Fear of failure

I have been racking my brains the last week or so. Have been having bad anxiety and fear, leading into depression and thoughts that are to say the least, unhelpful. Suicide thoughts, even though I'm not thinking of doing so, seem to be at the ready when the depression comes along. 

Today I finally figured it out. The old fear of failure  thing. This is an interesting way to put it:

It is generally believed that phobias arise from a combination of heredity, genetics, brain chemistry, and life-experience.[3] Demeaning parents or family members, traumatic and embarrassing events that arise from minor failure early in life, or when an individual experiences a significant failure and is ill-equipped to effectively cope with the resulting feelings, are all thought to produce the fear of failure in the long term........... more

I think it's because although there have been the odd occasions in life of actually feeling happy for more than a few months (well one occasion at least) that I honestly find it hard to think that this time I may in fact experience happiness for more than just a few months. It's never happened before for more than that.

No wonder, after about 8 months of being genuinely happy with David, much of my head simply assumes this will end shortly. Something will happen, a fast or long drawn out thing, that will see this happiness end.

I don't believe in luck, or that things happen for some meaning for an imaginary sky man, but FFS surely if it's a game of chance then surely it's about time I got one? One that's at least good enough to remain happy for longer than a few months before disaster falls? 

I laugh when I hear shit like "God/the universe/fate/bla will never give you more than you can handle. My response is "Well WTF happened with me then?"

I'm sure I'd not be the only one.