It hasn't been a good couple of days. I dunno where the depression comes from as there just doesn't seem to be any major event that triggers it, or even any minor event. Last few days it's slowly built up, to where yesterday I simply felt like crying all day. Maybe the psychologist report (for Centrelink) had more of an impact on me than I realised? Or maybe the way work ended in June in such a fucked up way; I was glad of the redundancy money but to be treated as nothing more than a number/"unit" was a bit debilitating psychologically after being there for 13 years.
I spoke to Simon last night when he rang a bit concerned. I'd let it slip in a text message earlier in the day that I was feeling depressed. Didn't want to worry him really though. We had a little discussion and it occurred to me that perhaps the reflective mood one gets in when they reach 50 had something to do with it. Said I felt sort of shell shocked at the moment about everything that's happened. A bit sort of numb and paralysed in the head. I got the feeling with the Centrelink guy that everything I gave him from the specialists and all was overkill, like hitting an ant with a sledgehammer. He seemed genuinely concerned for my welfare, not just about the process of getting the disability form through. That's pretty rare in my experience with Centrelink, as usually they're uncaring, brain dead, emotionless, bureaucratic automatons, being instructed for their every move by the PC screen in front of them. For one of them to actually show genuine concern, is perhaps a reflection of my actual state.
It's been a hard road the last few years. Yesterday I felt like there was nothing left in the tank. Upset. I suppose given all the circumstances this is perfectly understandable.
Last night I slept solidly for 10 hours, after having a very nice fresh fish fillet I got up the road. Just cooked some pasta and sauce with it, a few mixed veges. Today I'm not feeling so bad. You do have to let these emotions run their course don't you to get through it.
Today I also found a very inspiring bloke on the net, who it appears has become a bit of an online legend. He writes about this video:
For a total of 6 months between Dec 2009 and June 2010, I had been living in a hospital room, isolated because of a case of Multi-Drug-Resistant Tuberculosis that I picked up travelling overseas. This video allows you to join me, in my hospital room, for my 180th Day.
I started Youtubing from inside hospital as "The Fully Sick Rapper" as a way to give a few mates a laugh, and keep myself busy, but it fast became a way for me to keep myself distracted from the health issues I have been facing, share my experience with the world, bounce positive energy off people going through similar circumstances, and escape the four walls of my quarantined room.
This video was made 3 days before I was told that I was cleared to go home, and when I made it, I was unsure of when (if ever) I was going to be able to go home again.
You can read the words in the YouTube page, but some of them:
Today in this mirror, there's a man I don't recognize, he's a boy wearing the body of a man for a disguise, this is a boy for whom I can't help, but sympathize, for it's the apparent strength of mine, on which this poor boy relies.
And these eyes in the mirror that stare back at me, no longer offer the strength and comfort I long to see, just a patient, a broken spirit, longing for sympathy, someone to save me from sinking in self pity.
But too proud to accept pity, and not wanting weakness to be seen, I'll wrap myself up in an artificial well-being, cause it's better than seeing myself as a weak human being, so I'll keep smiling and just keep on agreeing...
That everything's okay and that I'm feeling fine. Cause I know that there are hundreds of thousands that are left to die, who don't even get themselves the right to a medical file, or see a doctor, see a nurse, see anyone, and meanwhile....
I can choose to be a victim, cursed from the beginning, or can face up to fear, and do all my own forgiving, for the risks I have taken, and the mistakes that I have made, and for the errors of our brothers and sisters of yesterday.
Link
Today, it's pretty hard to read that without crying. It's pretty much exactly how I'm feeling right now.
A short interview with him from the telly:
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