11 hours sleep

Went to work today on time. Bed last night at 7pm, and pretty much solid sleep until 6am. Felt much better today than yesterday. If I have got my daughters flu/cold then I don't seem to be doing too badly with it. Been taking the Panadol and nothing else for the aching muscles.

The agreement that we nearly went on strike for has finally been OK'd by Fair Work Australia, and is now a legally binding document. We will get the 4% pay rise and back pay of it from Jan (24 weeks) shortly. Probably next week. The back pay will all go on my debts, but that's good. Is quiet at work right now with the end of the financial year, although I myself have plenty to keep going with. 

Didn't hear from Simon last night as I fell asleep early and texted him so. Just don't know exactly what to do from here about him. Keeping in touch and all. But with the differences we have regarding life and where we live, I doubt it's going to work out much beyond being distant fuck buddies who love each other and see each other now and then. Disappointing, but hey, that's life isn't it. Can't have everything you want.

Seen better days

OMG what a day of tribulations! I nearly didn't go to work again as felt so bad physically. Just couldn't wake up. Seemed impossible. Think I have the cold/flu virus my daughter had two days off work with last week. Aching all over, pounding headache, dizzy even and light headed. Went to work an hour late, trying to give the thing a go. Lasted the day after that but oh fuck it's looking pretty doubtful for tomorrow. It was really hard going today. Aching back muscles not good for the usual lifting. Will see how I feel in the morning.

These days off are getting expensive again. They're all legit, all official with certificates and all when necessary, but as there's no sick pay left for now it's all mostly unpaid. I forced myself to go today, although late. Simply because I can't afford the time off without pay, even though I am sick. Really shouldn't have gone I reckon. Was dizzy and all. When I got there the knife needed changing; a half hour guillotine thing with a knife over a metre long.

Going to bed real early, and chucking something on the stove for dinner quickly. Ack, have had better days than this!

Romantic Tragic

Went yesterday afternoon to the psych appt. It was a nice day in Sydney, cool but not overly so. I left a bit early to avoid the public transport crush of school kids at 3pm, and had a couple of quiet beers at the Oxford hotel. Sitting out on the balcony took a picture or two, and after I left just near. A relaxing time.

Went to appt and discussed my dramatic weekend episode. The view being that I'm missing Simon, and had sort of a reaction to him leaving. We discussed openly how suicide had been an option in my head for so long, that it's natural that when I get into such a frame of mine my head will naturally go to a solution such as that. He wants me to go back next Monday because of such strong suicidal thoughts happening again.

Am feeling a bit better today. Went to work, although just until 1pm as had to leave for the Infectious Diseases appt. Gave them the cert that work has been having a spastic about me giving on days next to the weekend I'm off, got one off the psychologist. Had to ask my immediate supervisor though about it as it was written on stationary from the centre with HIV/AIDS and all on it. Asked who sees these certificates? They said to just cut off the top and bottom bits, everything else was there.

Went to the ID thing and lo and behold the concern was not over my HIV viral load, but that the syphilis antibodies (yes I've had it, the cure being a big injection in each ass cheek) had increased. This could be either a small variation in antibody levels meaning absolutely nothing, or that I may have been reinfected. If you're sexually active with a lot of partners syphilis is pretty hard to avoid. You can get it from oral sex for example. So I guess they're doing they're job and keeping an eye on such things for me. No biggie if I have it again, meh, what's a bit of syphilis when you've got HIV? Couple more big injections, whatever. 

I asked about the fatigue that seems to be such an issue. Being that I was on dialysis it's accepted that for about 6 months after it at least you're fucked and still recovering. Perhaps I'm just being impatient.

Turn for the worse

Dunno why, but started feeling very bad last night. Have no idea what's triggered it. Today I go to the psychologist, which has turned out to be excellent timing this time.

The thoughts of suicide were very strong. The world around me became utterly meaningless, almost absurd. Like somehow I became disconnected from it. I was wondering "what's the point of living?", I mean seriously. Is it so I can go on struggling with shit? Fending off the past? Running from shadows? Plodding on through this life of absurdity? It's not like I haven't lived. I've done rather a lot in my life.

Like I said I don't know WTF bought all this on. It seemed out of the blue, almost like some sort of mental attack that went on for a couple of hours. Episodes like that are a bit scary when they happen, as it probably wouldn't take much in a state of mind like that to be pushed over the edge. No more struggle, no more pain, no more anything.....

Feeling a bit better this morning. Listened to some music last night in bed for a bit to try and get my mind off it. Stayed home from work, just couldn't face it. Told them I had an appt with my psychologist today that I'd forgotten to tell them about (all true). And it'd been 2 months since I last saw him and I better see him this time. I just omitted to say the appt wasn't until 4pm. Oh well so what? I really couldn't face work today after such an episode like that only hours ago. One of those days of staying in the house, doors and windows shut, away from the world.

It seems like it's never going to be over, this struggle with depression and suicide. I'd been going so well before this, then bam right out of left field the abyss opens.

Simon rang last night to chat, I didn't say anything to him about this though. Don't want to worry him. Besides, what would he say? It may just make him feel a bit helpless not being able to make things right for me. Better I think to talk to the professionals about it. I'll chat to Simon about it in due course, after it's been addressed by the brain-ologist. 

HIV mag goes online

In my email this week (finally checked it yesterday) there was the latest one from Positive Life. In it was a link to the Talkabout magazine, which has just been made available online. I've looked for it before but to no avail. All they had was the odd article from it. This however is cover to cover, in either a browser (the wonders of internet animation) or PDF download. This the cover of the first full issue online:

 (click to enlarge)

And the link:

Talkabout Magazine online

It can be a bit hard to come by otherwise. I live a bit away from Darlinghurst and Surry hills, and there's no place around here that has it available. It's worth a look even though a lot of the material is local, as they often have some very good articles in it. It's specifically to do with HIV issues. 

Having a very quiet weekend. Went to bed early last night at 6pm with a headache, had had it all day and was getting worse. That one I get sometimes on the right side of my head, sort of migraine-ish but nowhere near as bad as a full blown migraine. Does wear you down after a day of it though, even makes me feel nauseous and not much like eating. Managed to eat a reasonable dinner of meat and potatoes though. Took a couple of Panadole and went to bed. Simon rang at 8 to say hi, and I was so asleep it took me a while to realise that the dreadful annoying noise I was hearing was the phone next to the bed. Needless to say it wasn't a very inspiring conversation from me at the time.

Went back to sleep again, cat luxuriating on the other side from the electric blanket. I leave the other side on too as I toss and turn a lot sometimes and use the whole bed. Cat has obviously realised this and plonks itself there every night now. I don't mind it's nice I think, better than sleeping alone.

Got woken up again at about 2am, daughter came home from being out Sat night with some friends, and they were all talking loudly in her room next door. Texted her to keep it down please, which they did. She's understanding like that, texted back "sorry dad". She seems acutely aware of my HIV and my need for decent sleep. Even things like if she gets a cold she worries about giving it to me. I just say, "well if I get it I get it". That's life really. Can't live in a cocoon. In fact the odd cold or two might be a good thing to keep my immunity up for such things. Given that my CD4 count is so high (still can't believe that result of 660) a cold isn't going to be that much of a crisis I wouldn't expect. 

A bit hard to get back to sleep after that so listened to some music for a while, just got a new MP3 player after my old one carked it. Amazing what they have now. The thing is tiny, and holds 4 gigs. The first computer I bought ages ago had only a one gig hard drive. The sound is incredible, it has some program in it to make it so, can't believe such a big sound can come from something so small. Was just under $70, much cheaper than getting one of those rip off Ipod things. Anyway got back to sleep after about an hour.

Daughter changes direction

The working week has come to an end. I worked every day this week, shit it's becoming a bit of a habit now. Can't have that! What has led me into this spurt of enthusiasm I wonder. Probably more like just putting one foot in front of the other. The two casuals they got in (including the afternoon shift guy on my machine) both had their last week there. The main job they were employed for is finished, and we've actually caught up with the Print room. They had the 4 colour machine down all week getting new rollers put in it, so there wasn't much coming out of there. It still took two shifts on my machine and the Print flagship down all week for us to catch up though. Next week I'm back on my own there, so will just have to see how it all goes again. 

Haven't been hardly drinking at all this week. Couple of beers at a different pub on the way home from work was about it. Think I was getting back into the drinking habit a bit when Simon was here. It's always better when you have someone to drink with. Usually I get very happy when pissed, but one occasion the other day got into a political argument at the local pub. Wasn't impressed with myself as I've got enough fuckin problems without getting pissed off about politics. As I'm a leftie, pretty well all politics in this day and age pisses me off. Thought I better cut back on the beer after that. 

Have been coming home, making dinner, having hot bath, then bed at about 7:30pm. Wow, what a rager I've become. It makes it much easier to get up in the mornings though, and I generally do sleep that whole time between about 8pm and 6am. I appear to be needing about 10 hours of sleep a night. Understandable with work and my immune system battling it's ass off. Most of the time the cat wakes me up, this last week has been nearly every day just before the alarm goes off. It sits there near my head and meows softly. Dunno how it knows the time every day.

Daughter has decided to stop smoking dope. Just like that, right of her own accord. She even went grocery shopping after getting paid the other day, nearly fainted when I saw it all. Maybe she's finally realised that if you spend all your money on dope then you don't have anything to eat. I was getting a bit concerned about the amount she was smoking, I mean they'd have sessions in her room and the smell would be coming under the door. But of course I couldn't say anything, I mean WTF would I know? Me, who has tried just about every illegal drug there is. She knows everything of course. I can't tell her shit. If you ever need to know something, just ask a 20 year old, because they know everything.

I wonder if she's got that trait from me; being able to just stop taking drugs at will. I know everyone is different, but I guess I'm one of the lucky ones who's been able to do that. Needles, pipes, bongs, smokes, lines, have done it all. Have always been able to pull up though when I feel it's getting out of hand. Yet I've seen others who's lives have been destroyed by drugs, they just can't stop. Bloke I knew a while back had a good job, nice car, everything OK. And he lost the lot smoking Ice from a pipe, not even blasting with a needle. It would be good if my daughter had the same sort of power over her situation as I've had. It really is up to the individual. You have to really want to stop. I've have been impressed by the change in her this last week. She's done that, pulled up with it, and changed direction. She lost a good friend out of it too, who didn't want to stop. That shows courage and strong willpower, I'm impressed.

Will there ever be a day?

I was going to make this post about other things. Like my daughter stopping smoking dope off her own bat. Or more thoughts about Simon and I. But when I turned on the computer I noticed this news article, and it made me cry:

A Melbourne man who dropped an 8kg concrete platypus on his gay housemate as he beat him to death has been found guilty for a second time of murder.

Aaron James Johnstone, 29, "lost it" after his drunk and naked housemate Phillip Higgins, 46, propositioned him in September 2006.
Johnstone told police he kicked and punched Mr Higgins before dropping the platypus statue on him.
He also bashed the slightly built disability pensioner with an office chair.
Johnstone had pleaded not guilty to murder in the Victorian Supreme Court but a jury took less than a day to find him guilty.
It is the second time he has been convicted of murdering Mr Higgins.
In 2008, Johnstone was jailed 18 years with a minimum of 14 for the murder.
In March, the Victorian Court of Appeal ordered a retrial after it found errors in directions given to the jury.
As the jury foreman announced the latest verdict, Johnstone closed his eyes and shook his head slightly.
Mr Higgins, who was openly gay, was found lying dead on the floor of their Seaford home with a pair of underpants beside him.
He had a blood alcohol concentration of between 0.32 and 0.37 per cent when he died.
The jury heard Mr Higgins' sexual preference was well known to Johnstone, who had been his friend for years and had been propositioned by him in the past.
In his opening address to the jury, prosecutor Mark Rochford, SC, said Johnstone carried out a sustained attack on Mr Higgins.
Mr Higgins suffered injuries including a fractured bone in the neck and cuts and bruises to the head, he said.
Mr Rochford said in Johnstone's record of interview he told police Mr Higgins had come out of the bedroom and said he would like to have oral sex with him.
At that point Johnstone told police he "lost it", hitting and kicking Mr Higgins.
He said he then dropped the statue on Mr Higgins.
Johnstone's barrister, John Desmond, said in his opening address that although he did not dispute his client's actions caused the death of Mr Higgins, he did not intend to kill him.
Johnstone will face a pre-sentence hearing before Justice Robert Osborn next Tuesday.

Murder gay flatmate

Quite apart from the politics and all the hatred that springs forth from that, or the general thinking amongst hetro's in regard to us gays, there is this case which involves a couple of blokes in a flatting situation, and at a very personal level. OK so the gay bloke was blind drunk. But if that had of been a girl acting like that to the straight guy, would he have beaten her to death?

What was driving him to kill this bloke? His own latent homosexuality? The horror he might have felt about that, given society's pressures? Why did he "lose it"? 

As I said, quite apart from all the politics and religious hatred, at a personal level like that....... Will there ever be a day when we aren't hated so much that a simple sexual proposition is a catalyst to be murdered for it, even if we're blind drunk and have no idea WTF we might be doing?

Will there ever be a day when society doesn't breed hatred for us in other people, from birth.

Will there ever be a day when being gay is no more of a thing than having a certain skin colour, or hair colour?

Will there ever be a day when we're simply accepted for who we are?

Fuck buddies?

Feeling better today emotionally. Whatever happens with Simon, I'll survive. That's what I am, a survivor. Cat with 9 lives. If I jumped off a building I'd probably fuckin bounce.

He's arrived back in Lightning Ridge, his dog is fine, and it was a lovely warm day up there today. In Sydney it was bitterly cold. They will have a cold night inland though, much colder than here. He has a potbelly fireplace though that heats up the place wonderfully. I was very good at keeping it going when I was there last year. Enough to be dubbed the "fire stoker", of which I decided that stoking the fires of hell would be much more pleasant than floating around on clouds strumming harps.

I'm sure I'll miss him again as before, as he will me. But hey, life is life. I will get on with my world here as he will up there. I so much appreciate the time we had together down here in Sydney, and the continued development of our relationship, particularly sexually. It's one thing to talk about it, but another to actually do it. 

We did it, and we became closer for it. So much for the moral thought police who would deny us such an experience. It didn't drive us apart in any way. Casual sex with others was somehow a turn on; the close sexual aftermath at home in my bed, of which continues to this day. We both like that sort of sex, both understand each other completely with it, and it has lead to another level in the relationship.

Dunno how exactly I would describe our relationship. "Lover fuck buddies perhaps"?

Will it ever work?

Feeling a bit lost today. Simon left early this morning, and texting now and then from where he was on the trip. He spent last night here. We didn't fuck, apart from the fact that we'd both been at the pub and I was tired after work, I think we were both a bit sexed out after all that we had when he was here. So he got all his stuff together and left just after 6am this morning. 

Had a long talk with him the other day about where we were going with all of this. He just can't understand why I don't want to fuck off Sydney, along with my job, and launch out into the wild blue yonder. He himself is restless. He wants to go and do something, whatever that means. 

He asserted that I'd not done much in my life, but I disagreed saying that just because I'd not traveled as much as him didn't mean I'd done nothing. He asserted also that "I should be happy" and had no idea why I might still get moody and down. I told him don't worry about it and the moods will pass, and it's pretty much my whole life that makes me moody at times. You just can't switch off that.

Am starting to wonder if this is ever going to work out. He obviously doesn't want to live with me in Sydney, even though he said that earlier. And I just don't want to throw everything I've got in Sydney away. I need the support, I need the medical professionalism, and I even need my job here. Leaving Sydney would mean I'd have to declare bankruptcy re my debt and ruin my credit. You just don't earn much in the country here.

But I fuckin love him. Fuck. ....

 I didn't stop loving my wife over life's hassles. ....

Back to work Monday

Cat has a clean bill of health. Got it's F3 vaccination and they gave it a worming tablet as well. Dunno if it was needed but I didn't see any reason why not. It does ponce around outside a bit. No fleas or anything, but she scratches a lot, likely a reaction to the flea stuff I used a while back. Of course she meowed like something out of The Exorcist on the way in the car. She hates cars. 

Simon is going to the Opera House this afternoon to see a show there. Not my cup of tea so giving it a miss, looks OK but don't think I'd want to pay $60 to see it. Called the "Havana Rakatan", and advertised as a "Cuban Dance Spectacular".

Havana Rakatan 

We're meeting a a pub Near Oxford st for a bit of a beer and then back home. I'm not wanting to stay out any late time as it's work in the morning. Better go after missing Friday. My name will be mud I suppose, with questions about why the fuck I didn't get in and didn't get a doctors cert. Supposed to have one if it's a day up against the weekend, but as I won't be getting paid for it I didn't see the point of bothering. Plus now I'm working again I have to pay $75 up front to see my GP, and then get the $35 cash back from Medicare afterwards. So it's not cheap just to go in there to get a cert for a work day off that I'm not even getting paid for anyway. 

But I will arrive there tomorrow morning all bright eyed, shaved, clean undies, ready to do it for the Capitalist machine! Oh happy days! Oh the joy of being a cog in a blundering lurching machine.

No appts next week apart from the dentist. He's putting the crown on that they got everything ready for the last appt. I'm not into cross dressing but being crowned sounds absolutely marvelous. 

Simon and I are both a bit tired. We went out Friday night as well. By Sat night all we wanted was a quiet night in. And I can't, as I mentioned, have a big one on Sunday night.

Moody

The cat has an appt with the vet today for it's yearly checkup. Nothing big, some vaccination they give her and a general check. Have done it every year when they send the reminder letters so I don't see any reason to stop now. Costs about $80. Last year they said she was very healthy, but her teeth may be a problem in the future, so I had to buy special cat biscuits for teeth. And she was a bit overweight. She doesn't get a hell of a lot of exercise, but I did cut down on her cat biscuits. 

Simon is stopping by to take her in the car. Last year I walked her around, it's not far, in her little cage thing. It's the same vet where I bought her from as a kitten, and the people there a interested to see how one of their cats is going living locally. Getting her there walking though, she didn't feel heavy at first, but fuck felt like my arm was going to drop off by the time I got there. Appreciate the ride in the car this time.

Have said before I dunno where I'd be now without that cat. She's the most affectionate and loving cat I've ever known. Strange as it seems, sometimes I wonder if at times the cat was the only thing that kept me here. The thought of the poor thing meowing over my dead body was a bit much to take.

In a bit of a funny mood the last few days. With work especially it's been a bit strange. Seem to go from making the big effort to not giving a fuck. Not sure if it's depression, perhaps more like a sour mood. Simon picked up on it yesterday, thought I had the shits with him about something. Explained that no, I was just in a sort of strange quiet mood. Reserved. Not talkative. Almost brooding. Don't think I'd have realised had Simon not mentioned it.

Suppose it's nothing. See the head doctor (psychologist) in a couple of weeks, so maybe he'll come out with some gem of psycho analysis to explain my mood.

CD4 count 660

Needless to say, I've had today off work. Oh well, shit happens. Yes in the perfect world I'd not have gotten rather pissed last night, or had a few puffs of dope. But alas the world is far from perfect. OK I've missed work again and may be a bit short on money next week, but for a while there I was able to forget about everything and just be happy. 

And fuck me the rain has ended and the sun is out! I'd almost forgotten what it was like to have sunlight without clouds and rain. It's so bright. Am doing a bit of washing, and the cat is outside sitting in the bright sun. 

 She just sits there sometimes watching me hanging the washing on the line. That's a little garden the neighbour has planted outside my back door, herbs and stuff. A bit overgrown with weeds at the moment after 2 weeks of rain. It seems to be going very well otherwise. The cat shits and pisses in it so I guess that helps.

Got some interesting news off the HIV team as I emailed them asking why I was to come in early, and what the results of the last bloods were. CD4 count is at 660, cripes I nearly fainted, replied asking if that was a typo but it wasn't. Fuck I'm not even on medication. The viral load has showed an increase however and that's why they want to take more blood.

I'm surprised about how high the CD4 count is. Has never been that high when not on meds. I have been having blueberries as a blog reader has told me of his experiences with CD4 count and the blueberry thing. They're out of season here but you can get them all year round as they sell them frozen in the supermarket too. I noticed also the other day in the health food shop (Simon was dragging me around looking for magic cures) they had blueberry juice, that you would mix up into a drink. It's supposed to be some sort of "super food" as they say. There may actually be something to eating them that has a direct effect on the CD4 count. I can't think of any other reason my count would be so high.

:S

I'm fuckin smashed right now.

I was set off after work stranded there from the fucked up service there. Spent fuckin 40 minutes after work stranded at this fucked up area. The fuckin bus was 20 mins late, nearly the next bus was due. I spat the fuckin dummy at this bus driver. He said nothing, but appeared to know what I said. But said nothing. 

I made sure I didn't say "fuck" to him at any time. I did however made my displeasure known in a very short and concise way. At that moment, darlings, I entered the bus and stuffed my "unlimited for a week" card into the reader. We glared at each other. I spewed internally, as I'm sure he did too. 

I decided to go to Maroubra Junction, as I was already half an hour late for the Pagewood's pub happy hour. Fuck this hassle was fuckin pissing me off. Went and got a beer and had it reading a stray newspaper in the pub. 

Short story shorter. I got home pissed (fuckin inebriated man). Had a smoke to. 

Think I give a miss work tomorrow. Dunno. It's not the sort of job that even if I fucked up the night before I'd not like to go in the day after. We don't have drug tests or anything, and I don't particularly care what some fuckwit in the office decides: anything at all.

The worry for me would be an actual concern on my own part that I be operating a machine like I do, and if I know I'm not capable to do it safely. I used to do it smashed off my head after 1 cone and 4 schooners in the half hour lunch break (of which I'd been the driver of the half hour "pub mobile". But I'm a lot older now, and I don't want to drink or smoke to excess. But if it does happen, hey, so fuckin what.

The body's voice

Stayed home today. Woke up with the alarm and just couldn't will myself out of bed. Although I slept OK felt like I needed more rest. The two days of diarrhea has left me a bit weak. Feeling better this morning, but decided to give work a miss. Everything's under control there so no biggie.

Felt a bit guilty at first, as I really could have gone to work if I'd made the effort. I didn't seem to be able to make the effort though. Everyone is getting minor colds and sneezing a lot there from this dreadful weather. Looked out the bedroom window this morning and it was almost still dark even though the sun was up. Not a good day to get out and about with a weakened immune system. 

Got an email from one of the blog readers talking about the fatigue issues. It's very good to get feedback from a reader sometimes as they can see things I don't. Made me think about just how much the fatigue issues are a part of life. The tiredness is there every day. Every day I have to deal with it. It can affect the ability to think clearly and deal with everyday problems. I myself sometimes forget my body's limitations. 

The only answer I guess is to go back on medication, but as I've mentioned the doctors wanted to give that a rest for the sake of the kidneys. Fuck, it's all gotten so complicated! I never thought taking meds would have ended up with all this fuckin drama. I would've delayed starting them in the first place had I have known there were so many things that could go wrong with them. But on the other hand, at least I now know Travada is off limits.

A bad night

Had a bad night last night. Indigestion for some reason. Was awake a lot with stomach pains, and slept badly. Nightmares when I actually did sleep. Nearly didn't go to work but once I got up thought better of staying home. Tired all day. Have had the runs for 2 days now, feeling a bit dehydrated and weak from it. Oh fuckin happy days. 

Am a bit worried about it. Hope it has nothing to do with the kidneys. Haven't had indigestion like this for a while. Hoping it's just the wrong sort of food has upset my stomach and nothing more than that. May email the HIV doctors at the hospital to ask why exactly they want me back a month early for more blood tests.

Thinking about taking tomorrow off if I have another fucked up sleep like last night. Have caught up at work with the Print room, the afternoon shift bloke made a big difference, and two printers off last week as well. Simon has been understanding about the fatigue of late, after I reminded him that I'm not taking HIV meds and it puts a strain on my body. He was around tonight and we had some dinner here. Someone is taking over the house sitting this weekend and he goes back to the country on Monday I think.

Still cold and raining in Sydney. Quite stormy today, with horizontal rain. They're predicting torrential rain tomorrow. Never seen such a long spell of foul weather like this here. Usually a day or two, but not a whole week or more. Simon I think will be happy to get back to Lightning Ridge away from it all. Has been like this his whole stay here. Joked with him today that he'd be having a big Sydney bashing conversation up there with his mates.

Immensely tired

Long weekend here. Queens birthday. Dunno how old she is, but I'm sure the old bird is just about fossilized. Dunno WTF they're going to do if Camila ends up as the next Queen, fuck you couldn't put that head on a coin. Her horse would be a better option. It's better looking. Gives me a chance to rest more I suppose, was very good sleeping in this morning. Still raining and cold in Sydney. 

Have been a bit concerned about the fatigue issue of late. This weekend particularly I've been immensely tired. Simon has been surprised at how early I've been going to bed.
And all I need is one late night, or one night where I don't sleep well (like indigestion) and for the next couple of days I'm exhausted. 

It's a difficult thing to get through to people sometimes the whole tiredness thing. Particularly as I look completely healthy otherwise. There's nothing at all visually that would indicate I'm HIV+. I wonder if Simon and others as well sometimes forget. I mean going to bed at about 7:30-8:00pm every night isn't exactly normal. But I often find I'm so tired by that time, especially after working all day, that I just don't have a choice. It's either bed or fall asleep in the chair.

Of course there are other things that make me tired, not just the HIV. I mean my job would make anyone tired, even a healthy 30 year old at the prime of his life. Or even this weather we've been having in Sydney for days now; it's been pouring rain and cold, and I think I heard somewhere that your body uses more energy to stay warm when it's cold. Then there's my age, 49 now, no spring chicken. So there are other factors, but I guess adding HIV on top of it all can make the fatigue that much more.

Am also finding myself a bit worried as to why they called me in early for more blood tests. Am I tired because something else has gone wrong with my kidneys? At least I can assume there's nothing majorly wrong, as the appt was made for the end of this month and not particularly soon.

The sauna and the sling

I was a bit nervous for some reason. Had never been like that before with the thought of Simon and I going to a sauna together, but this time almost had butterflies in my stomach. We went to the Oxford pub for a couple of drinks, and after that the nerves were much less. Decided on a nearer one than what we'd planned, as that one was way down on Sussex st and a fair walk from the pub, the weather still cold and raining in Sydney. Kingsteam has a wet and a dry sauna, hot tubs, showers, and all the other things you find in a sex club. Including a sling room.

Kingsteam 

I hadn't been there for some time. Simon had been there a while back, but, um, didn't remember much about it..... So anyway we walked down from the pub and up the stairs to the entrance, paid the money and were given lockers right near each other. I always like the feeling of getting undressed at the locker in those places, especially this time as it was nice and warm inside and looking forward to getting in a bubbling hot tub and sauna. When we were changed into just towels, I showed Simon around a bit, and we both warmed up in a hot tub. He also liked the wet sauna room but I find it too hot in there and a bit claustrophobic. Then we went to the sling room. 

This of course was what we'd been wanting to do for a while. He wanted to screw me in a sling. I do like the whole sling idea. One guy I knew had one he could get out and hang from his bedroom ceiling. You lie in it on your back, and it's just the right height for whoever's screwing you. It has straps to put your feet in if your in there for a while and get tired. The room there is dark with minimal lighting. So we finally do it, after all the anticipation and nervousness. I like the experience of Simon being there, it was hugely erotic. Very different from any other anonymous person because of the way we feel about each other. We love each other, and the sex we have because of that goes to another level. 

After a while another guy came in (Simon had purposefully left the door ajar) and the new guy started fucking me, whilst Simon came around and I sucked his dick. This was another hugely erotic thing for me, and I guess one of the things that I'd been nervous about. I know we'd talked about it and both liked the idea, but how exactly would each of us feel seeing the other being fucked by someone else? And what after the initial fuck between Simon and I, do we walk around the club after that both together, or separately? Would we be happy with each other going off alone for a bit and having sex with other people? Gladly, I was worrying about nothing. Simon asked me when the other guy was screwing "How does that feel darling?" And with that short sentence it was all OK.

After a bit the other guy came around too and I sucked him, and he ended up screwing Simon too in front of me. Contrary to popular opinion, I found that a big turn on. Now I understood why Simon liked watching someone else screw me. Hard to explain why, other than you know the sort of feelings and pleasure he's having out of the experience. Later we both went off seerately to find other people, and we decided to leave about 2 hours later. He could have stayed on, but I'd (for a change) ended up having quite a bit of sex and was ready to go. We sat in the hot tub and hugged each other, me noting that the sex with others just wasn't like it was between me and him. We loved each other, and that made the sex different. Close and caring. 

Had a beer again at the Oxford and then went home. Straight to bed as both tired, and then had the most beautiful and close sex. For some reason the sauna accentuated that closeness; highlighted our love for each other. Almost like the sauna was simply foreplay before this closeness in my bed. It was lovely, holding and kissing, feeling our bodies close to each other,  expressing our feelings to each other via sex. 

The whole night was a new, interesting, and wonderful experience. It won't be one I'll forget.

Sydney's winter of doom

Another week where I worked all of it. That's two weeks in a row now. Fuck! I think that's the first time since the GKC. Was enormously tired last night. Simon stayed over and was going to leave through the night for the dog, but was so warm and comfortable in bed with me that he stayed until early this morning. I will go to see him later after doing a bit of shopping. Wants to go out tonight...... May be an interesting evening, as we may end up doing the sling thing....

He has come out of his depressed mood. I was a bit worried about him there for a while. 

Had to buy a better winter jacket this week. Someone said we had the coldest Sydney day (one of them last week) in 40 years. The other track top thing, although warm, just wasn't doing it. In the mornings waiting for a bus, the wind was even making my legs cold through my jeans! *gasp*

It can be a real pain this coldness. I get a weird reaction to it now on exposed skin. It goes red and insanely itchy. Never had anything like this before getting HIV. Something to do with an over active immune system I guess, that appears to chuck a fit at about anything these days. I can't even sit on the bus stop seats as they're made of aluminum and are cold as fuck, the cold goes through my jeans and undies and I get an embarrassingly itchy ass. From memory I'm pretty sure that stopped when I was on medication, so perhaps one day when I end up back on it I won't have to put up with such an inconvenience any more.

Cold in Sydney

Only spent one night over at Simon's house sitting place. Sydney is having a major cold snap, with overnight temps at only 6 degrees (Celcius - 43 F). That may sound rather warm in some countries, but most houses here just aren't built with such cold in mind. No central heating, and only plug in heaters in various rooms. At home here I light the gas stove and it helps heat up things very cheaply. 

Over where Simon is though the house isn't even brick, and has polished floorboards with no carpet. No heaters in any of the rooms except for the lounge room when your watching telly. I was surprised as the lady who owns the place is evidently very well off. So all we had in the bedroom was a single electric blanket (on a double bed) and each other to keep warm overnight. The temp went to only 6 outside, with a howling wind off Botany Bay, along with overnight rain. 

I spent all night either freezing cold on one side of the bed, or hot and sweating on the other moving close to Simon and the electric blanket. (I sweat because of the HIV, even when I just start to get a bit hot). Then it'd be uncomfortable so I'd move away and be freezing, damp with sweat on the cold side of the bed. Today I was feeling quite sick, headache and aching muscles, like I was getting a cold or something more perhaps. 

Although I said I was going to spend another night I decided against it and rung Simon, telling him I felt terrible and just wanted to go home to bed after work. He came and got me and took me home, agreeing that he too was surprised at how cold that house was and how little heating there was in it. He stayed here at mine for a few hours, and it turned out we had a great old time in bed here. 

The cold is definitely adding to his depression. He said that this morning he was miserable for hours as he just couldn't get warm. I told him he's welcome to come here any night and stay for a while in my warm bed. Of course he's still looking after that dog over there so is a bit limited with time. I haven't yet bought up the subject of Sydney and all, but now he reckons he likes Sydney. So fuck I dunno. Perhaps I should just forget about it for now and see how we go.

Got a call from the hospital yesterday, Infectious Diseases (the HIV doctors). I had an appt for next month, but they want me to come in end of this month for more blood tests rather than wait until then. I didn't ask them why as I was at work and didn't want to be discussing the details of my health in the middle of the shop floor. But if they've found something else wrong I'm not sure I even want to know. I suppose they're just doing their job and it's likely nothing major.

I can't do it

Going over to stay with Simon for a couple of nights. Packed a little bag as best I could, and if I've forgotten anything then will just come back to get it. It's not far. Still annoying though not being able to do a simple thing like an overnight bag. I even asked if he could come and help, drive me here after work in the car, but he seemed a bit pissed off that I was wanting help for something so simple. Gave up and just said I would do it. 

He's a bit different this time Simon. I know he's worried about his dog back in Lightning Ridge, but he doesn't seem the same Simon as usual. Admits he's been a bit under the weather so to speak; a bit depressed. That's fair enough, I mean I'm not blaming him or anything, just noting the difference. Will see how these couple of days go, but if his depression continues I may have to see him less than I otherwise would. I care for him and all, and worry about his mood for his sake, but I don't have it in me to be around someone behaving like that for too long. I'll end up getting depressed myself, not good.

Want to ask him too about his plans. I mean the last I heard from him was that he was going to rent out his place and come and live with me here in Sydney on a long term basis. Now he's asking me about whether I can quit my job and move somewhere else. WTF? I've already told him I don't want to do that, and it's getting a bit tiring having to repeat myself about it. It may just be a symptom of his depression, and how people think of different alternatives sometimes when they're depressed. 

I know he's looking at a bigger picture than me, but I'm just not at that point. It's been all I can do to progress from where I was in Jan. I think progress has been made and I'm doing OK given the circumstances. But quitting a 12 year job and moving from a city I've lived in for 26 years? I can't do it. All my support is here in Sydney for one thing, and I really rely on it.

I dunno...

Simon spent the night here last night. Evidently as the friend of his who owns the dog he's looking after does shift work, the dog is fine at home overnight. We'd had a meal and a few beers at a pub near Oxford st, and decided to just spend the night at mine rather than the extra hassling around with buses. There's much more buses to my place than where he's staying. He couldn't drive as he'd been drinking and he left the car at his. 

So we ended up here, both rather beer-ish. It was lovely to have him in my bed again. Lovely to be able to hold him and sleep close to him. Lovely to fall asleep in each others arms. To wake up together and be so close to each other. I could have stayed with him all day in bed, but had to get up for work. 

He wants me to go spend a couple of nights over where he is. Easier I guess with the dog. I just can't get it together with what to take. My head is just fucked. I'm going to have to ask him to drive me home tomorrow and help me do it. Can't sort it out in my head. Hope he's OK with that.

Dunno where to go with the whole Simon thing. He seems like he just doesn't like Sydney, doesn't want to live here at all. Wants to go live somewhere else where it's more exciting and different. I dunno. I told him I'm not willing to quit a job of 12 years to try and find work elsewhere. I personally like Sydney. And who's going to hire an HIV+ worker who's turning 50 shortly anyway? Work has been very good to me over the years, it's a company that looks after it's workers (for whatever reason).

He's a bit depressed

Spent the night over at where Simon is looking after. Can't believe how much that dog needs to be walked. I went with him this morning for one of the daily walks and it must of been about a fuckin kilometre! Said to him "I didn't realise we were going on safari!". I could never own a dog like that, way to much work and time. Cats just sit around a that, look after themselves mostly. Very good of him to do that for his friend. She's gone to England for 3 weeks to visit her mother and other family. Massively long flight. Simon has been back and forth a few times on such a trip, said it's something like 48 hours altogether spent in the air, to get there from this part of the world. I can't imagine. She has gone via Hong Kong, and then over Europe I suppose.

He was in quite a depressed mood last night, poor thing. Got him to talk about it. His little dog is quite sick back in Lightning Ridge, may even be dying. She's ten years old and has some gland problem that she puts on heaps of weight. His cars on it's last legs too and he doesn't know what to do about getting another one. Think you generally need a car out there. I'd help him out but am in dept up to my eyeballs myself. And the weather here is Sydney was absolutely shit when he got here last week. Raining and unseasonably cold. Mid winter temps already. In fact this is the coldest May in Sydney for 41 years. 

But anyway it was good spending the night with him. We both feel better about things when we're together. Going out this afternoon for a bit of a drink. He wants me to spend a few nights around there through the working week. Dunno it's just incredibly hard to get it together to know what to take for that time. It's work as well as overnight. This brain injury is telling at times like that. Last night he came and got me, and after we got there a few hours later, I realised I'd forgotten all my pills. He couldn't believe it that I could forget something so important, suggested I go without them for one day. Um, not an option, you can't just stop the anti-depressants like that, even for a day given the high dose I'm on. Blood pressure pills yeah OK, but not them.

Come back home on the bus, it's really not that far. Made sure the cat was fed. Then had to look online at one of my credit card transaction history things as I disputed a transaction last week on it. The bank ended up cancelling it. But still there's another two transactions on there that I didn't do, both adding up to about $600. I rang the bank again, printed out another dispute form that I have to mail in to them way down in fuckin Melbourne FFS, and then they credit it back to my account. Wrote on the form I'm going to close the account, am not impressed. Have only had it for about 4 or 5 months.

Something worth living for

Finished the working week and realised had worked all of it this week. It's made a difference having someone there carrying on doing afternoon shift. Dunno how long he'll be there, but I can't see any drop off in the work in the immediate future. And it's just too much for one person, no matter how healthy they are. The guy can't believe how much work there is to do, and that there hasn't been an afternoon shift in the dept for ages. Ever since I stopped doing it in 2009. 

I dunno what's been going through the mind of the dept head, but he seems to have no idea of the work load. Told him the week before last that it's too much, his answer was that it "doesn't need to be done all at once". WTF? Well when is it supposed to get done then? If it's continually being put off for other more urgent things, it never gets done. I'm beginning to think the guy is incompetent. 

Years ago when another dept head was in charge, and before we merged with the empire, we used to have two large guillotines including the one I'm working now. There were two operators on day shift cutting what was coming out of Print Dept. And sometimes I'd be spending time on  afternoon shift cutting as well. All this just to keep up with the work. But when we merged with the empire, the morons got rid of the other large guillotine. So now, with the same amount of work, there's only one guillotine to do it, and until this week no afternoon shift either. You don't have to be a rocket scientist to figure out it's an impossible task. The present dept head wasn't here when we had the two large guillotines, so he just doesn't seem to get it.

Have a shocking headache today. Simon is stopping by this afternoon, and we may go out or round to his friends place. We went to the local pub last night for a few. Hmmmm, maybe that's the reason for the headache? Having a coffee and some Panadol, seems to be helping a bit.

Have been thinking a lot about the intensity of the sex we've been having. I thought perhaps a reason why I find it so moving is because there's been very few times in my life that I've felt happy. Which I do with him. Perhaps some of the crying is tears of relief, particularly after the recent shit I've gone through. Finally something that makes life worth living for. Finally something that makes me happy. It's been a long time between drinks.

Sex

Little contact with Simon today. I could have stayed again last night at the place he's looking after, but it's really hard for me to get my head around staying out during the week with work. It looks like I may have some sort of permanent brain damage as the organisation skills just haven't come back, and it's been getting on to 6 months now. There has been virtually no improvement in the last 4 months. But anyway, packing a bag for more than an overnight stay, when the place is just near my own, is a hassle I find hugely difficult. And just not willing to do unless I really do have to.

He's coming to stay here tomorrow night, and me likely there Sat night. That I can handle. We may go to a sex club, not sure, on one of those nights. We both want to have me in a sling whilst he screws me. We're considering which particular club to go to on Oxford st. Or maybe another one down the road. This is part of the experimentation, and us doing what we do anyway. It's us finding each other. 

I've always thought of sex as a major part of any relationship that I'm involved in. Sex gives you a way to express how you feel to a partner, in whatever particular situation. Sometimes sex happens casually, but it's still a vehicle of expression. A quick fuck in a sex club is I guess an expression of how both people feel about each other in that situation.

And yet that was how Simon and I met. Sometimes a quick fuck doesn't just involve that. Sometimes people meet like that and find a partner who they love.

Intensity

Last night I spent at Simon's friends place down the road. He's looking after this big dog that needs to be walked two or three times a day. The house itself is on a block of land right opposite Botany Bay, and a 2 minute walk to the yacht club across the road. You can sit in the lounge room and watch planes land and take off at the biggest airport in Australia (Kingsford Smith) one of the runways built right out into Botany Bay. The container ships come in and dock nearby at the huge Botany Bay port, and the land across the road that allows this view will never be built on as it's Aboriginal land. The view from the yacht club balcony is even better, complete with tables and beer. All this is like a fuckin 2 minute drive from my work.

We went to the club and sat on the balcony for a bit, the lights of the container terminal brilliant and pretty nearby. The airport southern runway across the bay just opposite over the water. Had a couple of beers, and went back to his friends place he's looking after. Something to eat, and we both wanted to go to bed. I had a shower and made sure I was clean. The house was three bedrooms, the guest room with a double bed. 

We made love like never before. Sexual intensity like never before. It was like somehow he reached into my soul and grabbed something, pulling me along in the experience. It went on and on. A while into it during a break, I just held him after. Sobbing. He'd gone somewhere within that no one else had. Touched my soul where no one else had. The tears of joy coming from deep within. I've never experienced such love, such emotional depth, such an experience before as this during lovemaking. Never been so moved.

I saw him this afternoon before home, we had a couple of beers before me going home and him to looking after things there. Asked him, what he thought it might be. I mean I was married for years. My late wife and I had wonderful and close sex during our relationship, but nothing like this. I loved her, said goodbye to her at death, but the sex didn't include this sort of connection. Asked Simon, is it something to do with it being gay sex? Or is it something to do with it being about how we feel for each other? Or both? He reckoned it was probably a bit of both.