The Roller Coaster.

Well still here. I sometimes still have thoughts of suicide, but nothing like last year. Certainly not enough to act on, but certainly can't deny they still exist. It's just not all a bed of roses even when your head is saturated with happy pills. That yesterday was just me venting those feelings and thoughts. I learnt months ago it's better to put them out there than internalise them in the hope they'll just magically go away.

I guess have been through so much, have no idea the intricacies of the psychology involved. There will be times that I feel down for a few days, with seemingly no explanation for it. It's simply the consequences of a damaged head! 

I know that those thoughts yesterday would seem intense, perhaps even extreme, but in reality I was pretty much thinking like that nearly every day for around 6 months last year. It is indeed a wonder I made it through. One of the very best friends I've ever had last year didn't. She died in Feb. Given as I was feeling a lot like that even back then, I did understand why she did it.

The big difference between yesterday and last year is that yesterday they were just thoughts that I vented. Last year  I was ready and willing to act on them. Got to the point of measuring plastic bags over my head (I decided on the smaller ones as the bigger ones took too long and I didn't like that terrible suffocating feeling!). Or planning to get some heroine and OD (as I don't use it I'm sure a big blast of that would have been very effective). Today they're just thoughts in a down period. Scary and worrying thoughts, but still just thoughts.

Finally, over the years I've lost the fear of death. I know the ones who I've loved I'll meet again somewhere beyond the barrier of this life. And no I'm not religious at all. I won't ever die alone, as they will be there on the other side waiting for me. Such is the comparison at times between this life's shit and beyond the grave. Death to me isn't a horrible thing, but one of the experiences of life that can carry great beauty. It's a transition to another place.

But hey, not yet.....