Depression perils

Man was I ever in a depressed mood last night. As always, don't know why. Did a few things yesterday but nothing I thought was particularly depressing, unless of course the form rage had triggered some sort of giving up response. I just hit the wall, felt terrible. Couldn't feel positive about anything, well, except being positive I suppose :s (I do have a laugh about that sometimes, thinking that I'm feeling very positive today). Had a nice dinner and felt full, didn't want to watch TV, read, listen to music, anything. Just went and lay on the bed about half past 5 and kept on laying there. Eventually in the dark, just laying there doing nothing, for hours. Turned on the TV at about 8 and watched a light hearted show on the ABC about the media here, and then went to sleep. 

Gladly I'm feeling a bit better today. It's horrible when I feel like that. Woke up this morning and sort of did a silent "whew, thank fuck I'm feeling somewhat better this morning". It's hard to describe. Sitting in the dark was probably a good metaphor though. I just can't see any way forward, like darkness obscures all vision. "Hit the wall". Not looking forward to anything. Not seeing much reason to keep trying, sick of trying. Feel like giving up. Feel like people don't like you for some reason. Feel like a burden, and on and on.......  I guess this is all part of clinical depression. 

The pills help a lot, but they're anti-sad pills, not "happy pills" as I sometimes joke. They put a floor under the depression so there's a bottom to it, unlike before where it felt like there was no bottom and always out of depth. Oddly earlier yesterday I was also thinking I was sick to death of taking these things and perhaps should consider coming off them, and then I get an episode like that later on FFS! Perhaps it's good in a way that it happened, for no other reason than as a reminder of my precarious emotional state. I've been warned in the past years ago in fact not long after I started on them, by a doctor saying that some people made the mistake of the pills making them feel better and then they think they're OK now and want to stop them. Certainly a risk I'm not willing to take right now.

Anyway, there's been some progress made with the form from hell - the Housing assistance form. ACON emailed me back and said for me to ring and come and see their Housing people there, and wanting permission to communicate with the $guru about me as well. Replied yes all fine, and will ring later today to make said appt. Suppose they're used to dealing with HIV positive drama queens like me. The email seemed very friendly and understanding. Maybe what was making me feel bad in fact, was this notion that I couldn't even fill out a stupid fuckin form and I had to go bothering people about it to help me with it. That's the "feel like a burden" thing. But no the email was encouraging and helped against that feeling. *whew*

Aside from that a couple of positive (there's that word again) things happened yesterday. First one I went to the chemist and I needed all 3 prescriptions filled this month: the happy pill mega dose, and the two blood pressure pills. Without the magic pension concession card that used to cost me $70 a month, even when I was working only 3 days a week, so I was interested to see exactly how much this lot was going to be. Happily, it came to the grand total of $17.40 (at the $5.80 each script). I feel so much better now about whenever the time comes to go on HIV pills as it'll only cost another $5.80 each script. 

Next I went to the private dentist next to the chemist, that I've been seeing now for about 3 years. Wanted to know if there was any money left on the Medicare Chronic Disease Dental Scheme as it all has to be used by Dec 1st when the scheme ends. I have nearly $300 left, so I made an appt for next week. Dunno what he could do for $300 but I'm sure he'll think of something! Probably just clean them, or maybe even discover a new filling! Will be sad to say goodbye to him as we've gotten quite friendly over the years, and I did need rather a lot of work done after 30 years of not going to a dentist. At first he was surprised that I qualified for the scheme with "only" HIV, but over time when he saw all involved with HIV I think he felt that he was doing a real service. So anyway, Thursday next week is the last hoorah for him.