the way

Tired of lying in the sunshine staying home to watch the rain
You are young and life is long and there is time to kill today
And then one day you find ten years have got behind you
No one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun

And you run and you run to catch up with the sun, but its sinking
And racing around to come up behind you again
The sun is the same in a relative way, but you're older
Shorter of breath and one day closer to death

Every year is getting shorter, never seem to find the time
Plans that either come to naught or half a page of scribbled lines
Hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way
The time has gone, the song is over, thought I'd something more to say

"Time", Pink Floyd 

I wanted to see how Simon and I got along too. I've not spent an entire week up there away from all the hassles here. It's Simon in his own surroundings. The actual place of Lightning Ridge just isn't viable as a place for me to live in the long term, mainly due to the lack of services out there. Takes a week to get to see a doctor for example, as there's only one there. Just fuckin ridiculous. Had my kidneys collapsed out there I'd have died, have no doubt. Am still a bit miffed about having to declare what medication I was taking in front of everyone at the Pharmacy counter there the other day too. It was just chance that I wasn't on any HIV pills, but if I was there I'd have been, put into the position of having to declare my status to a Pharmacy trainee taking the notes, and in front of about 5 locals. A small town, it have not taken long for the whole place to know I was positive. Simon suggested if that situation arose to demand a private place to discuss it with the pharmacist, which sounds logical, but still ....

But anyway, apart from the unlikely chance of me moving out there permanently, I was pleased at how well Simon and I both got on. I'd say the closest we'd ever been. It's more than just a fuck, as he really cares about me. Told him he proved that by spending a month in Sydney in Jan/Feb looking after me after getting out of hospital. And he stayed around even when he thought my mind had gone and I barely recognised him. And when he was here for those weeks my mind was damaged from lack of oxygen. I couldn't feel hardly any emotions at all, or if I did I remained quite detached from everyone, including him. So it was of great interest, perhaps even of concern, that I wanted to gauge how we felt for each other now.

We also had some discussions about the future. He's talking about selling his place there down the track and coming and living with me. Would say Id be very happy for us to live together, but I dunno if I'd want the responsibility of him selling his place if our relationship went pear shaped. He has however assured me it would be his decision what he wants to do with it. Being in the middle of nowhere and off the grid, it's a hell of a lot of work to maintain. I mean you can't just plug something in and it goes for instance, as the solar panels supply only 12 volts. They run the lights and anything else you can plug in to work with 12 volts, perhaps via adapters and such, but not a normal plug in thing. To get normal electricity you have to start the diesel generator (a major feat in itself) which is fuckin loud. Then the rainwater tanks are what you use for showering and dishes, but it's not the best to drink it so you have to buy drinking water. You can't have a hot shower unless you turn on the boiler, which uses heaps of gas out of the gas bottle outside. A normal sized fridge they run with gas out there (have never heard of a gas powered fridge before) but they use so much gas that he bought just a very small thing about the size of a small bar fridge. Can hardly fit anything in it. So he buys that milk that you don't have to refrigerate until you open it, instead of fresh milk. You can't flush the toilet very often because it fills up by gravity feed and takes forever to refill the cistern. And it just goes on and on, the amount of work involved just to have what we all take for granted is staggering. So he's saying he'll have to get rid of it sooner or later because of that. Reckons he didn't realise all that was involved when he bought the place.

Being there for a whole week too, gave a much better understanding of the sort of people who live there. This visit I did feel very different. Perhaps it was because around Easter there's a lot of farming rather than mining people in town, or simply that I had more time to mix with them. I honestly can't imagine what their reaction would be if I disclosed even that I was gay, let alone that I was HIV+. 

Took a few pics. Will look at them and see if there's any worth posting.