Dunno why, but started feeling very bad last night. Have no idea what's triggered it. Today I go to the psychologist, which has turned out to be excellent timing this time.
The thoughts of suicide were very strong. The world around me became utterly meaningless, almost absurd. Like somehow I became disconnected from it. I was wondering "what's the point of living?", I mean seriously. Is it so I can go on struggling with shit? Fending off the past? Running from shadows? Plodding on through this life of absurdity? It's not like I haven't lived. I've done rather a lot in my life.
Like I said I don't know WTF bought all this on. It seemed out of the blue, almost like some sort of mental attack that went on for a couple of hours. Episodes like that are a bit scary when they happen, as it probably wouldn't take much in a state of mind like that to be pushed over the edge. No more struggle, no more pain, no more anything.....
Feeling a bit better this morning. Listened to some music last night in bed for a bit to try and get my mind off it. Stayed home from work, just couldn't face it. Told them I had an appt with my psychologist today that I'd forgotten to tell them about (all true). And it'd been 2 months since I last saw him and I better see him this time. I just omitted to say the appt wasn't until 4pm. Oh well so what? I really couldn't face work today after such an episode like that only hours ago. One of those days of staying in the house, doors and windows shut, away from the world.
It seems like it's never going to be over, this struggle with depression and suicide. I'd been going so well before this, then bam right out of left field the abyss opens.
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