Five years

Have mixed feelings about today. It's 5 years today that my wife died.

It was after many years of illness, slowly succumbing to disease. In the end she was just skin and bone, very weak, most of her hair fallen out, no control over her bowels. I was there with her when she died in the nursing home, was just us two in the room. Her breathing got weaker and weaker, and then stopped. I waited for about 5 minutes as we both said goodbye to each other. Sometimes I wish I'd have been able to go with her, but it wasn't to be. Those last weeks of her life we'd become the closest we'd ever been. And then we had to part. 

That was when I lost the fear of death.

So much has happened in that five years. Needless to say that on occasions I nearly didn't make it to here and now. So many traumas. So many times of pain. It has been the worst 5 years of my life. I just hope I'm through it now, and maybe get dealt a few good cards.

The shadow of those events still looms over me. They have left their mark on my psyche. I fear the pain; of it coming back at times from reminders. It scares me to think what I've been through, and what it's done to me. When the pain monster completely took over, and death seemed to be the only way out. The only way to stop that terrible pain. The only escape. 

Five years I think is a significant marker. These five years I want to put behind me. Bury them in the past and look forward. Surely the next 5 years will be better. They couldn't be any worse.

Didn't go to work today. Felt a bit sick from a bit too many beers yesterday but that wasn't it. Couldn't face work on an anniversary like this. Daughter has stayed home too.