OMG what a long Monday it has been

Good grief....

Bad enough being Monday, but had the Blood Pressure Pill trial people to see afterwards. This whole thing is through my HIV GP on Oxford St, rather a hike from my work on public transport (I did however manage to get 3 beers in between waiting for buses and appts). By the time I was out of there, got the blood pressure prescription at chemist across the road, and bus home, it was nearly bloody 7pm! 

Oh the sacrifices I make for modern medicine darlings! I mean FFS, the other week I got an ECG heart thing done for it, they had to shave patches of my chest hair to make some of the sticker things stick. I looked dreadfully ill for a couple of weeks there, like my fuckin chest hair had started falling out in patches. To embarrassed to go out anywhere looking like that. Eeck!

Today I got some good news, and some sort of "meh" news. It appears I have dangerously high BP! *gasp*..... whatever..... Just give me the pills to fix it ok? Meh....

The good news that after the blood they took and analysed, along with the question-air (that I again sacrificed my time to do on top of getting a patchy chest shave) I'm at very low risk of heart disease. Just fabulous darlings! Actually, I think it's more like another "meh" moment, but oh well, at least I'm avoiding total and catastrophic doom. BTW fuck knows how they come up with that strange bit of analysis. Perhaps because I don't smoke, or drink copiously anymore? *hick*

Have high cholesterol.... meh, whatever.... I am 48 you know. 

WTF do people expect me to have the blood pressure, cholesterol, liver functions, un-wrinkled skin, etc etc, of a bloody 17 year old bloke who hasn't even been infected with HIV? Sheesh! Whatever...... Just tell me when I have to do something to avoid hospital ok? Pretty much all I care about at the moment.

Lazy Sunday

I really should take a valium sometimes before I post! I do get annoyed though and at times I guess reasonably so.

Well it's Sunday, and I've had diarrhoea all weekend. Oh joy. Haven't got the money to go out anyway. Glad of just a quiet weekend. Cat woke me up early this morning though wanting to be feed. Bloody thing. Vet said it was fat so I had to put it on a diet. It has much more energy now, just from a short time eating less. I appears some of that energy is going in to waking me up to be feed.

It's a good cat though. Beautiful personality. Very loving. We got very close to each other last year. It would know when I was upset and sit next to me, or lie close on the bed. Have to say sometimes I do wonder whether the cat on occasion was the only thing that kept me here. Just couldn't bear the thought of it meowing at me and me, well, not responding. When even my own daughter had me in court it seemed like that cat was the only bit of family I had left. Funny how pets can become to mean so much to people. Often times I guess they treat us better than many people do.

Debating whether to get my next HIV blood test done before or after the trip to the country. It's been a fucked 3 months since the last one, the flu I had would have caused a spike in the viral load. Plus the bashing. Am not feeling so bad now though, perhaps the trip away will help my general well being. In that sense likely after I get back will get tested again. If it's going to be bad news I don't want to spoil a perfectly good excursion out of Sydney by worrying about it. Even if it is, a couple more weeks won't make any difference. If I have to start meds obviously I'll be wanting to be in a stable and predictable environment to get used to the pill taking regime.

Work is introducing a new clock in/out system at work in the next few months.It requires you to swipe the clock card through the reader, but also to put your finger on a thing that reads your fingerprints. Interesting technology I suppose, but already people are starting to protest about privacy concerns. No doubt the union will have something to say about it. I'm not worried about that as the cops already have my bloody prints! What I am concerned about though is the germ factor, ugh, there's over a hundred people who work on the site. What about flu germs and the like? I do have rather a unique problem with that. Am wondering if there may be exceptions to the fingerprint rule. Will look into it further.

"Making a choice"/lifestyle vs religion/rejection.

Warning! This post is going to get political. Don't read it if you're going to get stressed out.

Went to the pub earlier. There's a bloke that sometimes is there when I am. I've had many a conversation with him. Have told him much about my life as him me. Recently he was very out of character and seemed to invent an issue even more out of character, stating in his opinion that I was basically a hopeless parent way out of his parenting league being of course as hopeless as I supposedly was. Of course on that occasion I told him to get fucked.

Got to thinking about it tonight when there. Realised I guess that it was just his way of doing it; telling me to fuck off. You know, one of those gutless fuckwits who can't even have the bravery to tell you to fuck off simply because of your sex life. Neanderthal.

I was further insulted recently. It seems that my "lifestyle" decision means that I'm committing "sin". I assume that means that I'm well on the path to the imaginary hell that has been portrayed to me to actually exist. You know, that one that if you don't behave in a certain way, then evidently you will go to some very hot place and spend eternity having your skin burnt off over and over and over. (and over and over)...... (for eternity mind you).......

FFS!

OK, I'm not even going to go there. Other than simply to say the Bible is a book that should be taken as what it is; a book that describes the thoughts, feelings, social mores, hopes, and whatever else that existed in humanity regarding the Jewish population 2,000 years ago. It was not, was never meant to be, the final declaration of human morality. Human mortality evolves. Moral evolution didn't fuckin stop 2,000 years ago, in a society that knew nothing about ours today.

And so here am facing this, even within the secular society in which I live now in eastern Sydney; the 2nd highest per capita of gay people only to San Francisco. Rejected because of my sexuality; rejected yes because I had those feelings and decided to act on them. Rejected because some Christianity beliefs reject that as "sin". Yes, even in secular society, even as open as it is here, the hangover from the church is still ingrained.....

It still destroys friendships. And it still hurts those on the receiving end of that rejection. Yes, me. I'd be lying if I said it didn't hurt. I thought our society would have come a bit further than this by 2010.

Yes, I made a choice. I chose to be honest with myself going forward with life. As fate would have it (long story) I was faced with the choice to continue or to deny what I was feeling. How the fuck can that be a "sin"?

Weekend, rejuvination time.

Another Sat. I so welcome the weekends now (not that I didn't before). By the end of the working week it becomes a supreme effort to get out of bed when the alarm goes off at 6am. I've tried lately using the alarm clock instead of the mobile phone alarm, which is much better and less stressful when waking to the radio instead of an ear piercing alarm. Can sort of lie there in a catatonic state for a bit before the dreaded rising from the bed.

Then follows the pill taking ritual. Have a glass of water at the ready by the bed, sit there and proceed. The amount fluctuates as some are only a temporary course of something. But we have the regulars, 2 happy pills, 1 blood pressure, 1 pain pill (still for the knee but it's getting better), 1 anti-inflammatory (knee still), and last week was taking a stomach tablet for acid for 5 days (side effect of the finished Penicillin course). Then when I get to the kitchen I try to remember a vitamin C tablet, and a multivitamin. A total of 8 tablets just to start the day. And I'm not even on any HIV meds yet. 

It goes on. I usually need 2 or 3 more pain pills through the day at work (still much better than before) and another anti-inflammatory at night. Making 11 or 12 pills for the day. Ack, no wonder I feel a bit nauseous at times! Generally in the morning only though. With the extra stomach pill this week it seemed to affect everything else somehow. A few days at work in the mornings was feeling quite spaced out. Rather pleasant really, and entirely legal. 

So anyway when I finally get out of bed Sat morning I've usually slept 10-12 hours. Today I had a kitchen full of dishes to wash as just didn't have the energy to keep up with them through the week. The weeks laundry, the weeks rubbish in the bin, etc.  Everything else seems to take a back seat to simply getting to work and performing there.

Later today will wander down the road for a beer and chat with the locals at the pub. Am quite friendly with a couple there now. Those two even know I'm HIV positive. Dunno, seem to enjoy my company and I theirs. Just a way to get out of the house for a bit, no big piss up. 

Counting down to the country visit now. Am a bit scared as I haven't been out of Sydney for that long in years. Worried about the cat as we're very close don't want it to fret, getting daughter to mind it and give it attention.  And have this irrational fear thing of leaving the house for so long, I've found this place very protective on many occasions last 18 months. It has been a safe haven from the world outside, old fashioned double brick walls, small windows, quiet and separate from everything out there. When times have been too much, I've been able to retreat within it's walls and feel very safe.

Taking the PC, it's only a little notebook. Can't get online on it out there though, did  look into connecting wirelessly. But they're talking hundreds of $, weird equipment, even gov subsidies to help FFS! The Community Centre there has free internet, but I won't be stressing about it. Probably do me good to unchain myself from the net for a few days! Likely will just post something in Word and sort it out when I get home. I have found this posting stuff almost daily extremely helpful to my head. I will miss that being away from the net. 

Weekend.

Boss having his last day today at work, we all went to the pub for a few drinks.

I'll be sorry to see him go. He helped me very much last year. Shielded me from all the crap I might have got from higher up over my time off and all. He was the first one in the company I told of my positive status.

The weekend tomorrow. I plan to sleep about half of it I reckon!

Fantastically Boring!

OMG! It's been two days, yes two days, of a completely and utterly boring life! Mind bogglingly, numbingly, ecstatically, boring.

Nothing happened out of the ordinary! Nothing much happened at all, apart from the daily trudge of life. No dramas, no crisis, no nothing!

I don't know what to say at this point. One day is fantastic, but two? *faints*

So, in boring news:

*Yesterday the gym bloke at work convinced me to re-establish the gym programme he'd put me on for "general fitness". I dunno if I'm the only person he knows that is HIV+, but it appears he's on  a mission from god to make me his HIV accomplishment. I really don't care, my knee is pretty much better, but he appears to insist I go on with further mind numbing and boring exercises. These exercises appear to only have the result of building up muscles that I will never ever use unless I'm actually exercising on the exercise machines involved.

*Today my daughter paid off her mobile phone bill and rang me at work elated that she could now in  fact, make as well get phonecalls. I sounded appropriately bored with said accomplishment, as I really was bored. Another phone episode with her; she will just never learn.

*Work was boring beyond words.

*S rang before, but that wasn't boring and doesn't fit this post :)  It's only about 2 weeks before I have to grit my teeth on a small plane after years without flying. Am so very much looking forward to seeing him. . . . 

Stupid Bitch

She Apologised.

Not simply though.

I went to the union guy at work first today to ask his advice of what exactly I should do. Didn't want to over react. Or under react I suppose. Talked for about 15 minutes I guess, his view being that I should  politely tell her her comments weren't appreciated, and not to get involved at all in any argument that may follow. Just say my piece and let it go.

He's old and wise this union guy, near retirement. Works a machine in Print dept that few these days would know how to. He's a dying breed (ha! I guess a bit like me!). The machine is a thing in the old days they used to actually print things on (me looking at it now is beyond my comprehension). All it's used now is for very accurate perforating of 4 up A4 printed stock, and the very occasional scoring and dye-cutting. A trade lost in these post Howard days.

Anyway, I followed his advice.....

She apologised early on, but I didn't leave it there. I told her how I broke down a bit at the doctors the day before telling him about how I was supposed to "Get my act together". She apologised again and again; she of all people there after 11 years knows what I've fuckin been through.. Her only excuse being the pressure she was under without me there yesterday. To me that wasn't an excuse at all, but I did appreciate that she at least said sorry.

Again, I won't ever look at her the same, or have the same opinion of her, ever again. What she did hurt me much too much. 

And I guess I will always be wary now of people like her who give lip service to understanding what HIV is doing and means to me. She doesn't understand at all. After an 11 year working relationship, what a fuckin stupid bitch. 

"You have to get your act together"

Probably one of the most defining moments of the last 12 months.

Didn't to go to work again today. My stomach is still really aggravated by the Augmentin/Penicillin flu tablets (finished them last week). It's been keeping me awake at night since last Friday, feels like terrible indigestion. Tried a bit of breakfast this morning and nearly threw it up straight away, stomach cramps, ugh. Hurts badly. Texted supervisor still sick, told her to ring if she wanted. This is the one who gave me the fuckin flu in the first place coughing her guts up like Typhoid Mary, and is one of the few at work who actually knows I'm HIV+.

She rang half an hour later and read me the riot act. Said they were changing the pay system this week (which I knew) and that she wouldn't be able to cover for me anymore. (WTF?-I've never asked her to do that) Said they had no compassion in the office and they would look at my record, and just send me warning letters and fire me. 

WTF?-most of the time I've had off this year has been because of a work related knee injury, all written down and procedure-ised through OH&S for my recovery from it. I am still in fact on the companies insurance for it getting free meds and doctors visits as it's still not better.The time off for the broken ribs I took out of my own long service leave. Couple of weeks back I volunteered to have 2 days off out of my own holidays because it had gone very quiet in our dept and there was nothing for me to do. How is all this time off my fault?

And then she said it. "You have to get your act together".

Didn't think about it until a bit later. Went to my GP for a doctors cert for Friday and Monday, not that I'll get paid as I have no sick pay left, but just so there's no drama's about them in the office not believing me. My GP is closely related to my HIV treatment, with the medical centre there having much experience with it. Told him also I've been getting worried about my level of depression lately, and the story of what I copped on the phone earlier. 

Just all seemed to come to a head, broke down a bit. He was so nice, handed me tissues and hand on shoulder, said I'd been through a lot lately and with some breathing space now it was all catching up to me. Probably having a delayed reaction to the police beating. The "You have to get your act together" thing was just the last straw for the moment. What a ridiculous and callous thing to say. As if I haven't been trying for the last 12 months to do exactly that. This is from someone who supposedly cares about me.

An iconic statement. One that describes perfectly the lack of understanding and heartless disregard for people like me. The fact that it came from someone who's known me for 11 years and professes compassion makes the statement even more cutting. This is a landmark day for me. I'll never look at her the same again, or in fact people who's only knowledge of HIV is me. It has been a very hard lesson to learn.

So there it is. Now my job is under threat. Great. Just fuckin great...

Bewitched

It's the very early hours, after 4am. Tired but can't sleep. Dark and cold outside. Quiet, before the traffic starts for Monday morning workers, just the very occasional car passing by outside, a bus each hour. Cat asleep end of the bed, it likes the electric blanket. Too early for the birds even, won't start getting light yet for an hour and a half yet. Seems like the night is going on too long or something.

Have heard this sort of thing described before as the "bewitching hours". Can't even hear that background noise of traffic that usually is there; a white noise that sort of hovers over the city from everywhere in the distance.

Beginning of the working week shortly. Everyone busy, the city is like it wakes up. The buses go past outside my window a minute or two apart often. It's a main st, one of the busiest roads in Sydney. Strange when it's so quiet there now.

I do hope this week goes well.

Wondering where the depression started this time.

Been wondering why I got so down last few days. I know it's to be expected on occasions but it's still bugging me. Feelings of worthlessness and such, had to come from somewhere. Perhaps all the time off at work last few weeks contributed. The bad health both mentally and physically can easily get you down. Not the best condition to be having thoughts of self worth with.

I have been studying lately a bit about conservative views regarding gays. Perhaps it wasn't such a good idea. There is indeed some very vile stuff on the net as to who I am. Wondering if reading such things may also have contributed to my feeling rather low. It's beyond me how some can just be so hateful.

It's not a good place to be in obviously. It's almost like mental paralysis. Can't move forward, can't feel happy, just feel worthless and sad. Little wonder the suicide rate amongst gays and lesbians (particularly youth) far outstrips that in the general population. And then the haters point to said statistic as proof that same sex couples are evil and wrong to be like they are.

Not all bad though the researching. I did discover other more compassionate people, even within Christianity itself. It seems there are Christians who see no conflict with being Christian and gay. Who'd have thought? I was going to make a whole separate page here about this issue, but just don't want to turn the blog into a political site. Suffice to say that gay Christians assert the few passages there are in the Bible that are used to condemn us have been misinterpreted, especially in modern times: 

What the Bible says, and doesn't say, about gays.

With every thing else I've been through, I haven't considered really at all such attitudes by the haters of homosexuality. Just laughed it off, as it was literally a world away from me and quite irrelevant. When however you are confronted by online homophobia and out and out hatred, how the hell are you supposed to take that? It's worse than an insult as to who you are. It's a complete rejection of who you are, and any worth you have. Forget where I read it, have the link saved somewhere, but one of the comments by a nice web person was along the lines as to wondering how people could take a book like the Bible, all about a message of love, and turn it into a book of hate and condemnation. 

I count myself very lucky to be living where I am right now in Sydney, in a largely progressive and understanding society. It would be sheer hell being in a place where homophobia reigned supreme.

The Roller Coaster.

Well still here. I sometimes still have thoughts of suicide, but nothing like last year. Certainly not enough to act on, but certainly can't deny they still exist. It's just not all a bed of roses even when your head is saturated with happy pills. That yesterday was just me venting those feelings and thoughts. I learnt months ago it's better to put them out there than internalise them in the hope they'll just magically go away.

I guess have been through so much, have no idea the intricacies of the psychology involved. There will be times that I feel down for a few days, with seemingly no explanation for it. It's simply the consequences of a damaged head! 

I know that those thoughts yesterday would seem intense, perhaps even extreme, but in reality I was pretty much thinking like that nearly every day for around 6 months last year. It is indeed a wonder I made it through. One of the very best friends I've ever had last year didn't. She died in Feb. Given as I was feeling a lot like that even back then, I did understand why she did it.

The big difference between yesterday and last year is that yesterday they were just thoughts that I vented. Last year  I was ready and willing to act on them. Got to the point of measuring plastic bags over my head (I decided on the smaller ones as the bigger ones took too long and I didn't like that terrible suffocating feeling!). Or planning to get some heroine and OD (as I don't use it I'm sure a big blast of that would have been very effective). Today they're just thoughts in a down period. Scary and worrying thoughts, but still just thoughts.

Finally, over the years I've lost the fear of death. I know the ones who I've loved I'll meet again somewhere beyond the barrier of this life. And no I'm not religious at all. I won't ever die alone, as they will be there on the other side waiting for me. Such is the comparison at times between this life's shit and beyond the grave. Death to me isn't a horrible thing, but one of the experiences of life that can carry great beauty. It's a transition to another place.

But hey, not yet.....

Had Enough

No idea why I'm feeling like this right now. Think it may have been building up last few days. haven't gone to work last two days, just didn't want to get out of bed. Back to hiding in the house again.

Feel simply that I've had enough. Tired of struggling, tired of pain, tired of trying to keep going when I just don't feel like it. Would be easy just to end it. No more dramas, no more struggles, no more pain. Just the end...

I hope I feel better soon. It's been a while since I thought of suicide in such a cold matter of fact way; as just the solution to everything. But then again, I ask myself why would feeling better change anything? It's just an excuse to cop more of the same.

Yes, go on Peter. For what? More struggle, more pain, more shit.

Tonight I've just had it. There seems little point in bothering to go on. There are only so many times you can be clobbered.

Planet Positive day!

Quiet day today.And yes have calmed down a bit :)  I do get a bit carried away at times! Sheesh. *slaps face*

Thought about deleting yesterdays post but I dunno, don't want to censor myself. It happened, warts and all. That's what this blog is all about I guess. 

It's Planet Positive tonight! Yippey! I must remind myself not to drink too much,and eat beforehand, and all those type things. Oh fuck it! I'm just going to relax and enjoy myself. I'm getting better, the last one I only ended up a little bit over what I'd have liked. This I measure by the point I start not remembering anything. Last time it was just before I left so not too bad at all (although I was chucked out). At a different venue this time so I hope they won't have Nazi bouncers at this one.

No work, I got diarrhoea from the penicillin pills. Ugh, joy.

Dummy Spit.

Again, a few things on my mind tonight.

Many years ago I used to belong to a weirded out Pentecostal church. I studied at their Bible College in St Paul, Minnesota. The course gained recognition there by that state as legit. After 3 years of study I returned to New Zealand and for a very brief time was a licensed Minister in the United Pentecostal Church there. I left the church after about 6 months, the biggest reason being that I didn't like what it had turned me into.

I had become a judgmental, condemnative asshole, who had not the slightest compassion or feelings for those outside of my beliefs. Today I try to be empathetic to all. Well I do fail there but I do try, much better I guess. Likely my failures of late the result of my brain collapse last year and the necessity of actually considering myself first.

I looked up that church's site recently. They have chosen on their main site, under the subheading "Doctrine", second on the list, this fuckin condemnation about who I am now:

Inasmuch as some segments of liberal Christianity have expressed a willingness to accept the so-called “gay rights” movement as a legitimate lifestyle, and

Whereas the inerrant, inspired Word of God emphatically declares, in Romans chapter I, homosexuality to be vile, unclean, unnatural, unseemly, and an abomination in the sight of God, and

Whereas the United Pentecostal Church International is a fundamental Bible-believing organism entrusted with a divine destiny to provide spiritual direction to a wayward world,

Let us therefore resolve that the United Pentecostal Church International go on public record as absolutely opposed to homosexuality and condemn it as a moral decadence and sin, and do hereby encourage prayer for the deliverance of those enslaved by that satanic snare.

UPCI

Homosexuality 

Fuck, they quoted just one scripture to condemn us all.... I wonder if they have any idea what it's like to be on the receiving end of that sort of hatred, simply because of who I am. Fuck the church, fuck Christianity, if they're going to fuck me over like that. They can take their fuckin Bible and shove it up their fucking ass; given the experiences of fundamentalist Bible bashing preachers, they'd likely enjoy it.

I have a couple of old friends from my American Bible College days now viewing this blog (hi guys *waves*; will you ever email again after this post?). I have no idea how they can reconcile their beliefs, with me. The description above of me, makes me feel physically sick to read.

Anyway, enough of that shit. Tomorrow I'm off to Planet Positive. Given the thoughts above I will probably get a bit pissed (drunk).

I will also be making a new page about this on the right. Am currently researching thoughts and facts, when I start posting there it will be under construction and a work in progress.

Life is about risk..........

It's raining cats and dogs, it's nearly winter, it's cold (well - for Sydney) and dark outside. 8pm. There's lots on my mind tonight, doubt if I'll remember it all.

Didn't go to the group last night. Nearly did but started wondering what might happen if I sneezed or coughed and another of those very precious people got what I'm still getting over. Given my experience, someone with a more compromised immune system may well find it life threatening; I'd never fuckin forgive myself. I've still got a few days left on the penicillin course, and the weather last night was the same as tonight. I was coughing at home let alone being out. I myself at one point was considering hospital when I was really bad with it. Never mind, I will definitely go to the Planet Positive thing, and say goodbye to the guy that has been in charge there. I will be much better then. 

I'm sick of referring to my lover from the country as just that. I will now refer to him as "S". S and I were texting tonight and talking about the fakery that people get involved in with their pretend lives. The commercialism I guess of humanity, the role model put up by the media as to the way to be. S was talking about the plethora of muscley guys with tats on the gold coast, and how they were just full of fakery. I replied that they were lemmings following the piper. Too scared to assert themselves as actually themselves. What a tragedy.

I can think of nothing worse than pretending to be someone your are not. And the story goes that the Gold Coast in QLD has a lot of beats where such people go, well over-represented given the "straight" society that evidently is supposed to exist there. So, many guys are there in hiding, in the closet, looking beautiful muscley and tattood, yet they are in the toilets fucking each other. So terrible that they feel so much pressure from society and commercialism, to hide who they really are. I can't imagine living such a double life. It must be impossible.

Have nearly stopped taking all painkillers. It looks like things will be finalised shortly with the insurance company and work. OMG! My knee is nearly bloody better! Oh what a huge relief! It's taken 6 months, patience from both me and employer and Workcover. In all though it has worked. Over the moon about this now. Have avoided an operation, and through the systems in place have very slowly recovered. It was a very very bad injury BTW; a stress fracture in my knee from heavy lifting. It hurt like fucking hell. Although not as much as 2 broken ribs.

There was something on the telly this weekend. A 16 year old Oz girl getting back from sailing solo around the world:

Jessica comes home

Huge Sydney harbour welcome. Prime Minister there to greet her at the Opera House, and also the present Premier of NSW  Kristina Keneally. She said a few words that are very true:

Life is about risk, and if you don't risk, you will never win.

Back at work today.

A long day ahead. After work have an appt with the trial people of the blood pressure pills I've been put on. Then a bit after that is the monthly support group at the Positive Living Centre. I want to try and go to that this time even though it's a long day waking up at 6am, as one of the main guys in charge is leaving. He really helped last year.

So far very little pain, last few days cut right back on the tablets. Looked up the brand the doc gave me for my chest and it's actually penicillin.Certainly appears to be doing the trick. Wow, still can't believe how sick I got last week.

Phone call last night, he's back in Oz. Wow, can't believe how much I missed him.

So here I go, out the door and into the world. Lets hope I don't encounter any thug cops!

Breathing Space

It's like coming out of a long tunnel. A tunnel so narrow at times as to restrict breathing, and to progress through it required pushing along a few centimetres at a time.

That's what the last few weeks have felt like a bit. Looking back at some of what's written here, I can't even believe that this is me writing it at times. I mean, the police bashing for instance, what an incredibly strange and bizarre thing to happen to anyone, let alone me who was already struggling. And many of the other issues in the last few weeks..... I know I can be rather the drama queen, but FFS there has been a lot of stuff on my plate.

And it seems that the whole HIV thing has many many representations in my life. It has had a huge effect both mentally and physically. If not for writing it down like this I doubt very much I'd have noticed just how involved it has become with everything. It is part of even everyday life, as even without being sick the fatigue still reminds me it's there. On the weekends I often sleep up to 12 hours a night.

But for now at least the tunnel has opened up. Feel like I've come out into a much wider cavern I suppose. Room to move, breath. Room to enjoy life a bit instead of trying to survive it.

Pissed as a fart :-) :=) *hick* :-=)

G'day ladies and gentlemen!

I suppose about now I should provide a caveat darlings; I'm pissed (drunk) after coming back from the pub. (Um, what does "caveat" mean?) It appears I've spelt it right though, as it's not underlined with that dreadful squiggly line dearies that pretty much accuses you of horrifying crimes against humanity for not being able to spell right.

Not quite sure what to say now. I seem to be bumbling around the keyboard in a fit of bumblingness; can't hit the right key, have to go back and correct, bla bla. Lucky this is the net and I've done all of that before you see it eh? he he. Look at me darls, look at how well I can type! *coughs*

Where were we? Oh yeah: G'day ladies and gentlemen!

Do you like the new colours? War against beige and all that.

Whatever......

I appear to be gaining in health. It's been a long time since I was so off my face at the pub that my mates had to use the code. That is pretty much arranged by me beforehand, well months ago actually. It's a code that I have instructed my mates to say to me to get my attention and to reinforce the fact that I'm rambling in a rather obnoxious verbal way and to settle down as I'm pissed as a fart (drunk as a fart).

The code is "Shut the fuck up". I works fuckin tremendously! At the very least it gives my mates and the surrounding tables no less than a 15 minute break from my BS drunken ravings! (Although I think they're not entirely unhappy when I start raving again) :=)

In any case, it's been a while.... I take tonight's laughs as as barometer.

Fuck I miss him

Has been the shortest time. He will be back in Oz on Monday. To be out of contact like this, even for that, it's making me almost ache.

It's not some traditional relationship. I didn't even want a relationship. It's rather a recognition that we both have our own lives but also that we really love being together with each other. Both fine and happy for the other to have their fun in whatever way (it's great to hear the stories too!). 

It was intense and loving our times together so far. The closeness and depth of making love so much as to bring tears. Both of us after each days together left almost stunned by the experience, wondering where the fuck to go from here. I'm the last person to want any sort of closeness with anyone, yet we both ended up crashing through each other's walls and defences.

To end up crying helplessly at the beauty of the experience, holding each other tightly afterwards on the bed, to eventually fall asleep in each others arms for hours in the night, this is something I never expected to find again. Something inside changes in that sort of sexual depth. You end up bonded together in some way.

And so now I just miss him.

For anyone reading this who doesn't understand a same sex relationship, it's the same as a hetro one; we all have "one need in the night". Sexuality is irrelevant.

One love
One life
When it's one need
In the night
One love
We get to share it
Leaves you baby if you
Don't care for it

U2-"One".

Last sick day for a while I hope.

Feeling a bit strange today. 

Think it's because I'm not in contact with my country lover; he's off in New Zealand for a few days. Never realised too much, but we stay in contact nearly every day. Text a lot, ring at night. Feel sort of a bit lost and alone. *sniff* :(

Oh well, I guess I'll just have to go and have a few beers at the pub shortly!

Home from work again today. Back Monday for sure. Supervisor incredibly understanding about it. Told her I'd been rather scared of how the flu thing progressed, and that it was the sickest I'd been since becoming positive (well, apart from the sero-conversion). Won't get paid much at all next week, but have money coming from my Superannuation so no biggy. Shit happens, couldn't help it.

Email today from Positive Life. I do look forward to these. Once every three months. Really friendly people, really good people.

Unfortunately I do tend to ever so slightly have a little too much beer. Will have to watch myself this time. Last one was at a different venue and evidently I got chucked out (don't remember it). Was told it was surprising as all I was was a bit chatty FFS. Fuck what a nation of wimps we're turning into. It wasn't as if I was driving or being annoying to anyone. All you have to do these days is fart the wrong way and they're just about ready to throw you out.  

Sheesh! *slaps forehead*

Taking Stock.

Another day off work today. They let me go an hour early yesterday as I looked so fucked. Think starting to improve now though, just spent half the night coughing. Not a lot of grotesque horror movie type crap being coughed up today. Ack, that was really gross!

My direct supervisor at work knows I'm HIV+, which in this situation has been a huge help. Don't think she realised until I explained yesterday to her that getting a flu thing on top of HIV was not a good thing at all. Couple of other people at work have been really sick from it too, to the point of having 2 days off. I'm the only one to get this bad though. Today the 4th day off from it. 

Perhaps the fact that I'm not on any HIV medication as yet has contributed, I dunno. My actual blood results have all been very good though, CD4 count well over 500. Not even eligible for HIV meds unless it's below that. Immune system appears to be handling the HIV virus very well. But as I've said the HIV puts a huge load on it, and to add the flu on top of that can I guess quickly sends it's capabilities to full capacity.There is only so much even a healthy immune system can handle. 

It has made me look at things a bit differently this recent flu. In the past have been a bit cavalier about my bodies ability to cope. I even had got better from HepC on my own. I was a legend I joked! But in the end I do have to acknowledge that even as comparatively healthy as I am, I carry the HIV virus. This takes up a huge amount of my immune systems time and resources to deal with. I need to be much more aware of sickness's and the like, and much more proactive in looking after my body in the face of that. My body now needs quite a bit of help.

Well, I'm just a barrel of fun and games! Not only am I a mental case who needs mental support, so now my body needs support too! Oh joy! 

Doc pulls out the big guns :)

Well the doctor says my lungs are congested. Not surprising given the disgusting crap I've been coughing up and blowing out my nose. Ugh, too vile to describe. This is the worst cold/flu I've had since getting HIV. Have felt like shit for at least 2 weeks now.  Oh how very pleasant....

There is of course the temptation to over analyse, and to worry myself into a worse state! That said it has been a bit worrying as the thing itself slowly got worse and worse. In the past haven't needed much antibiotics and the like even when hit with a full on flu. Generally it just runs its course and that's it. This time however I was left wondering when the bottom was going to come. Immune system is bravely fighting on, however there does come a limit to it's capabilities even when healthy.

Been given strong antibiotics now. Doc has pulled out the big guns! Have to go to work today, got no sick days or holidays to draw on. I did want this year to be better with me as far as absenteeism from work went, as last year with my head the way it was I missed heaps. This year though my body is letting me down a bit. Rather disappointing. I guess it just comes with the territory now. 

OMG, what a small plane!

Eek! I've just been searching for the type of plane I'll be flying on next month out to the middle of nowhere!

 Cripes, looks a bit hairy on that little thing.

Getting sicker, slightly worried.

Getting sicker. Ugh. Starting to get me a bit down. Another day off work today, without pay. Just couldn't get up, takes about half an hour to cough up all the crap from overnight and get it out of my nose. Also noticed a couple of tiny cuts on my hand have been very slow to heal, getting infected and needing strong antiseptic. Quite unusual. Off to doctors later this afternoon, I imagine just another course of antibiotics. Slept nearly all morning, about 13 hours in all overnight. Still feeling a bit tired, just thought I should get up FFS!

Am starting to get a bit worried about this one, although I guess I could have been a bit more proactive about getting more meds for it. Likely it's nothing major, just a reminder that I do have HIV and it does take longer for me to recover from something relatively normal.

Haven't been well since the police beating. Immune system has been flat out I guess.  Have lost 2 kilos since then, just discovered on scales yesterday. Night before last massively vomited in the middle of the night, then a bit later massively other end. May have been not much at all, just that my bowels and stomach were having problems with digestion and the germs involved.

*Makes mental note* I really do need to be much more aware about taking better care of myself. It seems that a minor thing like a bad cold, if not looked after properly, can lead to other more serious complications.

Mothers Day

Well it's here. Pretty much just another day though. Often the build up to such days is worse than the day itself. Seems so in this case at least.

I always take a few moments to remember at the time of her death. It's like I'm back there with her then. This time though it wasn't a sad thing hardly at all. Simply a feeling within myself  that she wouldn't have wanted me to be sad.

And it is good to remember. Much better than trying to forget, well in this case at least. Dealing with the grief of her passing was one thing I did quite well. It was everything that came after that did my head in.

Something to look forward to.

Still sick. Stayed in bed until nearly 1pm. Coughing and dozing. Starting to lose my voice a bit. Will go for a few beers at pub later, just to get out of the house.

Got something to look forward to. Finally convinced by my country lover to go visit him in the far flung place where he is. Will actually be the furthest inland I've ever been here, they even have red dirt. Will be armed with camera and clean tourist type shoes.And a mental preparation to perhaps encounter the kind of political thinking that would have existed here in the city about the 1950's!

It does remind me of that quote from "Priscilla, Queen of the Desert" :

 Bernadette: [to Felicia] It's funny. We all sit around mindlessly slagging off that vile stink-hole of a city. But in its own strange way, it takes care of us. I don't know if that ugly wall of suburbia's been put there to stop them getting in, or us getting out.

Oh they can be such a rough mob out there. But other than that, only going for a few days. Flying up on Queens Birthday long weekend (how apt). About a month off yet. Going to the nearest airport, which is still a 3 hour drive away from his place. WTF? Good grief, I shall tremble in fear without the city to protect me! Fuck knows how I'm going to go in some little plane either, haven't flown in years.

That's Life

Feeling a bit better today.

Hasn't helped being sick. Two days off work, won't get paid for them as have nothing left to draw on re holidays or sick pay. Really been knocked around by this one. Got the flu shot so it can't be anything major like that. Just a different strain of something I suppose. Felt like had been hit by a bloody bus for days.

And I guess it's to be expected to feel down and all at this time of year, especially given this years circumstances. By no means some great crisis. Really should not panic about it, its simply life. Life does have it's ups and downs, that's just normal.

Will try and motivate myself to go out somewhere this Sunday. Anything would be better than mopping around the house all day.

Negative

Yeah well whatever....

It's bound to happen off and on. Not in a panic, just recognising my feelings.

Things are on top of me tonight. It happens. Have been trying very hard last few days, but hey, you can't win forever. Am not in a bad way, just down. Have had enough of this shit for a while. Let alone mothers day in 4 days.

Decided to get a mothers day card for my daughter and I this year, as the day she died falls exactly on mothers day this year. We'll write in it to where-ever she is beyond the grave. Put it by her picture or something. It's incredibly painful yes, but as it's the day she died it's better than trying to forget.

There's so many other things in my head this week too. Wouldn't even know where to start here.

It's one of those nights, probably to be followed by one of those days.

Have just had enough for the moment. Yet I have to go on. Have to live life, have to function in society, have to wear the mask. I don't want to. All I want for a few days is to be alone at home. Doors and windows locked. Curtains pulled shut.

It's hurting. The past is hurting. It's all hurting. Just want to hide for a bit, be safe, not have to do anything. 

Getting sick on top of HIV

It's finally happened. I have HIV and now I have some sort of flu on top of it. I have no sick days, no holidays, nothing left at work to take. So I had to go in just to be paid.

I did however have the Panadene Forte, of which I took two on getting up. Proceeding to take more through the day to stop the muscle aches and all. Apart from having my eyes half closed for most of the day it appears I got through it OK.

It is scary though. I doubt this is anything like a full on flu, but it's really knocking me around. Cried very briefly this morning trying to get organised, everything just hurt so bad. Not long after that I was saved by the pain pills. Also scary having to rely on them just to get through a day.

Being sick as well as HIV, means that the body which is already flat out fighting the HIV virus also has to fight another virus. Something even as small as a cold can lead to a spike in the HIV viral load. In other words a double whammy.

A new pill for me!

Well it's nothing extravagant. I'm taking part in a trial of a fairly new high blood pressure pill, so that the health system here will be able to inform doctors who don't know about it exactly the method of treatment in varying situations. Am joining about 100 people already on the trial. The drug has been here for about 5 years they tell me but few doctors know about it, despite the fact it has been very successful overseas. The visits to the doctor, the trial people, and all tests are free. As well as the first months pills, after which they're on the PBS already anyway. It will be only one pill instead of the 2 I take now. Save about $25 I suppose. The first month a $50 saving as 2 prescriptions being replaced for free.

They were all very thankful for my participation. The first time I've ever done anything like this in fact. Am very happy however to give back however possible after receiving so much care and attention off the system here.

Just as an aside, last year in the intensely suicidal period, I always kept taking the blood pressure pills. I thought that was hilarious even at the time; that I evidently thought that if I was going to top myself I should do the right thing and die with my blood pressure under control. WTF? Likely it was because I only had half a functioning brain at the time that was completely unable to think logically. In hindsight I may have simply stopped taking them, loaded myself up with hamburgers and chips full of salt and fat day after day, and waited for the moment when my head would explode in a stroke so powerful as to leave a blooded mess all over the place worthy of a scene from "Alien".

Alas though darlings, my mind was inept at the time. Lucky for me.

(*ha ha ha ha............*)

PS. My humour at times can be very dark. It does help :)

Staying above the pain

Am skirting it right now. Keeping away. Doing anything I know how to stay away. I know the monster is there. I know the monster may use any opportunity to rear it's head. Yes I know only too well. We're very well acquainted this monster and I. Well beyond the niceties of introductions. 

Have been looking around on the net for images, something that might portray this monster. There are quite a few in fact. I will shortly make a separate page to put all the images on that I deem expressive of such. For now here are just the odd one or two:

The primordial scream as the waves of pain role over you. The blanket of feelings that blocks you from the future. The wall with no future.

The scream is just the beginning. The wall the blockade. Life becomes a nightmare. One worth ending.

This is what I face. This is the battle of my life. I don't now want it to end, but I still face this pain.

It's always there lurking in the background. It never ever ever goes. All I can do is try to separate myself from it. It's the only way.