Ten years since wife died today

It's ten years today since my wife died. A big marker.

I still remember those times at her passing. Her struggle to live and the illnesses that overwhelmed her. Despite the months in hospital and the time in the nursing home however, what sticks in my head mostly are those last twenty minutes with her as we said goodbye to each other.

It's hard to describe the feelings. Relief that her broken body was finally going to be without pain, relief that her struggle would soon be over and at rest. By that time she'd been through unimaginable pain and suffering, which was shared with me on her final journey. Her body now a frail shadow of the woman of life and laughter that she'd been. 

Huge sadness that it had to end like this, so ignominiously. That she'd had to endure such a terrible time in dying. We both would have wanted it to have been easier for her; for all of us. Surely her final last months on this earth could have gone more peacefully and more dignified?

But most of all we felt a deep and strong love for each other. An unbreakable bond as she moved from this life to whatever may be after. Indeed the picture itself was one of pure love. At the end of her life, bedridden and passing, alone in the room there beside her was the love of her life sitting and holding her hand. No words could describe what we were both feeling. An almost sacred love.

She was breathing very laboured now, slow and shallow. Not conscious but I knew she could hear me. Hanging on just that little bit longer, for me, for our teenage daughter. I said to her "It's OK darling, just go, everything will be alright with us". Presently she stopped breathing for some seconds, then took her final breath.

I said to her through tears and relief "It's over now darling. The nightmare is over".

She died at 10:30am, May 9th, 2006. Cardio respiratory failure after many years of illness. She was 49.  

*Remembering*